Hello, I'm new here and am trying to figure things out. I have always been physically attracted to women and not to men. But I have only dated guys and I am married. I've had such a hard time accepting it. When I was in high school I told people I was bisexual (I didn't want to be a lesbian) and I even came out to my parents. They were so angry though that I felt like I needed to hide it and live a "straight" life. I don't feel very straight though. I'm still attracted to women. However I do have an emotional attachment to my husband. We do love each other, but for me it's not romantic. Can I be a lesbian even though I've never been in a relationship with a woman? Or am I bi since I am married? I would love to hear your thoughts...
I had several relationships with men, and most of them ended badly because I never truly loved them. I really didn't want to be a lesbian, because i wanted to be proof that a straight woman could be perfectly happy in a tomboyish life, and also go into a male dominated field. My point is, that I wanted to hide who I was from myself, and everybody else, but in the end, I realized that I was as gay as they come. You can force yourself to be straight, but it will never feel natural, and you will never truly be happy with your mate. I'm not saying that you are for sure gay, and that you should go out and leave your husban for a woman, but you should definitely think long and hard on who you are and who you want to be. No one can tell you your sexual orientation, that is something you must discover on your own!
I agree with Lunarchy in that no one can tell you your sexual orientation. However, I can shed some light with my experience. I'm 21 now, out and proud. But in high school and my entire life before that I lived as a "straight" female. I had several relationships with men, some whom I care for VERY much. They are like brothers to me now. An emotional attachment to a man doesn't make you any less of a lesbian, at least not in my case. I have zero sexual attraction to men, but I do bond with them very well. It's hard not to grow emotionally attached with someone when you're married with them and have children. I cannot imagine the turmoil that you've endured, but just know that you are not alone.
Check out the book living two lives by Joanne fleischer and her website lavender visions if u havent already checked it out. That should be a very helpful resource. It's great ur being honest with urself. Things will get better! You clearly have the courage to face yourself!
Getting married doesn't make you straight. Just because you have never been with a girl it doesn't mean you cant be gay otherwise straight people wouldn't be straight until they had had sex with the opposite gender.
You can form an emotional bond with anyone if you want to. But if it feels like you've been withholding, then I would definitely say you're a lesbian. And that's fine. You've known that about yourself for some time and may be hoping there's some other conclusion to find. If you notice that it's causing a rift between the two of you, it may be time to let him know if you haven't already. It doesn't mean that I think you should leave him. That part's up to you and how you feel you should go forward. What you don't want to do is start looking outside of that marriage before you tell him. It's catastrophic to a man's pride when his woman is leaving him for other women. To them it means they weren't "man" enough. If you do it with care and consideration with those feelings that he could potentially have in mind, you should be able to come to at least an understanding and perhaps a friendship. I have two women who've married cousins of mine and later came out as lesbian and both of those guys are still reeling (borderline psycho) and it's been 10 years for one and 7 for the other since the split.. I don't know if men can take it as well as women do when a man is gay...but it just depends on what type of guy he is. I really really believe that a partner who's in tune should already know something is bothering you if you aren't as intimate as you've been in the past.. unless, of course, if you've hidden it very well. I wish you the best on this journey! If you feel like you'll be incomplete if you stay with him, then that'll be a decision you have to make. And do something for yourself sometime in your life. If that time is now, so be it!
There's not much that I can add to the above posts - I completely agree with them. I just want to wish you luck, and hope that you find what makes you happy. I recently accepted my lesbianism, and have never felt more relieved. I hope that if you are a lesbian, then you will soon feel the same way too .
