Hi, I am so confused and sad right now. I have been dumped again by a man. I have never had any successful relationships with men. I try very hard to be that perfect girlfriend, not be too demanding and always be supportive even when I'm thinking that the man is an idiot or has really upset me (which usually festers until I break down crying or blow up and be hateful). I didn't even kiss a man until almost twenty and never dated until then. The longest relationship I've had with a man was a little over two years which ended recently and was very dramatic. I picked up immediately with another man b/c I'm getting to that point where I feel panicked that I'm going to end up alone for the rest of my life. However, the older I get and the less success I have with men I'm wondering if I'm supposed to even be with a man! I've always been strongly attracted to women, I don't have a problem admitting that. I honestly check women out when I'm in public I can't help it. I've given up trying to hide that from myself. Now if I see a pretty woman I look. I've never really had any opportunities to be with a woman though and I have very very few friends. Like a whole 2. When I was younger I did have one friend I was very close to and our relationship was...not typical best friends. We never kissed but she would hold me often or hold my hand and I loved it. I have nice memories of that and there's part of me that wishes I could find that again but I'm scared. I have a very close knit family who I know would reject this "lifestyle" as they see it as a choice and I wouldn't even know where/how to find a genuine relationship with a woman without everyone finding out. I don't even know how far I would want the relationship to go. I just know the more I date men the more it ends badly and the more I keep thinking to myself that maybe it always ends because I want it too deep down. What's more since I'm older I find it hard to find anyone who would want to figure this out with me. At my age and age range it seems most women want someone who knows they are a lesbian not someone trying to figure it out. I don't know if I'm lesbian or bi or what. All I know is I want what I see everyone else have. A loving partner, a good home and children to fill it some day. Whether it's with a man or woman...that I don't know. Any suggestions? Am I just hurt and confused? Should I explore and how?? I feel like if I go down that road there's no going back.
Are you sexually/physically attracted to women? Would you check out girls in your day-to-day life and get intrigued/aroused or anything? Could you imagine building a life with and/or dating a woman? It sounds like you've had some bad luck in relationships. One thing to consider might be how you're coming across in relationships. Relationships are about open communication and reasonable compromises. It's not about overextending yourself and bending over backwards and putting up with nonsense.
If I'm honest with myself I would have to say yes, I am attracted to women. It's like I automatically look. I used to try really hard NOT to look at women. And now, the older I get the more I think...well she's pretty and I'm going to look. I think to myself there's no harm in looking? I could imagine myself being in a relationship with a woman. What I can't imagine is how my family would react. Wait I can...it would be really bad. It would be awful it would almost be confirming to some of my family members "what they always thought". For example. I think my mom was beginning to wonder if I was gay because she would talk openly about how some of her gay co-workers had gotten married and she didn't approve of that but they were such "lovely people" and were so good to their kids that she couldn't "fault" them for being gay. She would just make comments about how she didn't approve of it but then turn around and say things like "as long as they were happy I guess it's okay". Now, enter the long term relationship I had with this man. It was as if once she realized okay her daughter isn't gay she can let fly with how she truly feels. She began saying how she didn't like gay people, how wrong it was, how gays should not get married, how she would eat at Chik-fil-a everyday because "they support what's right". And I swear it's because she now knew I wasn't gay. One of my grandmother's even made a comment when I first started really dating she said "oh you're dating a man!". As far as relationships I'm as open as you can get communication wise except when it comes to confrontation. I hate confrontation. I want everyone to be happy and get along. And I've been alone for so much of my life that I really try to avoid making the other person unhappy. Maybe I should mention also another reason I'm having these feelings. I've recently started spending time with some other people and this one girl in the group (we'll call her C) is so pretty. When I first met her I felt like a dork because I kept looking at her and I felt like she was looking at me but I was there with a date (a man) and I kept wondering if she was gay because I'm ridiculously attracted to her. Which also means I try to avoid her physically like put distance between us when this group of friends hang out because I'm really afraid it's obvious that I'm looking at her. And she's always really nice to me and I can't figure out if she's just being friendly or if maybe she likes me likes me? B/c this group of people have varied sexual orientations and I'm still trying to figure out who's w/ who and who likes who etc. I do know she came out of relationship with a man but so did I so...maybe she could like me? I don't know. Thanks for responding back.
