Anxiety/Nervousness During Sex (any advice?)

The reasons you've touched on - still uncomfortable about your sexuality, nervousness, shyness - they are all likely causes of the issue. Here are a few things that can help with that...

First, is to be honest with your boyfriend. Sometimes just admitting that you're nervous and uncertain is a good way to reduce your tension. This is especially true since you said he is understanding. The more you are intimate with him, the more trust you'll be able to build, and as a result the easier becoming intimate will start to become.

Second, there is no requirement that you get an erection, ejaculate, or have an orgasm to enjoy being sexually intimate with your boyfriend. No one is going to show up and be all like, "Hey wait, you didn't finish!" It's perfectly legit if only your boyfriend has an orgasm and you don't, it's also perfectly legit if neither of you do.

Your boyfriend may feel that he isn't satisfying your "needs" if these things don't happen, but you should tell him that it isn't his responsibility to satisfy you. You don't want to feel guilty that your boyfriend feels that he can't "turn you on" or some such nonsense like that.

You can always fantasize about the sexual encounter later, when you're alone, and you begin masturbating. (In fact, doing this will likely prove to be helpful in overcoming your issue.)

It's important to realize that this is perfectly okay, and to learn to just accept that sometimes things like this happen. Don't beat yourself up. Don't try to "perform". These things will only lead to you developing anxiety about the situation, and thus start to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Thus, each time something like this happens you worry the next time you're about to be sexually intimate that it could happen again - increasing your stress... and well... it happens again as a result. Which in turn only fuels more anxiety for the NEXT time you have sex.

The only thing you should be focused on when you are being sexually intimate with your boyfriend is being sexually intimate with your boyfriend. Try to just be there in that moment and not somewhere else, worrying about other things that have nothing to do with what you're doing at that exact moment in time.

Third, there are some things you can do to help you get an erection. One thing you can do is get a penis pump. That'll draw blood into your penis. However, make sure you read the instructions before using it. Another thing you can do is get a cockring. That'll hold the blood in your penis.

My first suggestion would be to get a cockring. I don't suggest getting a metal one, but instead look for some that are flexible, that can stretch a bit, and can be cut off in case you have trouble removing it. They are usually fairly cheap. Obviously, make sure you remove it after sex, if you feel any discomfort, and if you start to sense anything that shouldn't be happening. You can continue to use the cockring even after this issue goes away to have even firmer erections.

If the cockring plan doesn't work simply because you're not getting an erection at all, then you can look into the pumps. They will, as I said, draw blood into your penis. You can use this in conjunction with a cockring. Just make sure you follow the instructions.

Both of these things can be purchased online.

Fourth, you didn't mention whether or not your boyfriend had a preference and if you're attempting to have anal sex with him. However, if he prefers to bottom, and either you don't want to try the above solutions to get an erection or can't for some reason then there are other things you can do.

You can try manual prostate stimulation with your finger. Obviously, you want to lube it up, and make sure you have your fingernails trimmed. You can use a latex glove for protection. When you insert your finger you want to be able to bend them toward the front of his body, because that's where the prostate is located. It'll feel like a smallish lump or bump just inside. You'll want to communicate with your boyfriend about how it feels as you try different motions with your fingers and different degrees of pressure. If something doesn't feel so good, then he should speak up and tell you, if something feels good he should also tell you this so you know to do more of it.

Of course, the prostate isn't the only sensitive thing back there. With your lubed fingers you can also rub, stroke, and caress the outside. Maybe stick the tip of your finger inside him a little and then slide it back out - tease him. Make him want it. If something like this starts to turn you on, then maybe you can try to be a little more dominant and aggressive. Start talking dirty a bit and make him beg for it.

Trying to be a little more assertive and dominant might make you feel as if you're in more control of the situation, and thus help reduce your anxiety... and with that could come your erection. Which in turn means that what you're doing with your fingers is just foreplay for the main event.

But if it doesn't happen? Then it doesn't happen. And that's okay.

Aside from your fingers you can use some toys on him such as a dildo. An advantage to using the dildo over your fingers is that it'll provide the sensation of "fullness" just like a penis. However, dildos come in all shapes, sizes, and types. They don't even have to look like a natural penis - you can get them with different types of textures such as ribs or bumps. These different types of textures help provide additional stimulation that could be pleasurable to your boyfriend.

Now, if you're using a dildo make sure you get one that is designed for anal play. Those designed for anal play are going to have a flared base - a base that is larger than the part being inserted into the body. It's designed this way so that it doesn't accidentally slip into his body, which would likely mean an embarrassing trip to the Emergency Room. Those without a flared base are designed for vaginal use.

Also, I recommend using a condom on the dildo for easy clean up and for sanitation purposes. If you don't use a condom remember to never insert something into you that has been inserted into your boyfriend unless it has been THOROUGHLY sanitized. However, in truth I wouldn't even trust it then depending on what the dildo is made of and the types of textures on it that could hide bacteria. Thus, if you both want to use dildos then you either want to always make sure you put condoms on it before use, or alternatively buy two of them but of different colors.

If you're not really into anything to do with anal, but your boyfriend is then I recommend looking into prostate massagers. Unlike dildos prostate massagers are meant to be inserted and left there to stimulate the prostate. Some of them are designed to vibrate, and thus your boyfriend may enjoy that.

With all of these suggestions - fingers, dildos, or prostate massagers - you also have the opportunity to do other things such as giving him a handjob or a blowjob. So you can combine them for added pleasure and fun.

What's important to remember, no matter what you decide to do, is that communication is critical. You both need to be comfortable telling each other what you're feeling both physically and emotionally. If something feels good, you need to let your boyfriend know so that he can do more of that. If something hurts, is uncomfortable, or doesn't feel right then you need to speak up and let him know. If you feel uncomfortable about doing something, then you need to feel empowered enough to tell him "No, I don't feel comfortable doing that yet."

Finally, as I said once before already, you need to focus on the moment. Not what has happened in the past or what might happen in the future. Focus on what is happening right there, right now, and give yourself permission to enjoy it. To have fun. To relax. To explore. If you're able to do this, then your issue will begin to solve itself... and just remember that all of the above can still be used even AFTER the issue is solved.

I hope this helped. (*hug*)

 

As a fellow introvert, I too was very nervous when I became sexually active. I would have trouble getting erections and was unsure of what moves to make. As I became more experienced sexually, this got better, though I still get butterflies from time to time. Insecurity early on about sex is normal and common.

 

Have you talked to your boyfriend about what you're feeling?