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I think I may be a lesbian...but I can't even say it.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Brit, Jul 23, 2013.

  1. Brit

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Hello everyone,
    I have been searching this forum for the past few months and I have finally gained the courage to post a thread myself. I truely appriciate any and all help you might be able to give me.
    Where do I begin?....
    I had a pretty neglectful/abusive childhood and because of that I pushed myself to the wayside for many years. I am now 22 and have only just began to discover who I truely am. My sexual orientation was never on my mind growing up. I never knew anyone who was not strait, I did not even know that liking the same gender was an option. Everyone around me was telling me that being gay was gross or "a sin" so I never thought to consider it for myself even though I felt really "different".

    I was very much a tom boy growing up. I wore only boys clothes ages 8-11 and I only stopped in order to fit in with my friends. It was around that age that most of my friends became "boy crazy" and I thought they were compleatly exagerating! I never understood why they behaved like that but just assumed I would become the same way sooner or later. Looking back I realize that I went through puberty much faster than any of my friends. My body was fully developed by age 11 but I still wasnt boy crazy. At age 12 I had a sleep over at one of my friends houses. My friend made a comment about my body and I said " ya, look at me! I don't know why I dont like boys yet." She then said "Well maybe you like girls hahaha". I laughed it off and didnt even allow myself to consider it. I then realized that I would soon need to start "Liking" boys or I would never fit in.

    At age thirteen I literally planned to call a guy "hot" all of my friends were doing it so I felt like I needed to join in. We were watching pirates of the carribean and I was pondering wether or not to call Orlando Bloom "hot" I had to think about it but then decided that my friends would think he was attractive so I said it and I recived the exact reaction I was looking for. I then continued to call movie stars hot and It got easier and easier to say. So easy that I can't really tell If I find those men attractive or if I tricked myself into thinking so. It is really confusing?? The only men I find attractive are the "movie star" type but I cant really see myself living with them or being thier wife.

    At age 14 I had my first boyfriend. I only agreed to go out with him because my best friend wanted me to. He was a nice boy but I felt like he was extremly pushy. I grew to like holding his hand and cuddling with him but he had to practicly beg for me to kiss him. We went to a church youth group together and we were sitting on the back of the church bus. He kept turning my head twards his and I kept turning it away. I finnaly gave in and It felt all wrong to me. I was excited to have had my first kiss but it just felt all wrong. I grew to be ok with kissing him though and I was devistated when we broke up.

    I have always felt really protective and attached to my friends who are girls, looking back I think I had crushes on them, but pushed it aside. I only had a few crushes on guys but I was only able to crush on guys with whom I was very good friends with and I never wanted to tell anyone.

    I had a brief relationship with a man. I again agreed to date him because a friend told me I should. I let him hold my hand and cuddle with me. When it came to making out I absolutly hated it. I hated the feel of his manly face against mine. He was clean shaven but I hated the feel of his face, I dont know how to describe it. I ended the relationship fairly quickly and without much explaination. Witch is not like me at all, I really care about peoples feelings but I did not know what to do in that situation. Since then I have had no relationships with men. Whenever I think a man likes me I tend to avoid the subject and I fear them bringing it up.

    My first year in college I became very attached to my roomate. I told her things I have never told anyone before. I felt so comfortabe around her. I found her to be extremely gorgeous and I loved her personality. I would bring her random gifts and do her laundry. Everytime I came back to the room I would be sad if she was not there. If she went away for the weekend I would be unhappy all weekend. I loved to be around her and I loved listening to her stories. I found myself planning to give her hugs for random reasons. I felt excited when she invitied me to do boring things like grocery shopping. As the end of the year grew closer I found myself to be very upset about leaving her. I wrote her a goodbye note. When moving out day came I was bawling (and I dont cry easily). I gave her a hug that she had to pull away from. I felt like I could hold her there for hours. I cried the entire 3 hour drive home. I had never felt like that before but at the time I assumed it was just because she was a really good friend. Now I think that I may have really liked her in a romantic kind of way...?

    At the begining of the year I moved into an apartment with my best friend. I began thinking " wow, I could live with one other girl for the rest of my life, I really like this" Then I really began asking myself If I could be gay. This question has been driving me bannanas (!). The church was my escape as a child. I hated being at home so I went to the church whenever I could. I used to be the biggest homophobe, and I feel really bad about that. I have now come to realize that God would never hate someone for being the way he created them to be. However, I am still really confused about my sexual orientation.

    Something inside of me is saying " just try being with a guy, you haven't found the right one yet" and the other part of me is saying " you haven't found the right guy because there is no right GUY." I don't know what to do. I am in counseling but I cant even bring myself to tell my counselor about this. I am too much of a wimp to tell her that I might be gay. I wish I had the courage to say something but a part of me keeps holding back and thinking that it may not be true.

