Part of the way through middle school I got this ridiculous crush on this kid I was friends with, and that quickly grew and grew and after that I was sure I was gay. I know all of you are at least partially aware of the kind of emotional roller-coaster that was and still is, since to be honest it's been like 6 years and I still haven't come to terms with it at all really. Like I hated myself for the longest time and in some ways, I'm still not totally over that...but that's a whole other issue and not what I want to address really. The most important thing out of all of that was that I was sure of it, and I lived with it. It was like, "Okay, yeah, whatever, I'll get used to this sooner or later, or at least bear with it." I developed deep attractions to other guys and friends of mine; I even tried dating a girl to see if that would change anything, and I felt nothing (might as well have been kissing a brick wall), and she could tell. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that girls just weren't my thing. This year (my junior year) I even had a surefire opportunity to date my friend who probably would've been the perfect girl for me as far as interests and personality goes--she was a beautiful person inside and out, but I just didn't feel it. All of the openly flirtatious things see said to me made me a little uncomfortable, but I tried to cling to it. Maybe I'm bisexual or whatever. Buuuuut I really knew I wasn't. So a few weeks ago, I went to this week-long Musical Theatre Conservatory summer program thing, and I figured it was a perfect opportunity to test the waters and try coming out and just telling people I was gay, since the environment was incredibly accepting (the straight guys were in the minority there lmao), I wouldn't have to interact with my family at all for a sennight, and in the unlikely scenario in which things went awry, chances were that I'd only see them for a week and would most likely never have a face to face interaction with them ever again! So to make a long story short, the first chance I got I said, "But yeah, I'm gay." Even though it came as a surprise to most of the kids there (I pull of the normal-straight-dude thing pretty well, but that's pretty much who I am, aside from the fact that I'm not straight), everyone was really chill about it, and I even made some new friends as a result. I even had a few heart-to-heart conversations about how being gay and all that made me feel, and how I felt about it etc. However after I said it, I just felt so...wrong. Almost as if I had just lied to everyone about me being gay, as if I had just said some kind of awful untruth. It was really weird; I was waiting for that incredibly dope, liberating feeling that comes out of just being honest with everyone and telling the truth about my sexuality, but it just made me feel even more uncomfortable than I had felt in my spacious-as-hell closet. The day after that, we went into the city to see a musical (this was probably the "gayest" week of my life I swear lmfao), and I felt really odd, and I started to impulsively look at all of the good looking women and girls that started to pass us by through the bus windows and walking down the street. I almost felt as if my brain was trying to prove to itself that I wasn't as gay as I had just told everyone. Part of me was like, I finally told someone, hell yes!, but another part of me was like, Holy crap, what is wrong with me, why would I tell people that, I can't be gay! People are going to have all sorts of weird prejudiced and false impressions about me thanks to that! The rest of the week, I tried not to bring up my "gayness" in any way shape or form, because it kinda made me just uncomfortable. The whole ordeal just screwed with me, because now I almost feel like I'm still grasping on to that sliver of hope, that silver lining in the clouds that I might not be totally gay, that there's still a chance to live that picturesque American life that I always dreamed about. Am I just still bullshitting myself, trying to force myself to think I like girls so I can be accepted by others and, more importantly, myself? I mean, I've been doing it for so long, I don't even know if I can (or am ready to) stop. Boy this inquiring/ranting thing is oddly calming and therapeutic
Based on the feelings (or lack thereof) that you're describing toward women (even when you describe impulsively looking at them), I'm inclined to think that you're not straight, probably gay. That said, you don't say much about your actual feelings toward guys. Do you find guys attractive? Do you fantasize about guys when masturbating? What happens if you try to fantasize about women while masturbating? What happens if you just let a fantasy go where it will without any judgement or feelings about where it may go? The answers to the above might give you some more information as to what you are. Regarding your feelings, both before and after coming out to people, it sort of sounds like internalized homophobia to me. While it's normal to have a certain amount of 'buyer's remorse' after making a major life decision or action (for me anyway), this seems to go beyond that. You mention your parents not finding out...do you have reason to believe the reaction would be extremely negative? You don't give much of a sense that your peers would necessarily react all that negatively however. Just trying to get an idea of where your negative feelings might be coming from. While it is possible that some people will not accept you for being gay, it is certain that quite a lot of people will. An even larger number probably won't care. You seem to have seen a bit of that already with your first coming out experience, actually. Accepting yourself may be a bit harder, from the sounds of it, but that is also quite doable. On a final note, you mention a 'picturesque American life'. Not sure exactly what you mean by that, but based on other's posts that often seems to include a wife, kids, and a house with a picket fence. There is no reason that you cannot have that sort of life (or a variation of it), with a husband instead of a wife, if that's what you want. Hope this helps, Todd
I am still getting spikes of 'oh shit what am i doing'... but theyre becoming less frequent and less powerful.. To me (in my case at least) it's not so much internalised homophobia as it is the habits society raises us to have - everything being hetero-oriented - and the habits i instilled in myself over all the years of trying to be something i wasnt. Also the fear plays into itself somewhat - when I see a girl who i think is well dressed or attractive, I find myself worrying that I made a mistake thinking I'm gay. I used to think about this for weeks, but now it's usually a concern that has passed within a few seconds.. usually when my eyes instantly wander from the girl to a nearby guy :lol: Since you're young id say just follow how you feel for a while, and then once you've done that for a while, look at where it lead you
Oh wow I'm glad I found this post, lately I have been having some doubts as well because I will, one moment, be very confident and feel like: yes! I'm gay! And the next I just feel like I'm shitting everyone and I'm making it up in my head... Then I force myself to look at guys/girls and see if I am attracted to them or if I am just recognizing that a heteo-society would find then attractive and it's just an unhealthy cycle. *sigh* So anyways I'm glad to know others are feeling the same way. I don't have much advice for you but I just figured it's nice to know someone else is in the same boat.
