Hello everyone, I've been doing tons of Google searches and even posted on Reddit to try and find out what I am exactly. I found this website and hoped that I could get some advice (not saying the people on Reddit are bad, I just want more feedback and different opinions). Sorry for this long post in advance. For as long as I can remember I have been attracted to men. In high school I only had one girlfriend, but we didn't do anything sexual because I was pretty socially awkward and didn't know how to have a relationship. Throughout high school I had basically thought "I'll just become straight one day, no big deal." I've just finished my first year at university to give you an idea of where I am. Over this summer, I have no idea why, but my feelings just became too much, and I had to tell someone. The first person I told was one of my best friends, and I told him that I've had a crush on him for a while and about my feelings towards men and he said he's still my friend and doesn't care that I have a crush on him or if I'm gay, bisexual, pansexual, what have you. Then I told the others in my group of friends; they are all supportive and are still my friends and these feelings are a "non issue" as they have said, because they all still want to be my friend. This was a month ago. One month later I still don't know what my sexuality is. On the Reddit post I made, many people have said to not worry about a label and just see what you like. Well I'm taking their advice and I'm not going to go by a label for now, but I'm still curious as to what I could possibly be. To be honest, I can't really see myself dating a man, besides my friend that I have a crush on, but he's straight so that's never going to happen. I'd rather date a woman, but I'm still not sure if it's because I'm bisexual or because I've been raised with the notion of homosexuality being wrong and a sin. Right now, I don't really have any strong desires to have sex with a man or a woman. The thought of sex with a man repulses me, but the thought of sex with a woman scares me because I don't know if I could get aroused enough to actually have sex. Throughout my life (to be blunt) I've never got a boner from women, until a few days ago when I watched lesbian porn. I then watched some more the next day, but it didn't get me aroused that time; obviously I'm wondering why and wondering if I will ever get aroused from a woman again. I know some people think that it's bullshit, but I got a 3 on the Kinsey scale, which makes me wonder even more if I'm bisexual. The thought of me being bi sounds ok in my head, but the idea of me being just gay scares me, because I'm afraid of being a social pariah and not having my own kids as well. Well that is pretty much it, I can't think of anything else to explain my situation, but if anyone else does I will answer it. Thank you for your help.
Can you imagine yourself doing couply things, not only sex, with a man? And with a woman? It could help you to see which makes you feel more comfortable/better.
Good point there. It may come down to sexual attraction, but to have a healthy relationship you have to be able to do things as a couple( cuddling, shopping together, going to the park, etc)
Hun, I've been raised with the notion of homosexuality being wrong and a sin, I'm out...to some extent. Being raised with a notion of what's right and wrong doesn't mean a damn thing, it all boils down to what YOU want. RELIGION doesn't ultimately have an adverse effect on what an individual wants in life. Hell, I'm Catholic and I don't have a damn problem with wanting to date a guy. Furthermore, I was having homosexual thoughts in church Point is, religion is a bunch of bull. It all just matters about 2 things (if you believe in A god): 1) What do you want in life? 2) only God can judge you. EDIT: I should probably change my signature after saying religion is a bunch of bull but whatevs.
So even if I'm turned on more by men and less by women, could I still have a meaningful relationship with a woman? I'm sure that if I get close enough to one, sex will not seem so scary, but I'm still kind of scared, because one of my friends told me that one of his dad's co-workers was married and had kids, but he eventually came out one day and felt like he had wasted his life married to a woman and became so stressed that he killed himself. I'm afraid that if I decide to date a woman, it will turn out dysfunctional like that. I think that I have the capacity to fall in love with anyone of any sex, but with a man I think it would be a little awkward at first.
It's ok to be scared for now, and I'm sure confusion doesn't help; however, the odds of being ostracized or prevented from ever having kids are much less these days. I don't know why you phrase it 'social pariah,' when it sounds like your friends all accepted the possibility. If you truly cannot get aroused for females (you could always ask one to help you figure this out), then you just can't. Your 3rd paragraph just screams internalized homophobia to me. Until you can move past this fear of being gay/bi, it's going to be hard to come to a conclusion.
@Ilikecats, Sorry I meant to say "So even if I'm turned on more by men and less by women, could I still have a meaningful relationship with a woman if that's what I want?*" @Blueberrymuffin, when I say a social pariah I mean in the rest of the world. I've done the calculations and people like us are wanted for the crime of being attracted to the same sex in about 25% of the countries of the world (granted most of these are in Africa and the middle east, need I say more). To me though I still feel like an outsider sometimes when I'm around my friends because they're all straight. Whenever they talk about boobs or hot girls I just think "Yeah I kinda get it I guess." Sometimes it hurts so much to know that I'll never be normal like they are.
You might be heteromantic (or something like that), where you are romantically attracted to girls, but not sexually?
Yes, it sucks being gay in those parts of the world, but it sounds like you personally are not likely to be be shunned. Yeah, you hang out with hetero guys, that's what they're gonna talk about. I think it would help you a lot to make some gay friends and get some positive feedback, since you seem to have this mentality that gays are not normal and cannot be happy. Around them you will see that, whatever you identify as, you're going to be *fine* Your story about the guy who married and later come out is a real possibility. My uncle married because back then that was the only real path to a family and career. Even 3 kids later, he came out, and of course they divorced. This led to $100k in lawyer fees and he moved to the other side of the country to try and start over. Well, that's a little more difficult at 50. The difference here is that, nowadays, you don't face the same kind of pressures. So, if you want to try dating a girl, fine, but I hope you can pull back if it's just not making you happy.
I know that gay people can be happy, sorry if I came off as offensive. I'm going to sound like a hypocrite but it's really hard to explain; I really just don't want to be gay. I have nothing against anyone who is, I just don't want to be gay myself. I've always had mental health issues, so my brain has never been completely ok. I always feel like the world is out to get me and that I'm inferior to anyone in any way (especially my friends), and then it's just like, tack on one more thing you have to deal with. I always think "Why me?" I've never really liked myself, but now I'm seeing a therapist and I hope that will help. I think I'm starting to like myself more, but then there's this whole sexuality thing. I feel like I could like myself more if it wasn't for this. If it comes to it, I'm probably just going to ignore it for as long as I can stand it and then just stay single probably forever. I've never really had any strong urges to have sex with anyone anyway, so what will the difference end up being. Sorry for the long post, I'm really just venting at this point.
