Hello everyone, First, thanks for giving advice and your honest opinions to a community like this. It's great to have a place to turn to to vent. I'm confused. This all goes back some years. I'm 26 now. Back when I was around 20, I had sex with a girl for the first time. I had anxiety and I didn't do too well. That prompted me to do some internet searches about performance anxiety. As a joke, one response to a question said "ur gay." Despite the fact I had never been attracted to a male in my entire life, had never checked one out, and had never thought of having sex with one, I was filled with worry and anxiety. What if I was gay? I tried looking at some gay porn because I had never done that before. At first, I had the usual ignorant male response: "This is kind of gross." After a little while, I found it kind of arousing. I can look at it and get some pleasure out of it. But I never had the urge to switch to it exclusively over hetero porn. For 4 or years or so I hadn't looked at it until last week or so, when I suddenly remembered that I had earlier been confused about my sexuality and started worrying again. But simply comparing two types of porn isn't really helping anything right now. When I'm in public, I find myself constantly checking out women. I can appreciate if a male is attractive, but I just don't get the urge to drag them into bed with me. People that declared themselves gay here have had similar experiences, so I realize that's not conclusive. I should also add I suffer from general anxiety. In the past, I've had long episodes where I worried irrationally that I had some sort of terminal disease that I would die from, or that I was going crazy, etc. Nothing like that ever happened. However, I don't want to cop out. I'm keeping an open mind. I don't want to just dismiss my thoughts and say "you're straight." If I'm gay, I'm gay. If I'm bisexual, whatever, I just want to have some closure here. I'm just frustrated and confused right now. Complicating matters is that I suck at dating, and haven't had sex in something like 5 years. I've also been working very hard at obtaining a post-graduate degree, so I haven't had time to meet people for at least the last 3 years. I'm sure people here have had experiences that were at least similar, as I've read through some of the threads. I would appreciate any insight or similar experiences from you guys. Thanks!
I'm bumping this thread only because I originally posted it in the wrong forum and the post was approved very recently.
It doesn't sound like you have much interest in guys at all in person, from what you've written. Some men actually honestly find gay porn arousing if only because it's apparently more raw than straight porn, which seems to be more fake and misogynistic, or so I hear. That's one thing that may apply to you, even though you like both types of porn.
Honestly, you sound exactly like me except the genders are switched; it's the guys I like, and the girls? Some of them can kind of do it for me, but almost everything I feel for women is completely dwarfed by what I feel for men. That being said, there are times when I'll be in the mood for women rather than men, and during these times I'll watch lesbian porn or fantasize about women. But, like I said, what I feel for men is so much stronger than what I feel for women and these incidents of craving women are few and far between, so at the end of the day, I'm still gay. If you don't feel like you could ever be in a long-term relationship with a man or you don't have any desire to have sex with a man, I'd say you're probably not gay or bisexual.
Thank you guys, I appreciate your input a lot. I guess what has me questioning is that I'll decide to look at some pictures of men and I can't decide if I'm at all attracted to them or it's anxiety and I'm overthinking. That's what keeps me from knowing for sure, in a way.
If you're having to think about it is much, then you probably aren't gay. To give you a point of comparison, if I see pics of guys that I like, I start to feel something right away at a gut level (or lower ). And I've felt that from the start. If you have to/are able to stop and engage in an extended mental exercise trying to determine what (or if) you are feeling attraction or you have to ask yourself if you should be -you probably aren't. My 2c worth, Todd
Ak, thanks for responding. Yeah, I mean, anxiety can be very powerful. I guess what I'm trying to do is make sure I'm not repressing anything. I'm trying to make sure that denial isn't making me rationalize away any feelings I might have. By the way, I've been hoping that you'd respond to my thread since American Eskimos are the best and cutest dogs ever. Lost a great gal Eskie about 5 years ago, she was so awesome. Smart, cute, loyal.
