Serious help needed, regarding "bottoming" (for the 2nd time)

Can you finger yourself without encountering this problem? When you are alone? Can you finger yourself when you are with him?

Not being able to relax down there is almost certainly a psychological/anxiety problem, because our buttholes physically have no problem expanding to accommodate things of that size. I can almost guarantee that the issue is you not being mentally relaxed - you mentioned you had trouble breathing normally during this, which is also probably down to the same problem.

 

These are all very connected.

First, 90% of the time it is a matter of mind over matter. Its not enough to be relaxed before penetration, you have to be relaxed during penetration. Your body's natural reaction will be to panic at this 'unknown object'. You have to learn to relax your muscles, just like you would if anything else felt tense.

In the other 10% of the time, some people are just naturally more tight and restricted, in that area, than others. In that case, I would recommend that you try to explore that area of your body when you are alone and on your own time. This way you wouldn't have the pressure of wanting things to work properly 'for him'.

 

I have the same issue when I bottomed and I am so glad someone else had it too! I apologized to him and said that I just am not relaxed enough.

 

If your first attempt at bottoming was traumatizing (your words), then it makes sense that you would approach a repeat attempt with some tension. Depending on what you mean by 'traumatizing' (no, not asking for details), perhaps a lot of tension.

As far as addressing this, if you're associating penetration with pain and stress, it would probably help if you can start to associate it with pleasure. Perhaps start including fingering in your solo masturbation sessions and then work up to a thin toy, such as a narrow plug or vibrator (be sure to get something with a flange, you don't want to...ahem...lose it). The goal here being to stimulate your prostate (and anus which also has a lot of nerves IIRC) and start associating feelings of penetration with pleasure. Gradually work up to more fingers/larger toys until you are approximating your partners dimensions. At some point, once you've gotten comfortable with playing with yourself, consider having him join you, with him fingering you and using the toys on you. From there look to work toward him actually penetrating you.

If you can get to the point where you are anticipating the pleasure of being penetrated then you will likely be much more able to relax to let him in. Note that the above is going to take some time and you should probably spend at least a week or two just playing solo so you aren't feeling any pressure or self-consciousness. Then regroup and decide if you feel ready to have your partner present taking part. And so on.

All of this is going to take some time obviously, but in the meantime you can certainly continue other forms of sex with each other. Bear in mind that not all gay guys like anal, but there are lots of other things to do and they are just as real as any anal adventures you may (or may not) have.

Hope this helps,

Todd

 

Well if you can finger yourself then it's definitely possible for it to happen, so you don't need to worry about never being able to do it .

I'd suggest that you practice by yourself as Gen suggested. Just keep trying with one finger, and once you feel comfortable you can try two, and then even three. If you have access to sex toys you can use these too; just don't progress up in size too quickly.

The most important thing though is to learn how to relax and conciously control your anus muscle - don't just try to jam your fingers up there while it is tightly closed and struggle through the pain. Pretending that you are trying to push out a poo (obviously make sure you don't actually need to go) will 'expand' and loosen the anus - this will make it much easier. After some practice you should be able to control this loosening without the pushing.
You should also try consciously clenching and unclenching your anus closed while you are fingering yourself, just to get a feel for the control you have over it.

Once you are able to finger yourself comfortably on your own, then you should try doing it while you are with your partner. Once you can do that comfortably with him there during your 'foreplay', then you can let him finger you himself.
Once he can do that comfortably, you can try his dick .

Also make sure you are using lube during all of the this! It'll be almost impossible without it.

 

Something to note: regardless of how much mental Zen you have going on, the inner sphincter muscle will contract as soon as pressure is applied. They, like any muscle however, have to release at some point; typically after 30 to 60 seconds of continuous pressure.

During insertion, it's important not to stimulate the penis (until you become accustomed to the object inside you), because it will cause the inner sphincter muscle to contract.

In terms of overcoming your problem, Todd's advice is spot on.

Only the outside has a lot of nerves, it's pretty barren inside besides prodding the prostate gland.

A lot of the pleasure from it is psychological and stimulation of surrounding areas.

 

The problem lies in it contracting after it relaxes. That's where your mental Zen comes in.

 

It's a common problem. There are some guys who take to bottoming like a duck to water. Most guys, though, have a rough time of it the first few times.

Some of the problem goes way back to potty training when you subconsciously learned to keep the muscles in the anus tight until it was time to take a poop. When guys (and girls for that matter) try anal sex, there's a whole different things that has to happen: they have to learn to relax the muscle at will.

If you're not relaxed, there will be a burning sensation as the muscle is stretched. And you may have the urgent feeling like you need to take a poop. Unfortunately, if this repeats several times during failed attempts, you begin to fear that it's going to hurt, so you tighten up even more.

Your partner was on the right track in trying his tongue and lots of lube to relax you. Sometimes massaging with a knuckle instead of the finger is easier. But more than likely, this is something that you need to work on when you're alone and you feel more in control of the situation. A small toy or a butt plug may help you learn to relax if you play with it during masturbation. You can then work up to letting your partner use the toy on you when you're together so that you learn to relax with him, too.

There are a couple of old threads that have more detailed suggestions:
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anonymous-discussions/59592-tips-making-anal-sex-more-enjoyable.html
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/physical-sexual-health/93966-bottoming-qs.html#post1479280

 

Use plenty of lube and try different positions to see what feels comfortable. We all kind of have this romanticized idea of sex, based on movies and porn, but the fantasy NEVER fits the reality.

Practice makes perfect