Denial or in the closet or just plain OCD, on the brink of breaking down

:help:I am a 25 year old guy who has never questioned his sexuality before. I have never experienced a crush on a male or even found them remotly attractive in the romantic or sexual sense. I am a big supporter of the gay rights, I find it appaling that people dare judge others based on what is handed down to them by birth and genetics. In my opinion gay people are usually extremely friendly and helpfull, and deserve to be as happy as any other human being. I even barbequed with my gay and lesbian neighbours a few days ago, and found them to be such great people!

My problem though, 6-7 months ago a friend of mine came up to me asking wheter I might be gay? In my 25 years of walking around, nobody had ever asked me that question. It scared me at first, I was nitpicking my history and after a week of slight panic I came to the conclussion I am probably not gay because my attraction is always projected to women. I feel genuine hornyness towards woman, when they walk down the street I cant help but keep glancing, the butterflies have always been caused by women.

A few weeks later I fell madly in love with my current girlfriend, the sex was great and I felt some severe anxiety at the thought of losing her. After a few weeks she went on the injectable anti pregnancy drugs, which stays in your body for 3 months. After this our sex life was devestated, we couldnt have sex due to her being not able to(wetness) and if we tried it hurt her allot, she felt ashamed. After a while I developed erectile dysfunction because of anxiety, and before we were able to have sex again she left for internship for 4 months(I visited her 3 weeks ago and the lust and love thankgod was there, we had awesome sex which was very fullfilling). After this I had a rough week, lots of exams, no sleep and I went out Using drugs(xtc) The day after i had finished everything I experienced a panic attack in which the thought crept up, why did i experience ed? Was my friend right? Was I maybe gay? And then the worst thought of all hit me, a nd if im gay this means I can never be truly happy with my girlfriend? Will I lose her? Absolute sheer and panic sent me into crying, days went by literally shivering underneath my sheets in bed. I dont understand whty this is happening to me? If I am gay, then so be it right? or maybe even bisexual? Then i started ruminating every day for the last 6 weeks, I have been trying to accept it, because acceptance is beter then living in sheer terror. I have been checking if i feel any attraction to men, constantly doubting myself is this gay, do I like him. Cound I like him? Do i imagine myself walking hand in hand with this person(Which the answer to is always no) And everytime i start to accept that I cannot know what I am or I have to give it time, then I read the coming out stories of people finding out in a later stagethe thought creeps up...if you are you will never be happy with your girlfriend. This absolutely destroys me, I love her to death and she turns me on within seconds, giving me a raging boner by just looking naughty at me through skype. Afterwards the panic starts again telling me, this is just denial. If you were attracted to her you wouldnt even have questioned you being turned on by her. I am so deeply scared I will lose my girlfriend over this, I have never been in love so badly with someone. And again even now the thought pops up in my head, its a lie, Youre just trying to cover you being gay. Before the panic attack shit I never even found this topic remotely intressting

Please help me, I CANT take this anymore, the anxiety I am experiencing is absolutely destroying me. I think about this in some kind of way atleast 5-7 hours a day. Help me please, if its acceptance what I need then I will be commited to accepting whatever the fuck I am, but the anxiety and fear and terror needs to stop, I Dont want to live like this anymore, its driving me to the point that I dont want to live at all. I can accept being gay if that is what I am deepdown, I cant accept living with this anxiety though


Someone who is tired of it all

 

I cant remember having any attraction for a member of the male species other then when I was on xtc and GHB a few years ago, and I felt like I could have kissed anyone in the room, girl or boy as long as I had someone to cudle or kiss with. I tried masturbating to gay porn, everytime I do the only thing I am preoccupied with is the question is this turning me on? Is that guys penis attractive? Would I be able to perform a sexual act as is happening in the porno?

Its usually hard to get an erection, and when I do I have to jack off extremely hard with force to make myself climax. Whenever I see a girl down the street who is attractive the hornyness kicks in, this kind of hornyness for women is something I have almost daily but never experienced this with males. I usually run on home and masturbate to the girl, this is in my opinion genuine hornyness/attraction. But then this voice in my head creeps up saying, its all denial man. The only reason why you are thinking that you are attracted is because you are masking your true self, which in turn confuses me extremely. All day long I have these thoughts, Its crippling me to the extent that I am just sick and tired of it and that bottle of sedatives is starting to look real tempting.

