Im dont even know what i am now even though i know i have HOCD* LONG*

I think you're worrying about this more than would be considered healthy. HOCD is debatably fake (I don't really think it warrants its own term. It's just having obsessive thoughts about being gay, and that stems from OCD).

If penises and abs and such don't turn you on, realistically speaking, why would you be gay? Also, if you've had attraction towards girls for a long while now, that has got to count for something.

It just sounds like you've had 'gay experiences' but that doesn't mean you're gay. If anything, perhaps you're bisexual. I'd encourage you to look into the Kinsey Scale. It has a few inherent problems, but it is a nice first step to take. It's not either gay or straight. There are varying shades in between, and then some.

Welcome to EC, by the way =)

 

So you say you like girls? Everything about a girl turns you on? You are obsessed with girls?

That sounds pretty straight to me. :icon_wink

HOCD has way of messing with your mind. It's really difficult to deal with, but a good routine to get yourself into is, whenever you have an intrusive "am I gay" thought, just close your eyes for a second, tell yourself that it's just your mind playing tricks and that you like girls, have been turned on by girls pretty much all before, and that you really like girls.

I think you like girls in that way because of how you described your enjoyment of it.
I think you do not like guys in that way, and it is only your mind inducing anxiety over the idea. Also, don't go about testing it by looking at gay porn or anything, as this can just confuse you even more...erections are really a poor way of absolutely determining sexual orientation. Unless you feel some mix of emotional/romantic/sexual attraction to guys, I'd say you are pretty straight.

 

To ocd sufferers and to chip, and everyone lol you can't attribute all people believing to have hocd as religious crazies when a lot of them do have ocd, and some of them are Athiest. I would say Most are in denial, but a good amount have ocd or ocd tendencies to begin with. Which is why they do avoid acceptance at all cost and fight for fear instead of happiness and become chemically involved with the act of reptition, checking, relief, same questions regardless of the answer. So even if you don't label it hocd, and choose ocd, its safe to say its a type of sexual ocd. Even if the person is gay or straight there obsessed, which can be natural but its taken to a unhealthy level and a full time job and dehabilitates many mentally to the point where they physically don't want to do anything or get off the couch and are stuck on there phone, searching for answers. So its best to say your experiencing symptoms of a ocd in the sexual genre, which is causing identity problems. Denial and a sexual based ocd can happen at the same time is also what I'm getting at.

For example, I myself think I'm gay. Previously I've thought I had hocd. But I'm still stuck in this vicious cycle of checking about my sexuality, its become less prevalent at times, but it causes me to keep questioning even when the answer is in sight

 

Go see a counselor then. The funny thing with all these hocd people is that they are always afraid to go talk to a professional. My theory is that they realize that the professional will cut through all the bs and come to the conclusion that they desperately don't want to accept.

 

I do see a pyschologist and I brought it up my first session. Then I shared other things and was diagnosed with ocd and ptsd. Wasn't really afraid mate. Didn't mumble and was very clear how I felt.

I personally think I'm gay. If I could take a be straight pill I would take it instantly. No guy will have the swag of a female, I like the swag of a female, I can see beauty and hotness, I just don't get a boner.

 

So you proved my point basically, bravo. I should clarify, my comment about seeing a counselor wasn't directed at you personally, just everyone dealing with "HOCD". I would recommend you keep seeing your counselor if you have the time and money because it may help you overcome your internalized homophobia to a greater extent.

 

No, I don't think you really understand. I do know I'm gay and have accepting to do, but I believe hocd is very real. I believe I did have HOCD even while being gay, do you understand yet? Its the ocd aspect, you can be gay or straight and have HOCD. Okay maybe you don't understand.. What if a kid you looked up to growing up decided to call you gay, you think you will brush it off like its nothing? What if you already overthink things and do have ocd to begin with? Are you saying under this 1 circumstance I listed a boy cannot develop a condition revolving around the idea of HOCD?


Unless your a master of people, equations, possibilities, and chances, then you cant and won't properly disprove hocd.

Also I believe you can be straight and be homophobic and afraid to go to a therapist in fear of being hinted or told your gay. Also I'm not exactly sure what I'm proving, I'm telling you your wrong. I proved your point cause I'm gay? That's just dumb and your being completely arrogant. I'm not being a dick, I just think your doing people who really have ocd a injustice.

