Ok, so this is difficult for me to write as I am very confused and uncomfortable about even being on a site like this, but fortunately you seem like reasonable, good people here from reading a few posts. I know this is a long post, but I hope you'll read it anyway. I'm a 31 year old male and I've been having sexual orientation questions for most of my adult life - probably since puberty. Now when I say this it gets confusing (I also have other mental issues, including a bad childhood with violent father and emotionally incesteous/manipulative/co-dependent mother, maybe some other abuse of a different kind that I am not sure really happened but I don't want to dwell on that to begin with). I've probably thought of my self for the past several years as a 31 year old straight man, who had some 'emotional issues' with both men and women. As I said, it gets confusing for me because of a bad childhood with semi-incestous experiences and violence/abuse. I do think I need to figure out what is really up and down here as I generally feel miserable. Anyway, I was as a kid quite of a 'mommas boy' and probably identified a lot with her, since my father was distant and abusive. I felt like puberty with crushes and boy/girl things was scary and happened way too early. That's also when things got confusing. I don't think I ever had a real crush on a girl (maybe I had on my mother:bang as a young teenager, while at the same time, if I am honest I probably had some emotional "crushes" on some guys, but really only platonic (or maybe that is denial?). In any case and cause of confusion, since my first memories, I have been sexually attracted to women. I masturbated to women in underwear in catalogs, to women in movies, bought a porn mag with girls etc. etc. I also had intense raging boners when kissing or close dancing with girls in high school. I made out with several girls but never went the whole way (and was definitely aroused/attracted). Yet the actual thought of being in a relationship with a girl scared me intensily. I was a very shy kid to the point of stuttering and not finding words if a girl (even guys) began talking to me sometimes. Anyway, going forward since then, I began having sex with women in my 20s, not many, but quite a few one night stands when I was mostly drunk (and not so shy). I did feel very attracted sexually (even emotionally, but not 'crushing' enough to pursue afterwards/overcome shyness). I do get hard with women and also without direct stimulation - sometimes - there have definitely been women who I've lusted after fully in the moment (but not really into emotionally). That is the confusing part, because I do enjoy the sensation/feelings of a woman, particularly one who is into you as well. The smell, smooth skin, soft lips, round butt, hips etc. I very much like the feeling I get from when a woman likes me and I get physically involved with her. But it is not a full emotional connection. While it happens that night/evening, it feels great, but the next day, I really don't feel much emotionally. I like sex with women, particularly when drunk and uninhibited, but to some degree I find it extremely difficult to connect and understand women on an emotional level, hence my 'mancrushes' in the past (which I still am not sure had any real sexual attraction or if I'm denying it). In any case, I've been with quite a lot of women now following the same pattern of living in isolation and once in a while going out and finding one night stands when drunk. I just read some stories about denial and a common theme was 'i am just an independent person', 'i like sex etc, but not relationship', 'i just cant find the time etc', 'i am a loner' etc, and many of those 'excuses' just hit a little too close to home. I have to say, I don't really feel like I am attracted to the male form. I don't really remember ever really feeling sexually aroused by a male or fantasising about it, though emotional attraction I will admit to in some degree. I don't look at gay porn (not trans either), I don't think I've ever fantasized in masturbation to male fantasies either. I am definitely afraid of the possibility of being gay or bi (which I could better accept). Why? Part of it is the idea about facing a completely different life, also not being able to have a normal family. I also don't like the idea of 'giving up' women if so, because I do enjoy being with a woman sexually and intimate. The feminine energy feels good but also at the same time pushes me away. So I am really quite confused about the whole thing. I have rationalized in the past because of thinking maybe the unnatural relationship with my mother and estranged father had made me have problems with both masculinity and femininity (identifying too much as feminine, seeing masculinity as violent etc), but I really don't know if this is just my mind at work in denial. In any case, I think I need to try and be honest and see a therapist about these things. I also don't want to push into one direction or the other because of what others think. I would very much appreciate your thoughs though.
I know how you feel man, trust me; I still kind of question myself but am going with the Asexual label until as follows, and yes; sometimes in this site and many may disagree, that finding your true sexuality is a unique experience, yours should not (should not, does not necessarily mean it CANNOT but it should not) be any similar to anyone elses, their cases are different and results do vary; some are completely happy, and others; not so much. If you do not feel attracted to men as you stated here; it could just simply mean you're not gay. Basically, everyone questions their sexuality at some point in their life mostly to find who they are, some will find that maybe it was just for them to realize they aren't really homosexual and that they were insecure or uncomfortable with homosexuality in general (which was my case I think because I noticed; despite my support for the LGBTQ [they added that in recently] I harbor some Xenophobia), but other cases may find that there are some legit issues with their "Straightness" or Gayness" (despite what others may claim, gay people get "confused as well"). In all shortness, I don't think you are gay, Bi is a more likely possibility since you mentioned emotional attachment towards other males as well. It is possible for MANY things to be true, but until you find your true self, you may never know; and you will know in due time, some take lifetimes finding themselves, other discover immediately.
