Hello, I'm very confused right now. I have a beautiful girlfriend that I find very attractive, I love girls, boobs, ass, all my fantasies seem to be about girls and I notice girls walking around, they fill me with an amazing butterflies like feeling that at this time has exclusively been from girls alone. When I watch porn, I watch solo girl porn and prefer girls in outfits, schoolgirl being a personal favourite. I enjoy performing oral sex on girls, and I worship my girlfriends body for hours when I'm at my horniest. So there's my straight side. When I first watched gay porn I got very aroused, now I rarely get aroused at all, when I do though, I get this strange feeling I don't get with girls, it's not as pleasant and I don't really feel a connection to it, and I can get there eventually to just about anything, the attraction does seem to be there. When the guy is muscly etc, its easier to do it to and penises turn me on to some extent in porn and when masturbating without. I have tried everything I have read on here, to try fantasising without porn, to try accepting the thought every time one intrudes into my brain. Sometimes it works, and I feel proud to be bisexual (my attraction to girls never in doubt), but then I still get this horrible anxious feeling that I carry around with me until my head becomes clearer. I literally have no conscious problem with my attraction to guys when it's there, and I feel happy when I actually do experience some arousal to guys. The times when I'm most anxious now, come when I see a good looking guy on the TV, register that he's attractive, and then try and tell myself that it's ok to find it attractive, even if its what I prefer, it's fine. This invokes a similar sensation to what I have experienced in the past. Those times being completely non sexual related incidents. From washing my hands until they were bleeding, making sure my zipper was up to the top all day until I couldn't do anything that would apply pressure to my finger tips, to less strenuous things like not being able to enjoy watching TV unless the screen is completely straight. Breaking out in sweat, anxiety filling me up inside, this is what happens when it comes to these gay thoughts. I don't know if I have OCD, I don't want to get help as I want a job in government when I'm older, and I'm not sure if this would hinder my chances of getting a job in certain sectors. I'm not sure if my gay thoughts are linked to this or norm but its a similar sensation. I am doing my best to try and accept whatever thoughts come in to my head, but they just don't flow naturally, it's really hard and frustrating to explain. The last thing I want is to be someone in denial, I hate the thought of that. I hear of people thinking they were straight or bi and then realising they are gay, but through all of this, I have never once lost my attraction for girls, in a certain moment, the worrying my dampen my enjoyment in anything and its hard to enjoy things when thoughts are intruding and making me feel really anxious and uncomfortable in my own skin, in moments like that, my libido for my girlfriend goes down, but solo girl porn still works. Girls seem to ooze this appealing, magnetic sexuality whilst guys just kind of, don't to me? Other than that, I am so, so happy with my girlfriend and with my sex life, and I'm happy when guys actually do arouse me, it's just when i notice a guy is good looking, don't feel anything other than completely ambiguous feelings, and get confused and anxious as hell, recently resulting in this strange butterflies feeling that is kind of like excitement and feeling sick, but in a very unpleasant away that, as I put before, makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. I try fantasising about these guys with an open mind and I do get there, it doesn't feel as good as when I fantasise about girls, but there is a certain anxious feeling that is obviously there which isn't there with girls. I am doing my best to not fall back onto OCD and use it as a crutch in my bid to find some clarity. Also, I have been quite strange around people for years. Not comfortable with anyone other than my girlfriend going near me, even my parents I struggle to hug. This is something I have to get over and I'm getting better, and when I face up to a guy coming close to me, I feel better but I still struggle to act normal. The same happens with girls, accept with them, my worry is that I would do something inappropriate, I haven't had many close, platonic female friends. I tell my girlfriend everything I'm feeling all the time, and she is ok with whatever I am, I'm sure I love her, and I'm sure I'm incredibly attracted to her, but I'm worried that all these worries mean something more and I'm obsessed with the fact that they somehow invalidate my feeling towards my beautiful girl. Clarity, help, please?