I realize that even if I am not 100% heterosexual then I must be bisexual, but then I read coming out stories of people who safely move into the bi-zone and later become fully gay---> which sends me into a terrefying panic attack because the thought means I will later find out I cant be happy with my grlfriend, make her life miserable and mine too, which is a complete mindfuck because everytime I am with her I feel a happiness unlike anything else. She is the first girl I have ever considerd having kids with and marriage. Dear god what is going on with me, even typing this the sheer panic of the htough is so extremely overwelming its like im in a dream state. What is going on with me, how do i get rid of this. PLZ HELP

 

Why do i keep obsessing over it then? why does it occupies my mind 5-6 hours a day, crippling my everyday activity. Is this my subconcious telling me I am in denial? Should i visit a therapist?
Even though you say im heterosexual this eery feeling that i might not be is still there, because why else would i be so.goddamn restless and anxious.all day

---------- Post added 5th Jul 2013 at 09:23 PM ----------

Why do i keep obsessing over it then? why does it occupies my mind 5-6 hours a day, crippling my everyday activity. Is this my subconcious telling me I am in denial? Should i visit a therapist?
Even though you say im heterosexual this eery feeling that i might not be is still there, because why else would i be so goddamn restless and anxious all day

 

Dear milhouse,

How do I know I am lying to myself? The thing that is confusing me the most Iis that the sexual/romantic attraction I feel for woman isnt there in any way for men. Even after trying to ease myself into thinking about them in a attractive way, and the anxiety goes down and I can form a semi objective opinion. Then instead of anxiety I just feel nothing, not in a way like disgusting,but just...theres no interest to it. But there this voice/feeling in my head saying nah bro, its all fake. Theb wtf is real attraction goddamit, ive only known this and nothing else. these doubts, which is almost there all day long, a constant battle.

Ive tried accepting that I cannot know, what I do know now is that I am happy.with my gf, that the sex is very gratifying. Then why does it scare me so that I might be gay, which would mean I would lose my gf. Ive tried the thought of genuinly accepting that im gay. it didnt fit right
Then I tried telling myself, hey bro you might be bisexual and thats eh ok, because that means you're not have to going to give up on the love of your life. And after that the voice.comes back...in full force saying allot of bisexuals are closet gays.amd later in life turn full gay, which brings me back.to the scariest thought of all...finding out that I am gay and lose my girlfriend. How is it possible that i am thinking and ruminating hours on end , day after day, week after week on this subject, I am so tired, its like it doesnst matter what i say or try, its just constantly there....that dreaded feeling

 

Its not an actual voice, more a thought.
I reassure myself that even if Im bisexual, i will still be able to have a healthy relationship with my girl as long as she makes me happy and turns me on. Then the thought/doubt pops up...but hey.... You read that allot of bi guys eventually mask themselfs and turn out gay with them saying I cant even imagine nowadays what the attraction was that I had for girls, this thought in turn creates a massive attack of panic and terror which spirals out of control, and the thought pops up what if you truly are gay, or what if you start telling yourself you are gay and truly accept this---> then another thought arises in reaction to this that says fuck, that probably means that the attraction for your girlfriend will die off in some kind of way and you only will be attracted to men, another thought pops up saying hey man, thats mean you wont be able to view her as sexually/romanticly attractive and you will lose her.

Another thought pops up saying that the only reason I dont feel attracted to men is because I dont let myself because of the anxiety, that if I would relax and stare deep into a guys eyes that I would feel the love and attraction. Then another thought pops up saying WTF? Why would you even want that, you have a pretty girlfriend that turns you on and makes you happy, stop thinking these nonsense thoughts. Which again gets countered by another though saying the conclussion is that I MUST be a gay person that has ocd about being gay, instead of a hetersexual person that has ocd about being gay, or someone who is bi or doesnt yet know. its so severly crippling to an extent I cant even explain it.

Therapy or counseling cost allot of money, up to 1-2k thousand dollars. Seeing as I am a student I dont have that kind of money, plz god/budha/allah someone make this stop:tears:
I am literally ruminating for hours on end, literally constantly occupying myself with it in one way or another, horrible absolutely horrible. I would not wish this upon my worst enemy

---------- Post added 6th Jul 2013 at 07:02 AM ----------

I just read this: Stage One: Denial

Yourself:"I will feel straight if I have sex with a girl." "

If theres one thing I can say for certain(another thought immediatly pops up saying denial bro, its denial) but disregarding that thought deep down I KNOW for 1000% procent that every single time I had sex with my girlfriend or previous sexual partners it is because I wanted to, because she turned me on. Not ever did I think, I need to sex her so I will feel straight, its pure and utter lust, if theres one thing I can say for sure is that this had always been the case

 

Fucking hell goddamit, and as a response another thought sets in, how do you know this sex is so great if youve never tried it with a man. What you may think now is great sex might be amplified by 1000, so youre argument is invalid, and the fact you are even considering these alternative thoughts must mean something is wrong with you trying to say this