 

Oh my. You've now said it 20 billion times. But I second everything you've said anyways.

 

Lets just say hocd to describe symptoms, getting a boner to girls and loving it, while thinking your gay when there's no attraction but you might recognize a friend who you think is relatively goodlooking, on top of that you already have ocd, and you've just been called a faggot by three people in one day. Your saying this isn't possible? I mean that's all I'm asking, you really don't think its possible?

Being gay, if your straight or gay, has been a a fearful idea for many, it can turn into a form of ocd, I've talked to multiple pyschologists btw about the topic. Its very real, and you could very well be telling a straight person he is gay. Most of them are closeted though, but not all. And that's what I'm choosing to believe

I say hocd because its an easy label,

 

Let's try and help the OP.

OP- From what it sounds, you seem to like girls. Sexually.

I suggest since you are still questioning, to take a deep breathe, count to ten, and say "I accept myself, whoever I am"

Relax, and trust yourself, look at your attractions, and try to analyze why you possibly feel this way.

Stop looking at gay porn if you don't like it, by the way. Being gay shouldn't cause panic attacks. It's supposed to flow and just be. At least it was for me. It just was.

Hope I helped you a little

 

I do have sexually orientation ocd, just got diagnosed this afternoon. It is very much real, I am ruminating 8 hours a day about, cannot even walk the street without getting anxiety thinking do I like to look at that man? Does this turn me on, am I feeling arousal. I quit school and have trouble working, having severe anxiety attack, my relationship with my girlfriend is messed up.

Pros for me being gay/bisexual:
-Usually when I watch gay porn to test or check myself I find It not appealing. I have to really masturbate really had and focus on the guys penis and not his face or body to even get aroused.
-If I push myself hard enough into fantasizing I can get erect and be able to cum/enjoy the orgasm when I do about a man

Pros for me being not gay/bisexual:
-Before my first panic attack which I had after abusing some drugs/3days and severe stress of my gilrfriend going abroad and very little sleep and was accompanied with the thought am i gay, before that I NEVER, LITERALLY NOT EVEN ONCE even contemplated looking at men in that way, It just didnt felt arousing. It still isnt, even if I was with naked men in a shower or whatever.
-My natural orientation for porn or fantasizing has always been females or lesbian porn.
-Ive had more then 20-30 crushes in my 25 years of existence on girls, always fantasized about female teachers, classmates, got aroused if I saw some boobs.
-My sexlife with females was extremely satisifying, after I came I always wanted to cuddle with my partner, hold her close and tell her it was amazing
-I never chased girls, and I mean EVER with the thought, I should date her because society tells me to or that dating her will mask myself or true orientation.
- I never felt different in that way, never had the feeling that I was having forbidden thoughts or attraction.
-Both of my brothers have OCD, contamination ocd and skinpicking

Pretty overwhelming proof wouldnt you say? Stll the doubts keep tormenting me, I feel incredibly shit because I have anxiety 5-7 hours a day and cannot be spontanaos or fun anymore, quit school and have lost 5-10 pounds of weight, I sit alone at home all day worrying panicking being afraid I will lose my girlfriend.

REGARDING your religious nutcase argument. I am atheistic, I live in the Netherlands near Amsterdam which is sometimes mentioned the gay capital of the world. I know little to no religious people and my parents told me whoever you are, we just want you to be happy. Same goes for my friends.

 

I talked to my psychiatrist today, if you want my advice and you really have ocd, log out of this board and dont come back. Nobody on here will help you, but only make things far worse then it already is and feed into your ocd/confusion far more worse

If you truly have ocd, whatever answers chip or anyone else gives you will not satisfy you because its the doubting disease for a reason. If chip were to tell you you are straight (like he has done in my thread http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexua...loset-just-plain-ocd-brink-breaking-down.html) and yet here I am still doubting, still looking, still ruminating, still experiencing severe anxiety while the proof is overwhelming to pointing as me being hetero and at the tops bisexual/curious


It still doesnt help because the doubt will stay, if he tells you that you might be bi or gay that wouldnt help you out either, because you would still try to find an answer.