Hey man, I read your post and it sounds like to me that you could be bi leaning toward women Whatever you identify is up to you. My thoughts is that you should identify with whatever you want out of life. If you want romantic and sexual attraction out of life, then identify as bi. I, personally, am only emotionally attracted to women so I identify as gay. By the same token, since you are only attracted to men emotionally, I say identify as straight. But like I said identify yourself with what you want out of life. I know this answer is very vague but this is all I could do! Hope it helps!
I understand you perfectly because I went through the same thing but in a smaller time scale. For the longest time I remember myself being attracted to girls (but I hung out with them more than guys) From what you have so confidently discussed with us here, it seems that for the most part you are straight. The fact that you are in in way attracted to guys you don't seem to be homosexual. But emotional attachments to guys seems to be derived from the lack of an intimate father figure (that instead you had an abusive or distant father). Your confusion seems to be that you feel like you are attracted to females but question why your attracted to males on an emotional level. As far as why you have sex when your drunk could also derive from your fathers abuse (if he targeted you masculinity). You may feel more confident when drunk. Hope I helped! If you want me to answer more questions you can PM me or further the discussion here. (*hug*)
I think you are desiring an emotional bond with men that may have not been fulfilled from your childhood. Your sexual orientation definitely screams STRAIGHT but it seems you need a healthy male bond in your life. This can be done platonically. I don't know much about your social life or the male friends you might have. We all have emotional needs that aren't necessarily sexual. You may need a healthy and fulfilling friendship with another male. Another male you can trust. I think this is why you may think this is confusion over sexual orientation. But I don't think it has anything to do with sexual orientation.
Go watch some gay porn then and see if you like it more than lesbian porn ---------- Post added 27th Jul 2013 at 01:27 PM ---------- I think that could be a little confusing to the OP.. for example, what I want after life is a straight life.. I've only known emotion for girls, a high appreciation for there beauty I believe I mistakened for real attraction..*I want to be straight cause its all I've ever known, but should I be? Sometimes ill see a guy in person and think I would like to be his boyfriend, usually when I get s gay sense from him
You sound straight to me. Try forming an emotional connection with women first before pursuing a physical relationship.
Hey man, I read some of your posts and see some similarities, but I am +10 years older than you. Like you, I never really had homosexual thoughts and my masturbation interests as a teenager was all girls (porn, magazines, movies, girls in school etc). Like you, I also had some crushes in high school on girls but never acted on them. You wrote about how you felt about a girl wanting to hold her, kiss her, protect her and how she made you feel like a man. I've felt like that as well several times, but for some reason I never really went for it. There could be other things involved though, I also have had a lot of feelings about being inadequate as a man, some of it no doubt from a bad childhood and being a 'mommas boy' /co-dependent/covert incesteous with my mother. So as I wrote, things are complicated. I wish you luck in figuring out what you want. I am not in a position to tell you anything as I am here asking myself, but the way you described your feelings towards that girl crush of yours sounded straight to me. Thanks for your reply. I've tried to be honest with myself and when I try saying to myself 'you are homosexual' it just doesn't sit right. On the other hand, straight (but and if) feels more like it fits. Or a variation of straight. I don't really know, but I do know that 'gay' doesn't really reasonate as of now if I am honest, I don't REALLY feel it/believe it. On the other hand, the times when some very feminine gay men have come on to me, I have felt flattered. I try to imagine living with and having a relationship with a man and I just can't imagine it. Of course, I have no experience with that, though I did live with a bro for some months when I was temporarily homeless and much enjoyed it - but we went out together chasing ladies and I actually slept with two women in that 2 month period (and enjoyed it). While I definitely felt a close emotional intimate connection with my friend during that period, when I slept with those girls and hung out with one a couple of times, I felt a different kind of 'peaceful' feeling perhaps, like in balance, natural and devoid of thought. That is honestly the best I can describe it, but definitely a good feeling despite me feeling very anxious before meeting her. Yet I still probably felt more of a 'soulmate' feeling with my friend, however, I don't know how much of this is due to not having that many friends and also having some schizoid issues (having great difficulty expressing emotion/anger), so not that many people actually know me. Thank you for your reply. It's also that while I have been sexually attracted to women for a long time (I have slept with many and gotten hard from just a look), I find most annoying honestly and difficult to relate to. Some women though I have felt an instant connection with, sort of feeling like they make me feel the most confident me and make me want to conquer the world to impress her. But I definitely also have had a