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Unsure of my orientation. Lack of experience is making it worse.

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by BiPolarBear, Jul 29, 2013.

  1. BiPolarBear

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    Hi, I am a 17 year old who is confused and/or not sure about his sexuality. (PS: I lost my original post, will make a habit of copy pasting my stuff next time, dammit.)

    I suppose I will get right into it.

    I sexually fantasize about other guys all the time. It isn't just hormones, or a temporary arousal.
    When I masturbate I do it to pornographic photos of other guys, and without pornography... I think about guys I know and find attractive.
    There is no doubt in my mind that I am sexually attracted to the same sex. As far as my friends are concerned. I am a straight guy with a nonchalant & satirical sense of humor when it comes to other guys. (I will make the odd uncomfortable statement about another boy, "I'd blow him" "He's a handsome bastard" "I'd bang him" etc.) Maybe I am too confident in my ability to keep my sexuality a secret, as my friends have jokingly mentioned me being gay a few times, usually for comedic value. But I am 100% sure that no one thinks I am gay for sure.

    But just because I see a photo of a athletic boy shirtless or my best friend in his boxer briefs in a changing room and get aroused does not mean I am emotionally attracted.
    As far as I can tell, I am about 70% sure I have not had a crush on a person of the same sex. I can't recall a time when I saw another boy in a hallway and felt mushy inside, I haven't (I THINK) had a time when I imagined making out with another boy and finding it arousing or, enjoyable. Again, I emphasize just because I haven't experienced that does not mean I won't at a later date in time.

    Girls, that's a different story. I can walk around school with my friends like any other straight guy and see a girl or two that is hot, I can get aroused (unfortunately lol) like any other straight guy when he sees a good looking girl. I walk, talk, and act like any other heterosexual guy in my school/group of friends. But sexually speaking, being completely honest with myself, and recalling as much as I can. I definitely sexually fantasize about girls less than boys. Something I think is worth mentioning, is hetero pornography. I find myself avoiding pornography in which I find the male unattractive. I find myself watching pornography with an attractive guy, pornography in which the girl is attractive enough that I can ignore the guy, or pornography without the guy entirely (POV). Don't get me wrong I am aroused by the women, and I fantasize about girls all the time as well. Just, less so than a boy.

    What is different about girls than is with boys. Is that I have had somewhat an experience with girls. The most homosexual thing that has occurred in my life so far is stuff that is considered normal experimentation. Minus the time I asked a friend if I could give him a blowjob -_- (epic fail). I have not had a real girlfriend or boyfriend yet, hell I haven't even kissed a girl or a guy. But I have had a girl admit she likes me, I have had her friends and mine pressure me into asking her out. Why it did not work out/ I didn't feel like I meant asking her out is beyond me... Was it that I didn't like her from the beginning? (what I told her and tell my friends), or is it that I am gay and I cannot assume a relationship with a girl of an intimate nature? I mean I just got a snapchat from a friend at work. And... Her eyes, I just stared into them for as long as I could. I felt so mushy inside... I wish I still had the photo, I wish I could tell her how cute she was.

    I've never stared into a boys eyes and felt mushy, I've never had a guy tell me he likes me. I've never even had a guy take a second look at me in a hallway.

    I think what is driving me nuts, what is stopping me from telling that girl I thought her eyes we're the most beautiful I've ever seen, what's stopping me from asking a girl out and meaning it, what is stopping me from going out and looking for a guy who feels like I do, what is stopping me from coming out to friends/family.

    Is a lot of uncertainty.

    What if I tell that girl what I thought about her eyes, what if I say I like her, what if she likes me, what if I can't ask her out (from nervousness, or the possible fact I'm gay) what if I ask her out and things go bad, what if I can't kiss her, won't kiss her (same reasons, am I gay? Am I nervous?) What if I stop hanging out with her? What if I lead a girl on for the second time that has liked me because I cannot have a relationship with a girl or I am a freeze?

    What if I come out to friends- wait what the hell do I come out as? Bisexual? Gay? Straight? What if I'm not sure, what if I come out and I lose a friend? What if I come out and I lose no friends but EVERYTHING is awkward/changed from now on because I am not longer "straight or one of the guys" because they withhold gay jokes or slang because IT might offend me (it wont, infact, i hope they stay the same, they still make jokes many would consider offensive to LGBT when they are around me).

    What if I go looking for a Gay or bi guy my age? What if it turns out hes straight? What if it doesn't work out,. i can ask him out, I cant kiss him or don't want to. What if the same reasons that afflict a situation with a girl do destroy the same thing with a guy? I mean, how the hell do I even find a gay/bi guy my age... Anyone who identifies or has come out my age is to be quite honest embarrassing to me or completely unattractive.

    I am not ashamed or in denial of my sexuality. I , my family (I think), and my friends (I'm terrified to find out) would be completely okay, with me being not completely 100% heterosexual.

    My problem is lack of clarity, lack of experience, lack of certainty.

    (Sorry I went so ham in my post, if it helps I spaced things out and tried to make it organized ^^)
     
  2. Daleva

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    Hi, sorry I can't be of much help just thought I'd let you know I'm kind of in the same boat (if at th opposite end of the spectrum- girls not guys) - in that I am sexually attracted to girls, but have never had proper 'feelings' sort of thing.. I wonder if it's just because I've never had the oppurtunity to get intimate witha girl, as such.. Just nice to know someone'of the same age is in the same position.X
     
  3. KyleD

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    You sound bisexual with a preference for boys over girls.
     
  4. BiPolarBear

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    I'd have to agree with you sir. I think that is what i most likely am. But I will not label myself until I have a chance to have some more experience both ways. Weigh what I prefer etc. Just because I feel a certain way or prefer a certain type of pornography doesn't mean I'm definitively bi.

    So yah, I'm bi with a strogner preferance for guys.

    I'd like to mention the Kinsey scale for my situation. I know many people don't agree with it. LGBT and many doctors / researchers into sexuality. But I gotta say, For me personally I can see myself put my sexuality on that scale. Labels arn't working so well lol.