Jesus fuck:bang:

 

I already tried masturbating to gay porn, i am able to get hard and ejaculate, but it feels so forced, if I had to compare in enjoyment, the satisfactory level would be 20-30 procent compared to hetero porn 70-80procent. it just doesnt do it for me, when jacking of to gay porn, I really have to force myself, saying cmon.this is taboo. Compared.to hetero porn, this afternoon a friend sent a picture of a girl he was sexing, with her having her crotch exposed and I felt an.instant urge of arousal/hornyness like damn, i wanna get in.there and smash that pussy.
and the moment i thought this, another tought popped up, its fake, youre just socially conditioned to react aroused like.this. Incredibly frustrating

 

You are right, I need a therapist.
The thought of me being bisexual doesnt scare me/give me anxiety, and when I think of being with a man, this thought is also not interesting and I can wave it away without giving me anxiety or make me feel disgusting, I just have a attitude like, whatever, who knows, its not appealing.

Thinking I am fullblown gay however and never will be able to do or have anything with a woman anymore---> meaning I will lose my girlfriend, or never be able to be happy with her because Im in the closet or denial is giving me absolute terrors

 

Thank you for your reply

I hope I am not a closet homophobe, I really dont want to offend any true gay or lesbian people(immediatly a thought comes up...how do you know you are not one of them?). I am truly aware of the trials and tribulations people go through discovering their sexuality. I am a strong believer of that all people deserve happiness, we have such limited time on this earth to make the best of it, we only get one chance in life, and everyone deserves to live their lives in peace/excitment without fearing for their life or true self, please understand that I am not out to diss or offend anyone. Regarding my foul language, it was literally the thought I had at that moment and I was quoting. I am sure you have felt this way for a man before, maybe not in those words.

I truly love my girlfriend to death, the thought of losing her in any way is excruciating and attributes allot if not all to my anxiety. Having these doubts and anxiety is making me extremely ashamed also, because my anxiety plays up and tells me, if you really did love your girlfriend, you wouldnt even be worried about such trivial matters, I cant get over the fact that me having this anxiety is the feeding ground for me feeling that I might be gay, if you truly werent there would be no anxiety right? Its a complete mindfuck

To give you an example: I was just sitting with my female and male neighbour outside drinking a beer. They are both not bad looking, we had a nice conversation and a beer, I felt completely relaxed. In this moment I tried imagining myself sitting next to him, cuddling him, kissing him, even pulling his pants down and performing oral sex but It literally did nothing to me but make me a bit anxious. Then I talked a bit further and when I was relaxed again I turned to my female neighbour and thought those exact same things, I felt immediatly a surge of arousal/excitement which I think was not anxiety, and imagining touching her under her skirt or having sex with her gave me a warm nice fuzzy feeling.


As soon as I left them , and started hitting up this forum to type this out, anxiety strikes again, I dont know how to make this go away, thats the whole problem. And the thing is I am trying to solve this on my own because I cant afford a therapist. Maybe I should really put in the money and start loaning to afford the therapy....would you guys take out a loan to afford a therapist?

 

I am starting more and more to realize I have been using my fear of losing my girlfriend and the ongoing anxiety and panic attacks and the ruminating as an excuse to justify being gay, instead of basing it on attraction/arousal to guys in real life or fantasizing about men or gay porn which is almost non existant or not nearly as satisfactory for what I feel for women. My apologies for taking up your times, and my grattitude for putting up with my endless post of ocd riddled paranoia.

I will try not to post here anymore as to not confuse others in their already hard quest of figuring out what they are and want. The probable bad news is that this mindset will fade by tommorow or the day after tommorow reverting back into the panic/paranoia state. Good news is that I finally made an appointment with a psych. The only time I will return here is if I turn out to be gay after all or I have conquered my OCD

---------- Post added 7th Jul 2013 at 05:05 PM ----------

The thing is, I clearly have arousal/romantic and sexual feelings for women, especially my girlfriend, when I look her in the eyes I get the butterflies. If it turns out that these feelings were a result of social conditioning and denial, I can honestly say even if it were the case, at this moment in time I actually very much enjoyed them. And If It turns out that the anxiety was caused because of me being in denial to be bisexual future and I do develop romantic or sexual feelings towards men, its ok. I just means that I have a bigger sea filled with fish to latch onto.

But the biggest and most excruciating thing is my fear of losing acces to women, that acknowleding I am gay instead of just bisexual will make my attraction for women fade or dissapear, especially that of my girlfriend. FUCK, haha there I go again....need to stop posting