Log off and get help and be honest to your therapist and yourself. Also if you can get aroused by a male fantasy or if you watch enough gay porn DOES NOT immediatly mean that you are gay, if this is accompanied by romantic and emotional feelings for men and you notice and this has been for all of your life or a longer period of time without anxiety /ocd like tendencies then yes you could be BI or gay. If you are BI this offcourse doesnt mean you have to act on it or meaning you are going to be unhappy with a woman.

 

Part 1: helping OP
It sounds like you and your friends were just curious, and perhaps you were a little gay earlier, and maybe still are, but very VERY few people are 100% straight or 100% gay. If you like the thought of being with a girl and girls turn you on, but guys dont turn you on and make you sick, you are probably incredibly close to 100% straight, maybe even there, but you and your friends were just curious and experimenting, which is what you have to do to find this stuff out. Don't focus on getting a label for yourself, they are overrated anyways. Just go after who catches your eye, and it sounds to me like you will be going after girls.

You also seem to be suffering from the ever so common "give too many shits about what others think of you" if someone thinks you look gay, that's their thing, not yours. And if they decide to not like you or pick on you because of it, they aren't the kind of people you want to friends with anyway.

Part 2: OCD/HOCD
Chip is correct that misdiagnosis is rampant in the psychology field. I personally have been misdiagnosed three times. The first psychiatrist I talked to diagnosed me as bipolar. I took the pills and tried the special therapy, and it didn't work, and made me worse. So I try another one. Tall him the same things, he says I'm ADHD and I get worse by his treatment.

Psychiatrist number three says I'm three different people in the same head. She gives me some drugs, and I get worse. At this point, I don't want to see any more psychiatrists, but I know I need to figure it out. Psychiatrist number four says im schizophrenic, and he was right. If you still don't believe that misdiagnosis is tearing the field apart, you are ignorant and stubborn. I am not trying to discredit your diagnosis Doubtfull, but you cannot deny that chip and I are correct about misdiagnosis.

 

Offcourse its OCD, but the anxiety is reflected to the question, am I gay yes or no and ongoing compulsion/rituals and checking. My questioning did not start because I had feelings for men, or was sexually attracted to them, or deep down felt something was not right. I was in a very happy relationship and not ever did it cross my mind, hey...somethings wrong,. They started after a period of extreme stress/low sleep/drug abuse and my girlfriend going abroad, and I suddenly had the thought...what if I am gay...which resulted in a panic attack and extreme fear of losing my GF.

Since then not ONE freaking day has passed where I couldnt obsess about it and leave it be. You have no idea what it is to wake up with it the first thing in the morning and go to bed with it the last thing at night, hours upon hours of checking not a moment of silence. Also the accompanied guilt that comes with it makes you question everything, literally everything. The guilt is even worse when I think about my girlfriend all alone abroad...makes me ashamed and not worthy of here. Because if I truly loved her, why would I even have these thoughts?
OCD attacks that which you hold most dear to yourself, and the agony of that is excruciating. Sometimes I just feel like a shell, the person that used to be here all happy and carefree is gone


Even If I do turn out to be gay, you really dare saying this isnt OCD?
I still have the strong feeling it isnt denial, if it is, then I should be a fkin moviestar in Hollywood

 

That does sound very much like OCD, but most people are not blessed with the curse of mental disorders. In the OP's case, it does not seem like he has OCD, but I am not a licensed professional, so I could be wrong. And even if I was a professional, there is no way a true diagnosis could be given online, which we can all agree on.

 

Both my brothers have ocd and a niece of mine, even with this amount of compelling evidence I am experiencing anxiety, its horrible, absolutely horrible, the constant feeling of something being wrong, something not right. Trust me ive tried accepting being heterosexuall/bisexual/gay
It all just doesnt work, something still seems wrong---> BAM instant thought, maybe your not gay or bi, but transgender, dont they have continues anxiety because of being trapped in the wrong body. WTF IS THIS, i swear to god my head is going to explode

I would rather be gay and sure of it then experience this for any longer, blessing you say?
This is far worse then the pain and torment i experienced when my grandmother died(rip granny)