    Sorry about the length but I did not want to leave anything out.
    Thanks for the help,
    Britt
     
  2. Odd Potato

    Regular Member

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    Hello Brit, and welcome to EC!

    Reading your story I find many similarities with mine. I am also new on EC, and haven't found much answers yet, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this.

    I also just started questioning, at 23. Altough I grew up in a more accepting environment, I never thought about my sexuality and was just not interested in guys. I never really noticed them. I also never really was boy crazy. My friends and I discussed day to day things and never really talked about what guy they found hot though. I had my first boyfriend when I was 19, I finally found the courage to explore what it was like. And I liked it, especially in the beginning, yet I needed to get used to being kissed because I didn't like it much after the first time. I never really stopped noticing women though, so after this last drop that flooded the bucket I started questioning. Here I am.

    To give you my view about your dilemma (I'm new so please don't assume I'm an expert):

    - you didn't understand the 'boy crazy' thing
    - you only called boys/men hot to fit in
    - you did not like to be intimate and 'be' with your boyfriend, because it feels wrong
    - the roommate thing indeed looks like you were crushing, although I'm not an expert in that. Some people just have really tight friendships. But wanting to find excuses to cuddle and hold her looks like something more.

    In my opinion, these points you mentioned tend to lean towards you liking women. You've grown up in a highly religious environment, and not to be disrespectful, but not every church agrees with your view on the LGBT community. Since youçe said you've 'now' come to realize that God made us all and His love is for everyone, I assume you did not in the past. This and the fact that you, in your words, were a homophobe, could mean that you have some internalized homophobia which could blur your vision and keep you in denial. You seem to have made the first steps now in trying to find yourself and analyze you feelings in an honest way. I can't tell you wether or not you are gay, bi, straight or whatever, you need to discover that yourself. There sure are clear signs, you just have to be able to 'see' them. A therapist/councellor could be helpful here, but please make sure he/she is LGBT friendly (you could try to find out in several ways, but you could also just ask your counsellor what he thinks about LGBT, or pretend that you're worried about a gay friend or something). Talking/writing about it helps, and it is always nice to have some other interpretations of your story than your own.

    Best of luck!
     
  3. fluffyhandcuff

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    Hi,

    hmmm, it really sounds like you are not interested in boys at all. Neither in a romantic, nor in a physical way. But to be honest it doesn't seem like you feel a strong attraction to women either. Has there been physical attraction towards a woman or a strong emotional one where you're sure it wasn't just strong friendly feeling? Can't really tell if you're lesbian tbh.
     
  4. Straight ally

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    Well, it looks to me that you are probably lesbian.

    If you werent you would have crushed on a guy by this time, more than one guy probably. It might be rare and hard to find the right person, wether the right guy or the right women, but is not that rare or hard to find someone who arouse you or makes you fall in love, and, from what you have said , you have never been aroused or in love with a guy, on the other hand you have already crushed on girls.

    Also i'm straight (male) and being 23 years old i have fell in love 5 times with a woman, while with men, i have never desired spending all my life with a man, neither i have had any sexual desire toward a man.

    Just as the poster above you said, the clarity of things might be blurred by what people tells you is right or wrong , and by what they expect of you.

    Suggestion for you: read coming out' s stories here at EC, you might find many stories with describes the process of coming out to oneself or realizing how and when they knew, also you might relate with many stories and that could make things clearer.

    :goodluck:
     
  5. Berky

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    Hi there, it sounds like you're going through a lot. At first blush it sounds like you may be a lesbian. When it comes down to it though that's really a label for a persons traits and in this case your feelings and attraction towards other people. What I'd like to say is that you've had some experiences that sounds like even if you had been straight, you were forcing something that wasn't there, and that can cause its own negative reinforcement.

    When looking at your relationship with your roommate try to think of your other relationships with people. You mentioned being in a situation where you could tell her things that you never told anyone, that you were comfortable around her. It could be that - lesbian or not - you for once had someone in your life you could really open up to, that you didn't need barriers and protections, you could let your hair down so to speak. If you never had any relationship or person in your life you could relate to on that level, your bound to feel very emotionally connected with that person, and that can be confusing on a number of levels especially with regards to determining the difference between love and a profoundly deep emotional connection, and if you have both present how would you know? Its definitely a tricky situation.

    Here is a thread where I a girl who was conflicted and not how to approach what she was feeling and what she should do. it may be helpful.

    Good luck and try to enjoy your journey wherever it leads!