Bumped because I think I should disclose more in the interests of "total disclosure." Sorry if TMI I've always been sort of an oddball in terms of what gets me excited. I don't really get turned on by porn, even now. I usually find it so exaggerated and ridiculous that it's not attractive to me, and maybe even a bit boring. That makes it harder for me to determine whether I find hetero or gay porn more attractive, since I'm usually not really into porn period. My parents had me when they were very young, and I felt that at least until when I was in my 20's, although I went pretty far with one girl in particular (who I was on/off with for nearly 6 years, until I was 22), I didn't feel ready to have sex until 19/20. The reason was I was deathly afraid that she would get pregnant and it would mold both of our lives, much the same as my birth did for my (then-young) parents. Hell, after we had sex a few times, I would worry endlessly until she informed me she had her period (sorry if TMI). I also don't find a lot of sexual acts that erotic. For me, it's more intimate acts that turn me on. For instance, passionate kissing gets me going much easier than watching someone bounce up and down (either sex) for minutes at a time. That said, for a long time, I found near-naked girls almost more attractive than completely naked ones. I didn't have porn- instead I had some pictures from the internet. Now here's the thing that gets me anxious now and then- from a young age, I felt I was more aroused if I could imagine attractive women performing acts on a man. This man in my fantasies was always pretty much undefined- shapeless, faceless, but there to help me "project" I guess. Not always, but a lot of the time. I like to imagine a group of women with this formless man especially. I've pretty much had the same type of fantasy for a long, long time, just sometimes slightly modified. Another thing is that I'm now trying to take a step to maybe help me have a clearer mind- stop masturbating as much. I'm not compulsive- I do it about once a day, but when I was younger I used to masturbate belly down- apparently that's not good, and now I know why- it desensitizes. Since then I've felt like if I take a break for a little while, I'm able to get much more aroused. I'm actually kind of raw and numb on a lot of occasions, which is why I'm trying to take a break for a while to put things back in order in that regard. If I don't take some sort of break from masturbating daily, rarely does anything actually give me an erection (man or woman). That didn't help when I actually did have sex. Especially the first time, I had masturbated too often in the preceding period, and I felt somewhat numb and it made it hard for me. That's what led to me having all this anxiety in the first place. I knew the damage I was doing to myself, but I, of course, had to look it up on the internet. The same internet where you can self diagnose an itch or some temporary weakness as cancer or a terminal illness (and I have, in the past, because of my anxiety). All of these factors intermittently swirl in my head while I try to get a grip on my sexuality. I'll nearly obsessively look at pictures of men and then compare the feeling I get to pictures of women. I find some men attractive, but moreso if it's a nude picture. I don't know, I just don't know. It's so damn frustrating.
Once again, you sound almost exactly like me. First, I wouldn't worry about your lack of interest in porn. Most of it is so ridiculously fake and exaggerated that it usually ends up being more funny than sexy. Furthermore, most porn is shallow; the participants all seem to lack that special connection they feel with their partners that makes sex special for most people. And for me, it's only the more honest stuff (of which there's not much) that can do it for me. Similar to what you were saying about liking partially naked females more than fully naked females, for me, seeing a completely naked guy just seems kind of...excessive. While I can still get turned on and enjoy the view grin, there's a part of it that just seems unnecessary and over-the-top. I think it's because I don't feel that special connection or have feelings for him, so seeing him completely naked just feels shallow and meaningless, similar to the porn thing. But with the women, I think because my attraction to women is so weak compared to my attraction to men, I need that kind of over-the-top, excessive aspect to be present if they're going to have any effect on me. It sounds to me like you're just straight but (somewhat) flexible. Like Todd said, unless your attraction to men is strong enough for you to notice it and get turned on right away when you see a hot guy, you're probably not gay. Furthermore, if you never felt the need, desire, motivation, etc. to seek out, fantasize about, or have sex with guys on your own, then, again, you're probably not gay.
