I had a therapeutic rapport with a psychologist a few years ago. It went for a couple of years. I wouldn't say I totally trusted him, but I like him well enough and got used to going to therapy because he seemed open and easy going for his age. About halfway through the therapy, I began to open up about all life experiences including my sexual history. He didn't work with that as much as he did with stress, self-esteem and trying to help me understand my family dynamics. Looking back and thinking, there is indication that he was actually condescending and sneaky in somewhat earning this trust. The mental tape of some of these things said play in my head, and they didn't at the time because I was going through too many things concurrently. I recently found an article about signs of questionable therapy and bookmarked it. He definitely breached some benchmarks. Has this happened to people here or to someone in their close circle? I sometimes think if what they hear doesn't jive with their viewpoint on life they start to dislike you. They're human, too. What does a person do to heal from a bad therapeutic relationship? I'd bet they can be more damaging than no therapy at all sometimes.
As for judgment... a therapist is trained not to judge his or her clients, and is also trained to look for countertransference (basically, having strong feelings of any sort, positive or negative, about a client) and address that in their therapeutic supervision. So any good therapist, if they do find themselves judging a client, will seek help from their supervisor, and will refer the client to another therapist if they cannot get the countertransference under control. That said, it is definitely the case that crappy therapists exist (ones with no or poor boundaries, or an inability to notice countertransference when it happens) can be worse than no therapist at all, but without specifics it's hard to offer any input. What sort of benchmarks/guidelines do you feel he breached?
He was the head of this organization. I was new to the area and got a referral. His focus was marriage and family, and on a shorter-term, and some individual work. I could deduce that from the clients coming in either before or after me. When I told him that I'd messed around with guys and if he'd been heard that before, his answer was kind of haughty "Not that they've told me." In one occasion, I had sustained an injury and he wanted to look at the sutured wound, in a non-sexual area of the body, and that included him touching it. He was married for the second time, so I think he was messing with me. He periodically mocked some stuff I had said in other sessions, say about 3 months later. There are also some others, but it would be a list. Here's the link: 50 Warning Signs of Questionable Therapy and Counseling It's pretty thorough and most of them seem logical. When you're going through various things and have an up and running appointment every week, you may miss some signs or don't want to start over.
"Not that they've told me" is actually a very precise and accurate answer; it implies he might have deduced something, but that a client had never self-disclosed about same-sex experiences. I wouldn't deduce, based on him examining a wound, that he's "messing with you." Without more specifics, it's hard to say if the therapist was unprofessional or not. As for the 50 warning signs, for the most part, it's a pretty good list. Some of the statements are too broad and general to be of much use (i.e, every therapist does a few of those things some times if there's a specific therapeutic reason to do so.)
I've seen a few therapists over the years, and I'd say that if you don't feel comfortable with this one...find another. They're a dime a dozen. Well, actually, they cost a lot, but like shoes, find one that's a good fit, and that you feel good about.
Some of this is hard to describe without the subtleties, intonation, and even his hints at landing attractive women and coming from wealth. I became more honest past the halfway point, saw more of his personality come through, and stayed on to have him help me with interpersonal and work issues, knowing I would be leaving both the city and the therapy sessions. However, in retrospect, I got less of a good vibe about him and definitely feel harmed by the experience. The first prolonged attempt at therapy, in which I was honest and the person was in fact deserving of my trust, was good, he was supportive without being a shoulder to lean on, but he has left the field, which I learned when I tried to sign on with him again. But it's not just that list. It's the gut, too. ---------- Post added 17th Jun 2013 at 04:43 PM ---------- Thanks. I know. It's the money. Even a few sessions with one that doesn't work can be costly. The last one I had was thoroughly professional and concerned, but his whole mantra is "the now" and he wanted to work in the past "as it was needed." Most of my hurt is from the past and not so much the current. It ended with him telling me he couldn't help me further and I respect that. I guess I bring up this topic because he feel somewhat scarred by the experience in the original post. You may look at someone who is a certain age, and assume by their more youthful appearance, manner of dress, and casual speaking style, that they are "cool" when they in fact are not, at least as it relates to you and your concerns. I wouldn't call this a trauma, but it does bring about some depression and disappointment.
