I'm a 16 year old girl. I never once questioned my sexuality, and I only ever had crushes on guys or had a desire to be with a guy. However, after meeting my room mate for boarding school, I was really excited and thought she seemed really nice and cool. I also noted to myself that she was rather pretty. Then I asked myself, "wait, am I gay?" Since then, I have been experiencing what I think is HOCD. (I have regular OCD manifesting itself as excessive hand-washing and other compulsive behaviors by the way.) Whenever I see a female now, my mind automatically says something like, "She's hot" or "She's pretty", even if I don't think she is. To counter this, I excessively have been paying attention to guys and calling all of THEM attractive. To make matters worse, (and this may be tmi), I have developed this strange twitch thing "down there". It's like a quick, one pulse muscle spasm. It happens sometimes when I am having these HOCD thoughts, and it makes me think I may be having some sort of arousal. Yet since I can often force myself to have this twitch, it happens with men too, it sometimes happens for no particular reason at all, and I have no sexual attraction or desire to females when it happens, I don't think it is sexual arousal. But it's freaking me out. Also, when I visited my extended family, I was really relaxed and happy and the twitching stopped for the 4 days I was there if that is relevant. I keep doing these checking techniques in which whenever I see a girl who would be considered pretty by societal standards, I ask myself if I feel aroused or anything. I also have these unwanted thoughts of homosexual behaviors that disgust me, but they keep coming back into my head. One time one appeared in my head when I was brushing my teeth, and I literally spit toothpaste everywhere on accident because I got so grossed out. I have been under a lot of stress from school and home lately, so could this have aggravated the symptoms? I fear being gay, not that I am homophobic, but just because I have a deep phobia for myself being that way. I don't want to end up gay, I want to go back to my unwavering certainty for my sexuality that I had a few months ago. I also have read that thinking one has HOCD is really denial for real homosexuality. This is my greatest fear, that I am in denial. Can I have some reassurance?
Whatever the case may be, if you dont have HOCD, you are developing into something. Either seek out a therapist or you must believe the thought you might be gay, even better is to truly accept the thought of you being gay. The problem here is that you have connected being gay with anxiety. You need to crush this bond/link. The best way by doing that is truly accepting you might be gay, after a while the anxiety will shutdown and you will be able to think truly without anxiety that there might be a good possibility that you are gay. Once you have achieved this, and can think about those thoughts without anxiety...you will be able to tell after a while where you attractions lie. I think the case then would be thinking about sex with females, or imagining you are having sex with one or having a crush on woman should not interest you. You cant make a true rational decision on wheter which gender you prefer with the anxiety being there,. Its all about thinking the unthinkable...which is really freaking hard to do
This is exactly what is happening to me right now, except that I'm a guy. I realized that I may be homosexual after having huge crushes on male band members, and I haven't been able to shake the thought. I, too, have OCD and quite possibly HOCD. Even worse, though, is that more and more guys are starting to seem attractive to me. This post may not help at all, but just know that you're not alone.
If you have crushes/genuine warm feelings towards men then you might deff be gay/bisexual or in denial about it. You cant just put it off and say I have OCD/HOCD when there is clear evidence that you have feelings towards the male species. Panicking about it and ruminating could mean you are gay/bisexual in denial AND are working yourself into a ocd because of it
Doubtfull, you CANNOT keep telling people that small things MAKE them homosexual. And I will however argue that OCD is real - and sexual obsessions are VERY common. It is possible to have "HOCD" and I know people here have "debunked it" but it isn't an excuse for denial - in most cases, it is caused by people just wondering if they are gay after someone mentions the possibility. A normal person would brush that off, but someone with OCD would allow it to take over the thoughts and not only FIND things about themselves that makes them homosexual but also become very anxious.
Here's the thing - people argue (us included) that "HOCD" is not real. This is because many people in denial of their actual sexual orientations are using the term "HOCD" as a catch-all to have an excuse as to why they're so interested in the same gender. "HOCD" is also not listed in the DSM-IV (and I doubt the DSM-V, but I've never checked). OCD obsessions (and compulsions) regarding sexual orientation, thoughts, and behaviour are all very real though. I'm not sure as to how common they are, but they exist. The reason I make the bother to differentiate between HOCD and OCD about your sexual orientation is that the first is a stand-alone - people with HOCD are claiming that they've only ever had obsessive/compulsive behaviours starting now in their lives and only regarding their sexual orientation. Again, not impossible, but very unlikely to be the case. If you are already diagnosed with OCD and you're in touch with a therapist, you should bring this up with them next time you're in. Unfortunately, as much as we'd love to help you, there aren't any of us on here who are capable of giving you the help you do need (nor would it be appropriate for us to do so over the Internet).