couple of 'mancrushes' where I want to spend time with that guy and feel warm being around them, though I honestly don't think I've ever had an urge to get physical or holding hands even hugging. I think I really desired male acceptance and bonding as a young teenager because I was vulnerable for having a father who didn't love me and also being a bit of a weak boy because I identified most with my mother. A therapist I saw in the past told me 'it is very unfortunate your first relationship was with your mom'. I have no idea if this has anything to do with anything. I don't have many male friends, only a couple from way back. I know for sure I have desired a close male bond since early teenage years. I also looked for surrogate dads in my jobs etc. Unfortunately having that bad relationship with my father and being weak because of it, also gave other bullies an opportunity. I don't really want to watch gay porn though, but I don't know if it is because I fear I will like it or because I genuinly have no interest in it. I don't really think I've ever had that curiosity, but perhaps I will check it out and see what happens. I do think I will try laying off porn and masturbation for quite some time and see what happens with my attraction. It's weird. I've been to strip clubs where I didn't get aroused at all. Then I've met girls who were far less objectively attractive but just gave me a raging boner from flirting with me or just a light touch on the arm. I suppose actually want an emotional connection, but I have hard time getting such with both women and men. One of the reasons I found my way here was showing a business associate around town (I live in a place with lots of strip clubs, prostitution and girls who enter into relationships with money as motivation). This guy just was very driven to having sex with multiple women day after day and constantly set up dates. I on the other hand, live a solitary life and feel stressed and anxious about going on dates or online dating. I also feel uncomfortable with having to be direct and put on the spot with women - except for being drunk. Anyway, the ease and energy with which this guy pursued and found women contrasted with my life and 'excuses'. I do have a lot of general anxiety though such as extreme anxiety of public speaking and about rejection/abandonment. Another thing that likely led me here, was that my libido has simply been crap for over a half year. I can't remember the last time I was really turned on without watching more and more devious porn. In the past I have had erections in day to day life from watching a hot woman or going home and masturbating to the image. The fact that I don't seem to get those erections anymore probably also made me question things. I am considering taking a testosterone supplement for a couple of weeks just to up my libido to the max, so I can figure out in which direction it goes. In any case, thank you all for taking your time to help out.
I think I'll stick to my previous response. Maybe try to reach out to other males in a platonic way. If things aren't working out too well on your own, then maybe speak with a professional. Back in the day when homosexuality was considered a mental disorder, it was thought that a weak, cold, absent father and overbearing mother caused a male to become gay. It has long been debunked but its memory still remains. I went through a period of blaming my parents for my own same sex attraction. Of course I didn't fully realize that many people who are straight have had the same child-parent dynamics. As far as your libido is concerned, depression or anxiety can impact it. We all go through stages where our libido fluctuates. If you notice your lowered libido lasting for months, then maybe seek out a professional. But if its only a couple weeks then I don't think it is anything to be too concerned about.
My libido has unfortunately been very low for over 6 months. I also think I have had a depression since before that. I also suffer from a lot anxiety including health anxiety that at times is almost crippling.
Sounds like you are in a state of mental distress. You should consider getting help in overcoming your anxiety and depression.
I can't see much evidence of gayness here...can't even see much evidence of bisexuality.....be easier on yourself and don't worry so much. Sounds like you are straight....just go with what feels right.
Hey, I know I'm late to the party but I felt the need to respond. I am not a psychiatrist (and everyone should be thankful for that, lol) but it sounds to me like you just desire good ole fashioned male bonding! I'm not sure where you're from but I know in America, it seems to me anyways, male bonding is a lacking thing in our culture because of the stigma or it being tied to being gay. It really hurts my heart that so many man have to forgo male bonding because our culture is so closed minded. My suggestion to you and you have to be careful, is to find a guy friend that you can be emotional with, someone you can bleed your heart out to without fear of them ridiculing you or on the other side of the coin, trying to have sex with you... because I don't think that's what you want. It may behoove to find a gay friend who is not sexually attracted to you that you can have that type of relationship because unfortunately, it is a rare thing to find a straight guy willing to have that type of relationship, not that they don't exist. It is very hard to struggle with emotions without a proper support system. I'd also suggest some therapy if you haven't already tried that because it does help. It's an unbiased opinion from someone listening to what you tell them which means you have to be 1000% honest. I hope this helps and I wish you the best!
