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ptsd growing up affecting orientation?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by lowkey, Jul 15, 2013.

  1. lowkey

    lowkey Guest

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    Alright so I am looking for a reason to why ive become gay.

    I'm goingto list how my attraction flows.

    I remember years ago getting erect and enjoying ass and tits and vagina of a female. I know this because I jacked off for years and years everyday to it. Never focusing or caring to focus on the guy, I obviously saw them but it didn't do anything for me.

    Anyways, I went through a divorce where I saw my mom act out and go crazy and screw my life up.
    I've seen her do terrible things and thus a bad image of women now what feels like forced onto me. I also have seen her nude multiple times because she is careless and it is had certainly effected me. That and a extreme disgust towards, she is a whore and a disgusting person. I lived with my dad till now and he was the better parent. All I ever heard was bad things my mom was up to or was doing. She even had me arrested and brought to a hospital at a young age cause I said I hated her n cursed her out. I was checked out the next day.

    I also had a girlfriend, you know first cut is the deepest type of deal, she went from the most innocent girl to a party animal n I watched it happen from afar, n it hurt of course. So here I was with anxiety being plummeted into me by rather important people in my life.

    It was after one of the lasts times I had sex with my first, who came and left into my life all throughout highschool that I didn't recieve a boner but felt anxiety, felt like I was being compared to her really recent ex she still talked about and like I was fucking a chick that didn't match up to how I remembered her. She pretends like nothing is wrong and what it feels like, uses me. I was anxious more than I've ever felt with her that summer because the whole winter I was dreaming of her n missing her while she was with her then current bf. This was also when I realized I'm having bad performance issues now. I also thought of the possibility of being gay because of this experience. Years before this we would have sex and I loved it, she felt like the one I wanted to be with. I did suffer from relationship ocd, I would call her out and go crazy when she talked to guys, and I basically thought she was goingto cheat on me anytime, even though when I was with her it didn't so much feel like that to the extent, but Iwould bug if she was talking to a guy and stuff on like aim or something. Even if a guy liked her picture I would bug. I think my trust issues stem from how I saw my mother calling my dad out for being a womanizer and cheating with his eyes. Also when I was with my first but before we actually dated officially she told me she grinded on another dude and that brought me over the edge, a huge feeling of betrayal.

    Anyways I spent a lot of time thinking women are evil and such, being depressed over my first and smoking tons of weed while jacking off to porn a whole lot but at the same time feeling hurt n thinking this is what girls do there sluts.

    So I feel like I have a lot of anxiety, and problems with girls. I Mean I can't even think of a girl without getting anxiety now, and its dissapointing.

    When people say your gay because your afraid of what people think. I'm not so much as afraid as if a beautiful girl found out I'm gay and now it cuts all chances to be with her.

    Any input is appreciated
     
  2. AKTodd

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    I'm sorry that you went thru all this (*hug*)

    I had a difficult family and parent situation growing up and it's definitely something that can leave scars.

    That all said, I'm not seeing anything here to indicate you are gay or even bi-curious. You don't indicate any actual interest in, attraction to, or even curiosity about guys or doing anything sexual with a guy.

    You do talk about your erection issues with women. Erections are not guaranteed even for young and healthy guys and psychological issues or trauma such as you describe with your mom, the high level of anxiety you experienced with your girlfriend, etc. could act individually or together to make it difficult or impossible for you to get or keep an erection. Not being able to get an erection can then lead to more anxiety, which makes your erection problems worse, which contributes to your anxiety, etc. etc.

    Smoking a lot of weed probably doesn't help, but I will freely admit I am no fan of drug use and am biased in this area.

    Regardless, I would suggest doing what you can to work on your issues with anxiety and women, including speaking to a therapist or counselor if at all possible.

