Hello, I'll try not to write too much, there are a lot of other details, but the gist of it is that I have lost my pure arousal from visualizing sex with men. I've been very depressed and wanting to die, because I felt so satisfied with my boyfriend/didn't want to be with girls anymore (I identified as bi), especially romantically, I just like gay guys better in general (romantically/sexually). Most of the post is details I feel are relevant, but the end paragraph is the questions that are torturing me/making me feel hopeless. Please, I just want to know I'll get back what I had gained. Anyways, I am a 20 year old guy (like 2 weeks from 21), who came out as bi when he was 19 after experimenting and finding out I liked it. From then on I had sexual fantasies of guys, and even though I mostly looked at porn of girls I also had looked at porn of guys and liked it. I quit weed, and during that portion of my life I was really depressed an had mental difficulties, so near the end I just decided that if I was fucked in life/couldn't go back to college, I mine as well smoke. When I started again I was my old self, and I didn't have the mental issues that made me quit to begin with (mental slowing, paranoia/anxiety, etc). I started going to the drag show and met another guy I learned to love like nothing else, he was also my first full sexual experience, which I really enjoyed. At this point, I felt like everything made more sense with men, and I lost my desires to be with women romantically and then sexually (or at least I preferred to be with a man). Emotional connections, and intimacy/cuddling and kissing were important me as important/probably more important than sexual stimulation, which is why I didn't end up with the person who I experimented with (he wasn't open to being with a man, and I had to break off sex because he just liked the sex, but didn't really fully give it back/was kind of ashamed etc). This is how it started with men/it was in large portion emotional/I was aroused by the emotional/tender kind of sex, or kissing or cuddling with a man. I recently (like 4 weeks more or less ago) decided to quit again, not because I was having mental issues, but because addiction had started again and I wanted to make a clean break in restructuring my brain to be happy without it. However, I also began worrying about a particular thing 2-3 weeks/started worrying because of the inhibition this other worry made me feel that I couldn't do other things I'd enjoyed before, specifically drag and the profound relationship I had with my boyfriend (we had broken up but still are good friends, though I don't get to see him much anymore). It kinda had to do with a Christian story I couldn't explain, but the major worry was just that I was "stuck" and I couldn't feel free emotionally because of it and consequently couldn't enjoy things because I felt like I needed to know how to explain the story in order to move on (I have anxiety issues/something akin to OCD). I decided to seek out a therapist to actually move on entirely instead of struggling to feel sure about every thing I doubted/feared. I felt a little better when I found one/had a consultation, and tried to force myself to do masturbate to men, drag queens, etc, but I couldn't get as aroused (I used to be really aroused picturing being with men, especially effeminate/nice compassionate, tender men). I also felt like I had lost my desire to be drag queen, and this all turned into me fearing I couldn't/wouldn't be aroused by men anymore and fearing I had lost the sexual/visual attraction. I even forced myself to look at gay porn, which even though I hadn't watched often I had been aroused in the past when I felt ok. However now, I didn't feel it, so I started wondering if maybe I had only been attracted to men because of weed (since I started weed before I started experimenting). Then I made a connection between an experience that facilitated me quitting weed cold turkey. I had been walking in a dry heat (not like really hot, but hot), and smoked weed when I got to my destination. Sometime after, I felt a sort of "pressure" build and was feeling like I wanted to pass out, then it "snapped", and I felt really tired/liked I couldn't even walk a few blocks. I drank water and ice, and ended up feeling fine, but didn't call 911 for whatever reason. Now though I started thinking that maybe I had had some sort of stroke that changed my sexuality, and I found examples online where that had happened, even though my uncle said it sounded more like heat exhaustion, (maybe facilitated by weed/increased heart rate, etc). I wasn't dizzy or disoriented, or numb. I still was afraid that maybe I had had a stroke, and now my sexuality was changed like in those cases I'd read. Now I don't know who I am, or what to do. I like the idea of having sex with men still/still could, and still have small jolts of arousal when thinking of men certain ways when I'm relaxed. Like I'll think this or that guy is cute, but I'm never able to get as aroused as I used to, which may be only the depression and anxiety/pressure of thinking I might be different now. I loved my boyfriend so much, and loved the sex, tenderness, and REALLY loved the cuddling/intimacy with him, but I don't feel the same way towards girls. Now though I'm afraid that I'll never have that again/maybe I damaged my brain, or whatever and it's not just how I feel in the moment. I still am aroused by straight porn, but again I have no real desire to actually be with a woman physically or romantically. Now I feel really depressed, like I found out who I am/I felt so much better about life, but now it's all gone because of what happened, or stopping weed, or whatever. I even constantly feel like I want to kill myself because I feel like I'll never be able to have what I had with my ex with another man again. If I tried to be with a woman I know it wouldn't be the same/I would always feel like I wasn't getting what I really wanted/needed. Can anyone offer any support, advice, or insight? Am I ever going to be able to feel the same ever again? Will I ever be able to have a full relationship with a man again? Is it possible I'm just doing this to myself combined with depression/anxiety? I still have emotional arousal at men, but feel like I lost my visual arousal. I was even able to get a somewhat soft erection when I felt calmer and started thinking about effeminate men/being with them and thinking I might be the same/ok. I also became aroused thinking of being a woman and being handled by a man. Also I can be aroused by thinking of men, but I can't get as aroused, I still have the fears though...idk. I can still masturbate thinking of men, but feeling aroused just by thinking about it doesn't seem to be there. I just can't cope with the idea I'll never have what I had again, I loved him, I still love him, but how can I love another man if I don't have that pure sexual energy from the physical? Would I be able to be a "top"? I even was emotionally aroused/wanted to masturbate to men because of what I felt, but I didn't actually get the erection until I started. Sorry, I'm just so scared/confused and seeking some hope/reassurance.
