Have any other gay men experienced this? A split, compartmentalization

After months of questioning, and weeks of acceptance, finally reaching a stage where I can analyze my attractions objectively, I've noticed several patterns emerging. Namely, that the vast majority of my sexual fantasies now involve men, while my eyes still wander towards women. Porn, I have cut back on, and gay porn still remains in the minority. When meeting men and women, there is that "jolt" with women that's missing with men, and it usually takes months or even years of emotional closeness before anything similar starts to surface. This could be another case of "old habits die hard" since I had played the straight roll so well for most my life.

Sometimes, I wonder just what exactly I'm in-denial of, or what I'm trying to convince myself. I've long ago gave up on trying to apply a specific label on my orientation, which has brought relief, but at the same time, would like to understand what these patterns mean for me, exactly? It became problematic when I started thinking of dating men, only to develop a crush on a woman I met online recently.

To give more information, I've always experienced arousal at women's bodies, and strangely, at male stomach and chest. Even today, it's really all I pay attention to in the same-sex! That, and I've always been more of a submissive, even in my heterosexual relationships. The same-sex fantasies didn't really start appearing until after the relationships ended, whereas non-existent before, so I'm wondering if those negative experiences hurried the process? Emotions were clamped, and any desire to go out and chase women was immediately stamped out.

Anyway, I'm just wondering if this experience is typical of closeted gay men, since I've heard of men commonly arguing that while they were sexually attracted to men, emotions were more difficult (I've had a few bromance crushes in the past, but nothing like head over heels, yet) to foster, and compartmentalization was very common, ie men for sex, women for love. One more thing: in the same-sex fantasies, I've yet to see a "real man" - they're usually nameless, shadow figures, or fictional characters from stories, video games, or anime shows, whereas with women, it's been a mixture of both.

While I'd love to say with greater self-acceptance of same-sex attractions, opposite-sex attractions have flown off the radar, I'd be lying. True, my focus is on same-sex at the moment, but there seems to be a few hang ups; mental blocks, if you will. Any advice in getting over them would be helpful.

 

Honestly, I think "bisexual" has been suggested more than anything else, and not just on EC. At the moment, I'm not so concerned with labels or percentages, but in staying true to myself and accepting all parts of who I am, regardless of orientation. A good part of my time and energy has been used fighting internalized homophobia and accepting the possibility of being gay - I don't think it's possible to make valid judgments until both extremes are seen in a similar light.

Right now, I'm more interested in pursuing relationships with men, but I wonder if my recent troubles with women helped push me in this direction? A bit of a late bloomer, I fell for many women, even ending up in two co-dependent, unhealthy flings, all of which took quite a bit of emotional toll. Perhaps a part of me decided to "shut down" and look for alternatives... I was pretty jaded, so my questioning phase started at a time when I wasn't exactly in a healthy state of mind.

And I always assumed "pure" homosexuals experienced attraction much like I had with women, and wondered, "Wouldn't it be obvious by now?" Regardless, I'm looking forward to dates with men, as well as sex. So far, they've only been fantasies, but they've aroused me a lot more than female fantasies, or maybe just as much when they were first discovered? They fluctuate quite a bit.

 

Thanks for the reply! I should say that while many gay men describe emotional attraction towards women and physical towards men, my situation seems reversed - I find it difficult to be turned on by a man just from looks or acts alone. There must be a strong emotional bond first, and in fact many of my same-sex dreams and fantasies involve such a connection. Those men who do turn me on physically are more on the feminine or androgynous side, as in, the type to be mistaken as female at first sight; sometimes twinks.

Is it so wrong for a straight-leaning bisexual to want to pursue a relationship with another man? I'd be just as committed to making it work in the long-run, and don't feel labels should stop us from pursuing what our hearts want, and lately, that's what's been on my mind.

And I've heard mixed messages on pornography: some say it's the key to determining where your attractions lie, while others can get off to and prefer pornography that doesn't match their orientation at all. See: lesbians watching gay male pornography. True, I've watched a few gay male videos, but that immediate "zap" I get with women was missing. I was curious, but if we're to look at my overall preferences, even now, it's mostly straight porn, with a focus on the woman.