One thing that's clear: Whether or not he was a good therapist, he definitely was not a good therapist for you. There are lots of people who are great therapists but the really talented ones will know when they aren't making a good connection with their clients (or have too much countertransference) and will refer you off to someone who is a better fit. In that regard, if you felt unease while working with him, he definitely missed the boat if he didn't pick up on that and address it directly, and either solve the problem, or refer you to another therapist. It's unfortunate, but a lot of people try therapy once, end up with a therapist that either isn't a match for them, or is incompetent (or both), and give up entirely. It's clear you haven't done this... but for the future, it's really important to constantly evaluate the relationship. If it isn't working... always discuss it, and if things don't change... change therapists. There are always times where therapy will be hard, painful, uncomfortable, and times when you will be mad at your therapist (it's called projection, and is a normal and common part of the process). But when there's a lack of trust... the therapy will ultimately fail.
i once had a therapist when i was younger who was supposed to be helping me with my depression. he instead never even really brought it up. he would talk about his vacations, or his family the whole time. it cost my parents thousands for the time that i was there, and it didn't help at all. he was basically not helping me, so i would keep coming back, to get help, where he would just keep changing the subject, therefore making him more money, because if i still had problems, i would still go to him. he knew that, and kept a young kid depressed just so he could make extra money. i have never went to another therapist since (although i really think i should still be seeing one)
I live pretty much in the middle of nowhere, so it's already a 20-30 minute drive to get to the nearest medical facility that provides counselling or psychiatric help. Couple that with the fact that they only have one current therapist who works there and I know them fairly well it would be a conflict of interests. So the only time I went to the doctor with my depression, paranoia and host of other issues I took the offer of drugs over real help. Once my prescription ran out I decided I couldn't live off them for ever and couldn't do therapy so I've been dealing with it myself(poorly) since. :edit: Sorry, didn't mean to take it off topic. Got a little lost in my head :S
That's what this thread is for. And, to ChrisV, did your parents know that this therapist was talking about all his personal stuff and not helping you? For you, was it that you didn't want to see him or your parents said 'enough of this?' And, Thaliondae, I could only imagine if you and the therapist knew some of the same people, or even had 6 degrees of separation in another way.
Yes, I got mis- matched with a therapist. The group therapist for my anxiety and depression issues referred me to another therapist to work through my sexual issues. The guy seemed nice enough. We got along pretty well..at first. I told him about being attracted to a certain professional baseball player (Mark McGuire). The player had amazing upper body strength. The next session I told the counselor that he looked like the ball player and I was attracted to him. I asked if that shocked him. He immediately goes into this spiel saying; "That's okay. I've worked with sex offenders before. That really made me mad so I left. The therapy office called me later to apologize. They also offered to set me up with a lesbian counselor. I went a few times but we never meshed.
I used to live opposite her and she's fairly good friends with my mum. It'd be fairly inappropriate to say the least
Yeah, it really sucks when this happens... it happened to me out of the clear blue and it did mess up my trust of people for quite a while. I was going through some serious hurt and grief and I was vulnerable. The therapist I started seeing was very reassuring (I would use the same description, good rapport, like you did) and kind (and this hooked me) until a few months into this she started lashing out at me for being gay, first really subtly but then it became completely apparent that she hated me for it. It seems like this is one of the things that is just really, really wrong about the world... a nasty form of abuse. It opened my eyes to the fact that there are people in this world who are stuck in churches that they trust that hurt them, and even with parents who hurt them. I have a church that doesn't care that I'm gay, and I have parents who are also not the most loudly supporting but they're completely accepting and very honest and loving. So when I had this bad therapist it was really the first (and only) time I've experienced what it must be like to have to listen to someone who really hates you even when they pretend to be supporting you. So I guess be thankful its over. By talking about it even in a place like this it might help someone else. And what got me through it was I went back to my core group of gay-friendly friends and family and I prayed a LOT and I started reading a lot... psychology, trauma, healing, health, and so on. This stuff sounds heady and complicated to learn about but its NOT... anyone can find a book or website that will at least get you started learning about it so you don't feel so helpless about problems. By reading about other people who are experiencing things you realize that you're not alone at all with this stuff. Right now although I need to vent or talk sometimes, I feel well informed enough that I can solve most of my problems myself. And if I do need professional help in the future I'm going to talk with multiple people and not just one... and I would start with a gay-friendly minister or a recommendation from a GLBT community center and go from there.