Regarding denial, if you were to turn out to be gay, would it matter to you? I tend to think of denial in terms of feeling something for guys and then trying to convince yourself that you aren't feeling it or can't be gay because you like football or the like. You don't really sound like you're doing that. Almost the opposite really. Thanks for the kind words about the puppies They're actually Samoyeds rather than Eskimoes, although I can understand the mistake since the avatar pick doesn't provide a sense of scale. Sammie's and Eskimoes look like two different sizes (economy and travel size?) of the same dog. Re your mention of masturbation. There are some guys here who masturbate multiple times a day and don't mention the issues you are having. Might be good to give yourself a break to heal a bit, but also maybe adjust how tightly you are gripping yourself, how fast you are stroking, and how much lube you are using (if you aren't using lube, I'd suggest starting). Hope this helps, Todd
Ah, I love Samoyeds too. I also tend to think of them as larger Esqies. I really would love to have a Samoyed too. Those two in your picture look exactly the same as my dearly departed Esqie. Yeah, I don't use lube. That's a lot of the reason why when I do masturbate, I feel as though I've lost sensitivity. A rather big part, I'd wager. I'm planning on just going cold turkey for a while to give it a chance to heal. I think if I found out I was gay, it wouldn't be such a big disappointment to me. The most disappointing is that I envision myself with a woman. I've never thought of forming an emotional connection with a guy in that way, and other than those times when I'm looking at gay porn, I don't usually find myself getting aroused at the thought of having sex with a guy. Most of all, I think it would just be a big change in the way I think. A lot of things I've done in the past 6 months, IE working out, eating well, trying to be more social and regain some of my old desires (roller hockey) have been in the hopes of meeting a great gal. I've also never been one to put any emphasis whatsoever on society gender roles. I tend to be more masculine, but I've always been fully aware that gay people form a broad spectrum in that regard, from very feminine, to very masculine, so that's never been a way for me to tell myself "you can't be gay." To the contrary, I've seen the stories on here and read a lot about people realizing that they are gay that never wanted to believe it, and that's exactly why I've felt the need to do this searching in the first place. I guess I'm all too aware that I could be gay, and that's why I'm anxious. As for the as the social consequences, my friends wouldn't be all that put off with it, and my parents are pretty socially liberal, so I don't think it'd be a big deal on that front at all. I don't get scared of that. We think very much alike! Sometimes I find porn so comical that I think "Wtf?" and have almost laughed out loud on a couple of occasions. Do they really have to be like "unexpectedly great time at the office!?" I also agree that generally, naked pictures of people seems shallow and meaningless. I think that what turns me on is intimacy, something I've seen a bit more of from the gay porn videos than I have in the hetero videos. Yeah, I mean, it seems that when I'm out and about, my eyes usually don't get drawn to guys. Could be out of habit, but I always notice the girls first. When I'm in one of those times when I'm questioning my sexuality, I might constantly look at a guy that I think "yeah, he's attractive. What am I feeling towards him?"
I'm wondering if you could benefit from some anti-anxiety medicine. Perhaps anxiety is causing trouble with your sex drive. Anxiety can cause you to feel things that feel very real.
It might be. Just to give you an idea of the extent of the anxiety I've suffered in the past, I've thought I've had autoimmune diseases, I had a "heart attack" (panic attack) a ton of times, including once that I called the ambulance for. My most recent preoccupation was the fear of going crazy and deep depression. There's always something. The last couple of days (and on and off for years) it's been "am I gay?" Note that as soon as I started my most recent obsession, I haven't had a fear of going crazy anymore. The most recent "affliction" (fear of losing it and sometimes anxiety for no reason) had me planning on going to see a therapist. What has me questioning now is that when I'm aroused, both gay porn and hetero porn seem to do the trick, at least for some gay porn movies. I hate being so confused.
So I've been doing some more self reflection, and looking at both types of porn. I have to say that generally, I get a bit of a groin reaction from gay porn, but when I look at hetero porn, or yesterday, porn with lesbians, I get more of a reaction. In other words, I could ejaculate to gay porn, but it takes more to get me aroused in that fashion. I also don't share what some others that are gay here have said- I've never had any fantasies or dreams about men. If left to my own devices, I don't usually think about men, although I've had some about having sex with a woman. I've never had a crush on a guy. I don't know what my ideal type of "attractive guy" would be if I had to pick one out. I tried saying to myself, "Imagine you're already out, everyone knows and is accepting, and there are no social repercussions- you're gay, this is what you want." It didn't feel right for me. I'm still leaving the door open for further introspection and reflection, but for now, I just don't think there's enough there for me to be gay. A lot of you have known deep down what you really wanted. I don't think I can say that deep down, I want a guy. I wanted to thank you guys for listening to my story and giving your advice and feedback. I'm open to any insights you might have, still. I'll probably stick around give my thoughts and opinions to those who want it. You're a great community and I have to say that being able to disclose my thoughts has helped. Any further opinions are welcome, but if not, here is a picture of an American Eskimo dog, since AKTodd and I were discussing them the other day:
