1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't feel it's anything new

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by NouvelleVague, Jul 5, 2013.

  1. NouvelleVague

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2013
    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North France
    Hello people :slight_smile:

    Alright guys, I'm going to try and not to bore you, 'cause I feel like I've got all my life to write down. So, yeah, first time of my life that I am going to be completely honest, even with myself, that's why I think I'm gonna need your help to figure out who I am

    For a very long time in my life, I thought I was not made for relationships, just because everyone was always about talking about guys, and I never felt very into it. I never had the desire for dating anyone, and I wasn't much into 'experiencing'. I was kinda always on my computer, liked chatting with my online friends and all, basically, that was enough for me.

    I used to have a friend, and we would write fan fictions together. She would write the girl, and I would write the man part. The thing is, our writings were always rather hot, and then, fucked up as I was (I really do think I was), I started having fantasies about her - the writer, the firend. Of course, it never was physical between us, because of the distance and the fact that back then, I just chose to plainly ignore my feelings. Still nowadays, physical desire is not something urging for me, as long as I have fantasies and intellectual stimulation. We stayed friends for about three years, and it's now that I accept that the feelings were there.

    At more or less the same time, I made friends with someone else online - a girl that is 4 years older, but we were really similar. To make a story short, I'd say that even know, I would forgive her for having broken my heart almost on purpose. I could have travelled half the country if she had asked me to. Although, I always put the sticker of strong friendship to this relationship. "I'm strongly devoted to my friends." I used to say.

    The thing is, I also had feelings for guys at some point. But they never quite as strong. I dated two men before my actual boyfriend, but I can now say that I never felt as much as strongly as I felt for the girls I met online. I just can't explain why it works like that.

    This all was before I went to England. I went there for a year, wanted to find a boyfriend and all, but it never really happened as I planned it. I met guys, but it was never serious. So, this year ends, and I've been with this incredible young man that is my boyfriend for about 8 months now.

    The thing is, even though I'm with him, sometimes I feel like something is not right. I know I love him, because I can match the feelings with my previous ones, and maybe even more. Great, cool. But well, hey, look, it happens that I also have feelings for friends of mine, that are girls, especially one of them. That I can not come out to, because that would mean losing them (They're straight, and the very one that is concerned kinda can't picture two girls kissing.)

    Sometimes even, I catch myself checking out other girls, rather than other men, as any other girls would do. I never am very much into the chit-chat on how sexy people are, and I fall more for what's inside rather than for what I see, as old school as it may sound, I just can't help it. I like powerful, ambitious people, I like dreamers and travellers, thinkers.

    I can't figure out what to do. I feel frustrated because I feel incomplete. I would consider myself bisexual sometimes. Some other times, I would think that maybe I made a mistake with my boyfriend because maybe I'm just really truly more into girls?

    A little help from you all would be the most welcome !
    Thanks in advance ! Also, feel free to share if you have any similar story or feelings that could relate, so it might help me think about it ! :slight_smile:
     
  2. WhisperedShadow

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 12, 2013
    Messages:
    7
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Oklahoma
    Gender:
    Female
    Hello there, luv!(I'm not British, I just say things that seem such sometimes)
    I understand where you are coming from. I've dated 5 guys, and the most recent three were around the time I started questioning my sexuality after a summer fling with friend, which has now kinda become a crush(read: obsession?), still strong after three years of no contact.
    My most recent ex(It's been 3, 4 months and we are still closest of friends) is bicurious, so he was definitely the most accepting of my struggle, and the one I was most open about it with. He knew I had done things, some of which I regret now, and as I grew more distant from him, he knew something was up.
    I broke up with him around St. Pats day(so March 17ish for you non-celebrators) and I came out as a lesbian to friends.
    And then I went back out with him. I think that was me being afraid of the unknown, but once I figured it out, to be yourself is better than anything in the world, and some unwanted experience happened(yet again) with a previous ex, he dumped me but still was there for me.
    I don't know if that helped at all. Um... yeah, I just came out to good chunk of people, as a lesbian. I had always been more attracted to the 'non-straight' fanfictions(Particularly Kingdom Hearts related ones, if we're talking males here) and yaoi and yuri manga(read: Smut/Hentai). So my attraction has always kinda been there, and while I don't know if it existed when I was younger, I know that there was some sort of attraction there.
    But honestly, none of us can truly help you. We can encourage you, give advice, but only you can make the choices you want.
    And now, for some advice: I would just be open with your boyfriend. Let him know you are struggling with this. If he doesn't believe you or gets angry, drop the subject and/or dump him. Being open with the person you are dating is important. Who knows, maybe he'll be able to help you talk through it.
    Best of luck,
    WhisperedShadow
     
  3. NouvelleVague

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 5, 2013
    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    North France
    Hello, and thank you very much for sharing :slight_smile:
    I already feel less alone in my confusion !
    I don't know if I have that much of a problem. I have talked about it to my boyfriend, and to a friend that I know won't judge me, because she's really open and is not gonna act different if I tell her that I have feelings for girls. She says it's ok, I make a deal of something that isn't a big deal... The thing is, everyone says it's not a problem, but I don't know.... I read so many things,
    and here I come thinking maybe I'm just selfish, greedy, undecisive, maybe I don't love him enough, for that I think of other women.

    As I said, I told my boyfriend that I was rather sure I was bisexual fairly recently, and he seemed really open about that. He must really love me, but, see, I can't be with him, and live these other feelings at the same time.

    I don't honestly know what is best. If I can't live my love for girls, I thought, maybe I should just try and go back, just ignore they exist as I did. But it's been this way about 6 years already :/