    If there's something else about your experience that leads you to think you are attracted to guys that I've missed or that you haven't mentioned, please point it out to me or post it here and we can regroup and reconsider your situation.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd
     
  3. lowkey

    lowkey Guest

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    Well so after drowning in my sorrow after my first left me for her other recent ex I was high one day watching porn and I felt like I wasn't getting off like I had previously, so I turned the attention to the guys body and I got off pretty quick. I'm not goingto lie, it did feel good, but after I felt disgusted, I notice I'd rather watch a girl giving a blowjob then a guy giving one. Seeing a girl be a slut is what I hate but at the same time its a turn on in a wierd way. So after this experience I really started bugging out, I jumped into a 2 year relationship with a girl I didn't know to prove I was straight, but it backfired, I displayed symptoms of relationship ocd with this one top, although she was more understanding. I wasn't really attracted to her. Although I did enjoy cuddling and kissing her alot.

    I kissed two guys and each time I wanted to spit out the saliva. After the hooking up with one of them who was previously my best friend we cuddled and passed out together. That felt good, that and the orgasm itself was all that I enjoyed. I woke up with terrible, terrible stomach ache.

    I haven't really crushed on a guy. Is it cause I dontvlet myself? Ive always crushed on girls and still do, but unfortunately it comes with anxiety and fear now. Its really confusing. I've tried just saying I'm gay but I keep questioning and questioning.

    ---------- Post added 15th Jul 2013 at 09:43 AM ----------

    The crushing on the girls feels sub consious, the girl who I view as dreamy just always appears in my.mind.

    This shit is depressing, I like the idea of a girl. People can say its cause of social norms, maybe it is, it doesn't change the fact I like the way they are, is this looking up to them and false attraction?

    I feel like I would be bisexual if anything and the traumatic things I've worried about for so long has plagued my thought process
     
  4. rose94

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    Hi. The thread title caught my eye as I have PTSD and I have been questioning my sexuality and whether or not it's related to trauma for years. So, although different circumstances, I have some idea of how upsetting and (more?) confusing this is, with the added complication of everything you've been through.

    However, the part that I quoted is what makes me think that you're probably not gay, not completely 100% into guys gay at least. If a girl appears in your mind and you are not telling yourself, 'think about [her] instead of [him]' then chances are thinking about females is more natural to you.

    But only you can figure this one out, as much as I'd like to give you a definitive answer, nobody can. Good luck, and I hope you can find peace and healing from the emotional damage of your experience with your family. (*hug*)
     
  5. lowkey

    lowkey Guest

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    Thanks I will be goingto a therapist again soon, I've been I have ptsd n ocd.

    It just sucks, its screwing me up. Some people say experiment, some people say don't. So I'm skeptical on how to approach the situation. Maybe ill see what my therapist says

    ---------- Post added 15th Jul 2013 at 02:49 PM ----------

    Also I like the way they are but like its flawed view at the same time.

    I could be confusing fear for attraction? Or this is just what has become of me, a friend confided that he aS. Documentary where people question there sexuality after traumatizing. Losing that subconsious contentness with the thought of a girl n stuff like that
     
  6. AKTodd

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    Given your situation, its hard to say whether your straight, bi, or gay. You could be any of these, but your past circumstances and trauma could be clouding the issue. Your fooling around with guys could be due to that being your natural orientation (in whole or in part) or it could be due to feeling like you can't get true love from women and trying the alternative. Your reaction to fooling around with guys could be because your're straight. Or because you're dealing with social conditioning that says that being gay (or engaging in gay sex) is wrong.

    I see you're already getting ready to see a therapist and I think that's the best next step you can take.

    Look at it this way: Until you can resolve your issues with your past, and the anxiety, PTSD, and OCD , you will just be bringing these problems into any relationship you attempt, regardless of whether it is with a man or a woman. It may seem a daunting task, but one thing I know from my own rather crappy childhood (which did cause some damage which took a while to fix), is that if you've gotten this far you're a damn strong person and you can get thru this as well. And while we're not therapists here, I and everyone else here at EC are always ready to talk and listen, whenever you want. You aren't alone.

    Final thing: You started by sharing your story with us. That took a lot of courage right there. Thank you.

    I've mentioned a couple times now that I also had a non-fun childhood. In the interest of honesty or full disclosure or whatever, here's my story, linked from an earlier thread where it came up. It's post #18 on the thread:

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/chit-chat/89123-how-close-you-your-family.html

    Best,

    Todd :thumbsup: