Confused . com

I am a 27 year old man who has been confused for most of his life - I am also one of those rare things at my age - a virgin, mainly to very low self esteem and also fear of intimacy stemming from my uncertainty as to my sexuality.

Basically I identify myself as straight - ever since I was a teenager I always identified myself as such. However ever since that time as well I have always felt an attraction to hairy men - it is purely sexual (I have never been emotionally attracted to a man in the sense I cannot imagine a relationship with a man) - but ever since I was a kid I had this obsession with hairy shoulders and back and chest. However I never really took it seriously - since I am also attracted sexually to women, though to a lesser degree.

When I was in my teens I suffered through extremely low self-esteem. So much so that I convinced myself that I could never feel attractive to a woman, and that I would bore them to death etc. etc. (now I see that as a load of bull, though I still have some low self-esteem). I was in a depression, probably, and didn't realise until the harm was done. As a result whenever I felt attraction towards a woman I felt myself saying "she won't like you - don't go for it" -fear of rejection. As the years passed, I've been asked out by women, but my first reaction was a deep sense of panic - I in effect was in a comfort zone of "nobody would really like me" - even though deep down I knew it was far from that.

Here however comes the weird part - from the age of 17 on I started exploring my sexual fantasy with hairy men on the internet, and I am hooked to gay porn. I very very rarely ever watch porn involving women - simply because I don't find it as sexually exciting (though I do find it so to a point). In the real world I very very rarely ever felt attracted to a hairy man - I am occasionally, but it feels very numbed down. To women, in real life, I feel an attraction, but I rarely ever get an erection. I think with women I need to be both emotionally attracted and touched (physically) by them to get an erection (I have made out with women when I was drunk and it felt entirely normal and great). As for glances at body parts: I find myself looking at women's breasts and figure, but I also find myself glancing at a man's hairy shoulder or back - both are sort of "equally" attractive to me on that "glancing" level. But once that happens I get reminded of my confusion and fall into a "shit I'm so confused" thought spiral.

The thing is this - every day (almost literally) I watch gay porn involving hairy men and masturbate to it. It feels great, but as soon as the orgasm is over it I feel ridiculous - I have grown to think of it as an addiction. But I cannot for the life of me feel I'd want anything with a man other than the sex. With a woman on the other hand I'm feeling sexually very immature (partly because I only felt ever kissed like 3 girls in my life), but emotionally and romantically they pull me in my life - I would love to have a wife and kids someday. I find myself looking at couples my age with kids, and I say "Damn I'd like that" on a deep, personal and emotional level.

You might ask - "Why don't you go out with women then?" Well besides the fact that the two women I've really had a crush left to the most distant of places on earth (literally - Fiji and DRC on UN missions anyone?) where internet is scant at best (so little chance of contact) - I feel that honesty is very important in any relationship - and I ask "How can I be a loving husband when a part of me wants to have sex with a hairy man?". I feel trapped - trapped in the sense that I can see no way out of this confusion. I think I've missed on two great relationships with women in my life - partly out of fear, but partly out of this utter confusion... that I'd have to sort of be dishonest with a woman to go out with her.

If I had a choice, I'd remove this fantasy I have of hairy men out of my mind, as it gives me nothing but frustration and disappointment in myself. But I can't seem to. On the other hand, I'd love to have a loving relationship with a woman, but I'd feel dishonest as I'm afraid she wouldn't understand.

What are your takes on this? I'm not sure if I believe in labels - perhaps I'm bi, or gay or straight - I don't know. I think I'm more on the bi side if I had to give myself a label, though when it comes to what I want in my life, I think I'd want to label myself "straight" as I'd love to have that kind of lifestyle and not stay in this limbo of sorts.

One other thing - I have quite a few gay couples as friends and I admire their love towards each other. However I also know that a gay relationship (other than the sex part) would never be something I'd look for at all - it feels very alien. On the other hand the straight couples I know - I look at that relationship, and know that it's what I want in my life (though sexually I may find it less exciting). That sort of sums up my confusion.

PS: Please do not give me "buck up and have sex" replies in a "bullying" way. I have enough of that in my life.. and it doesn't help!

Thanks!