24 years old male lost, wish this happened before...

Ok. I've never spoken about this to ANYONE. So you'll be the first. Thanks in advance, i really need support because im going seriously mad.

This is gonna be interesting because my case is odd. I wish i had gone through this like many of you say, "by the time i was 15 i already knew it". It's not my case.

I was born straight. I remember having female crushes even back then to when i was 6 years old.

To start, i have to say my sexuality developed really really slow. My bodily growth was really slow, I was always the smallest, shortest, the "looks-3-years-younger-dude". No facial hair, no axilla hair until i was 18 or 19. I even had phimosis, so i couldn't masturbate properly until i was 20. YES, i first cum with masturbation when i was 20. Straight porn, that blew my mind. Chicks blew my mind. The thing is, in my teens, sexuality wasn't important for me. Perhaps because it lacked, but i was used to it, and i was very distracted with music, sports, activities, boozing, smoking, programming, reading, intense intellectual and nerdy shit. So, my crushes never knew i was really into them. I was more worried about fitting in society than living my own life. I was bullied one year, so my biggest worry was to be accepted by everyone. And i did well.

However, this thing about being virgin and unexperienced striked badly in my heterosexuality and overall selfsteem.

Other thing that messed with my sexuality was my family. I had a dysfunctional family, my father had several years as alcoholic, cheat on my mum, fights at home, etc. So i never really felt free to talk about woman and party and all that at home. I've sacrified the "guy things" within my family life while my teen years; Instead, I always tried to compensate the flaws in my family by forcing myself to look "sober", centered, serious, etc. Again, not the guy thing. My family life was a burden, regarding this issue.

I had my friends, however. My friends were always male, I was a typical "beta male", with lots of friends, always looking to fit, etc. I've had strong friendships, and never looked at them sexually. Never ever. Sometimes i did, however, feel intimidated by typical strong males. So I assumed the beta underdog place. But it was ok, cos i wasn't the only one. I had many other nerdy friends that scored 0 with woman. For this reason, chicks weren't 100% important. I mean, there was always a crush in my head, but I really didn't want to feel the pressure. I had crushes, flirted with them, but that was all. I've never had enough self steem. And i always looked way younger, so unnatractive. I was really thin also... unnatractive. Which i've been told. Unfortunately.

So i went to college with a "special mindset": My way to attract female crushes was not through a sexual way, but romantic, because the sexual side wasn't my strenght (i was virgin and late-developed). But 3 years ago I fell madly in love with a girl, too much flirting, she would love me but "as a friend", long story short, it ended bad bad bad, since i found out she was seeing a guy, and never told me.

So, me, lowest selfsteem ever, depressed in a shithole, started noticing guys. I tried dating girls but it just didn't work. During sex time. My dick won't response. So i'm still virgin. Virgin anxiety plays a role there? I feel like i play the steretypical role to look confident, but that's not me, so i feel detached from the situation. And i lose. But on the other hand, i get hard-ons when dancing and all that.

Buuuuuuut, I recently started seeing this other girl which i finally got more intimate contact, and i really really like her, her smell, her manners, the femine traits, and i'd get hardons when im with her. She's not a crush, tho. Im using her to experiment. But i like her. The thing is, she wants to go slow (thankfully), and i don't know whether im going to response properly when the time comes.
Sleeping with her is cool, tho, im mad over her kissing and all that, aroused and all that. Oxytocine at it's best. I could have really done it with her. But she is 5 years younger and wants to go slow. She's not specially hot, but i like her cos i don't feel the pressure.

This happens in a time of my life when i think it's easier to me to have sex with a man. The way i see it, my heterosexuality is seriously wounded, but it's still there. But at the same time, the lack of heterosexual activity (or feeling unsure due to being detached from the socially normal straight stereotype) leaded me to "see" homosexualty. Which, to me, right now seems easier to engage with.
But i feel it's like a lame trick in my lazy mind: It's like a brand new start opportunity, when it comes to sexuality: No past experiences, no wounds, virgnity justified, no fears, no complex. It's like my mind saying: inferiority complex in heterosexualty? Failed heterosexuality? Here, have some homo.

The problem is, I passed most of my life, my teens years, my college, assuming myself straight and living like that, not noticing men at all. All my life, my people, places i go, lifestyle, etc. And now this?? :icon_sad: I'm not 15. And i haven't been in the closet for 3,4,5,6,7,8,9 years. It's like: boom, here, have another problem.

Deep inside I know i will end up coming out, but i'd like to have your opinions.
It's ok to me to be gay, but i don't want to throw to the bin years and years of heteresexual feelings. That's also part of me.
I'm atheist and open minded.
Thanks for reading.