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Exhausted and sad-advice needed

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by lesbianmom2104, Jun 7, 2013.

  1. lesbianmom2104

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    Hi All,
    Ahh, so relieved to have found this site. I am recently out (six months) after a 10 year marriage to a man. Long story short, I had some lesbian experiences in college but then fell into family and life pressures to marry a man and "straighten up" so to speak. I am in the process of divorce, three young kids and work part time. For the purposes of this post, I will disclose that my sexual relationship with my ex husband was basically non-existent for the majority of our marriage. We were both completely monogamous in our ten year marriage.
    I am happier than I have probably EVER been in my life. It took a long time to get to this point. That being said, I met and began my first lesbian relationship recently after dating for a while. Although we had a casual check in about basic sexual health, it appears that I have contracted herpes from our first of sexual experiences together.
    I have read all the facts, talked with my doctor, been tested for EVERYTHING else, but I am really sad. I have yet to discuss this with this current gal I am seeing but obviously will need to.
    ANY suggestions out there to how best to raise this issue? I am guessing she does not even know she carries herpes as many folks are asymptomatic. I don't plan to accuse her of anything and want to initiate a conversation that will have a positive outcome because I really like her, regardless of what the future holds for us as a couple.
    Any words of advice for me???? I am trying hard not to get too discouraged but as this is my FIRST real adult experience after coming out, I am a bag of terribly mixed emotions. And feeling like I have the flu doesn't help. I jump back and forth between thinking all will be OK and that I am destined to live alone, raise my kids and live a celibate life.
    Any insights would be greatly appreciated.
    Thanks
     
  2. greatwhale

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    This is one of those instances where straightforwardness, with an almost clinical detachment, will be required in order to tell her what has happened.

    Just sit her down in a private place, tell her the facts, the tests, what the doctor said, and why you are telling her this.

    Next, may I suggest you stop thinking about your destiny; there is no predicting the future beyond suppertime!

    Get well, and be strong for what you need to do...
     
  3. Dublin Boy

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    Hi lesbianmom2104 :welcome: to EC :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  4. FemCasanova

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    Yeah, I agree that straightforward is the best way to go here. You could tell her that you have gotten checked, that the doctor found herpes and that she might have it as well. I don`t know that much about herpes and treatments, but if you have a kind that can be treated, letting her know that you`ve started with that could be positive. This way, you let her know she needs to check herself, without accusing her of anything. At least that`s the way I would have preferred to hear it. Try to change the roles in your mind, think about how you would have reacted to hearing it, and what phrasings you would prefer to hear it in.

    Unfortunately, these things happen. We try to be very careful, but STDs are very common, and it only takes one slip up. Sometimes not even that, I`ve heard some strains of herpes can even be contracted from mother during birth. I read something about this one type of herpes that`s supposed to be so common 90 % of the population are carriers. But like I wrote, STDs is not something I am really that knowledgeable on, so take it with a grain of salt. We`d have to be really careful to go through life without ever being infected with one. It doesn`t automatically mean the doom of a relationship, as long as we are honest and direct about it.

    So, try to calm the butterflies in your stomach and just get it out there. Hopefully she`ll get tested, get treated if possible and it`ll all turn out okay :slight_smile:
     
  5. pinklov3ly

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    Hi, and welcome to EC!

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through, but it's not the end of your dating life. I'm sure your current gal will be more than understanding; she probably has no idea that she even has herpes. That's if she actually has it. I was diagnosed with HSV-2 in 2010; I cried myself to sleep for an entire week. I thought my life was over, but here I am, still standing. I think it's more of the stigma that comes along with having herpes. In fact, testing for herpes is not part of the regular STD screening panel. I had asked to be tested and boy, I was not ready to hear the results.

    I've never had an outbreak, so I was very surprised. I was told that I'd never be able to find out when I was exposed to it, but somehow it was during oral sex. And with someone who has cold sores (HSV-1.) The point I'm trying to make is that, your girlfriend may not have herpes. You could have been exposed years prior to marriage. And your body has built up tons of antibodies to fight off the virus. However, I could be wrong so please ask her to get tested ASAP.

    I know that it's not an easy conversation to have, but a necessary one to have. I tend to freak out and sabotage new relationships because I don't want to have "the talk", but it's very important. The people whom I've been with since I found out do not care at all. And I have yet to be discriminated against because of my condition. However, I only tell people after months of getting to know them. I know it is scary, but if she truly cares for you then I'm sure everything will work out between you and her. Good luck (*hug*)
     
    #5 pinklov3ly, Jun 8, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2013
  6. lesbianmom2104

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    Thanks so much for all these replies! I really appreciate the advice
    and feedback. I am feeling much better about the whole thing and
    gearing up to speak with my gal. I hope it all goes OK, but am feeling
    much more hopeful!