I'm back to being so confused. About 6 months ago I realized that I might be a lesbian. It did take awhile to accept but I became comfortable with the idea kind of quickly. I talked to a few friends who were all very supportive and I was really starting to feel comfortable in my own skin with this new part of me. But then I came home for the summer and my family accidentally found out. Things didn't go very well and we haven't talked about it since. (I have another post about this whole incident). Ever since then I've really begun to doubt myself. A lot. There are some days where I can 100% picture myself with a girlfriend but then others I think there's a slight possibility that I could be with a guy and still other days I just can't see any future. I've been "testing" myself (too much...) and I think I'm just exhausted at this point. I'm at the point where I can't see anyone in my future. I can't even picture a future in general. I still seem to get a little bubbly when I think about kissing a girl and feel little to nothing when I think about kissing a guy. I've only had a few guy friends in my life and have had 3 "crushes" when I was younger but I haven't felt any emotional attraction to a guy in years. I know that I'm more emotionally attracted to girls. That's certain. I think I might be more sexually attracted to them as well but I can't tell anymore. I don't know if what I am feeling is real or if I'm trying to cling to being a lesbian when I'm actually straight. I'm so scared that after coming so far with accepting myself and causing my family so much pain that this would have all been a lie. I can't tell if my bad "coming out" experience (if you can call it that) is making me fall way back into denial or if I'm just realizing that maybe I am straight after all. I know I should just go with the flow and fall for whoever I fall for (I'm pretty freaking sure that I'm crushing on a girl right now) but now that my family knows about this I feel a ton of pressure to have a label. I dunno, I guess if anyone has any advice or if anyone is going through a similar situation I would love to hear about it. I just feel very confused right now.
So many relatable feels in this post. I wish I could help you more, but I'm going through a very similar questioning process myself. When I was a bit younger (like, 11-12, I'm 16 now; not very old, I know), I became aware of my feelings towards girls. And I was pretty okay with it. I came out as bisexual and just let it go from there. My family couldn't care less, honestly, as long as I was happy with whoever I was with. I had crushes on two of my girl friends in grammar school, two in freshman year of high school, and there's a girl that I'm a little interested in now (but I don't know her, I saw her in the meeting for junior honors and had to keep myself from staring! :lol Most people could just tell I was bisexual or lesbian without me ever mentioning it. The "lesbian" label just kind of came to me after a while, and I felt pretty strongly about it. But now I'm not sure. I can't exactly say I've ever DEVELOPED feelings for guys (most of my crushes have been on girls, I can't recollect feelings for guys beyond best-friend/brother feelings), and that I am more-so curious than anything. I feel like I SHOULD date a guy to be absolutely sure I don't like them. However, I've yet to find a guy that I'm actually interested in, and I wouldn't go out with someone I didn't like. Would not be cool to hurt their feelings. I have had a former guy friend admit feelings for me twice, but I considered him my best friend and didn't really feel much beyond that. I have been with two girls though, which makes me feel like an anomaly, because I noticed many bisexuals/lesbians who aren't totally sure of their sexuality or aren't aware of it date guys first. I never did, I just rolled with the feelings. I can very much relate to your anxiety about having to go through the whole process and then it somehow turning into a "waste of time", and you're really not who you thought you were, because I feel that way now. I feel like I've just been lying to myself, my feelings were never legitimate, that I'm really straight but in denial, my feelings are just a phase, and many other annoying thoughts. You don't have to put a label on yourself (the most label-y I'm getting right now is "not-straight"). Anyone else who I've spoken to about this is pretty darn sure I am not 100% straight, that I'm as gay as a rainbow, and/or that I most definitely like girls. And yet I question it. I'll be okay with it in the evening one day, then questioning it by lunch-time the next day. Just know that you are not alone in all of this! I'm pretty sure the lovely folks here at EC will be able to help you out in some way, they're all very nice people. This questioning process is the exact reason why I joined this forum in the first place. gosh this post is long.
would it make you more comfortable to tell yourself that you are simply bi? Even bi people don't need to feel "50 to 50percent". They may be attracted more to one gender. There is not just straight or gay. Or straight, gay or bi. There is a lot of shadows inbetween Don't let others doubt you and give yourself time and explore your feelings.
Thank you so much for your response! It's relieving to see someone else going through the same thing that I am. For me, I can't be 100% sure if I had any real crushes on girls when I was younger (I'm 20 now) because at the time I didn't think for a second that I could be gay. (I grew up very sheltered and didn't even know being gay was a thing for a long time...I didn't even know liking a guy (or girl) was a thing until my friends told me about their crushes). I do know that there were certain girls that I just really wanted to be friends with and who I wanted to be around but I don't think I ever felt that way with any of the few guys that I had "crushes" on. Heck, in middle school I would forget that I had a "crush" for weeks and all of a sudden be like, "Wait, I'm supposed to like him." I feel like all the signs point to me being gay and even my best friend says she can totally see it but, like you said, I still question it. Even now when I've had possibly my first real, long-lasting, crush on this girl I still question everything. But before I just keep rambling on about all of this I just want to thank you again! This is such a confusing process... ---------- Post added 29th Jul 2013 at 02:33 PM ---------- @Nick07 I have definitely thought about saying that I'm bi, but something has been holding me back from saying that. I don't know what though...I guess I'm just not sure if my family will understand that. I feel like if I tell them that I'm bi they'll just think, "Oh, then she'll just end up with a guy and everything will be fine" but I don't know if that's going to happen...
well, I kind of thought you could tell that to yourself, to not struggle with Am I lying to myself? It could give you a bit peace of mind to know that having doubts is ok *hug*
Yeah, Nick07 is right. Doubts are normal... They just suck a lot! And there's also a lot of shades of gray with sexuality, but it's relatively annoying to deal with. Even most people who are bisexual are not 50/50, some are 30/70, 20/80, 60/40... Yet I feel that makes life so much more complicated. I've wondered if I'm bi, and I've considered that being a possibility, but I'm still not sure. It sucks when you're pretty secure in yourself and then you go back to the first step of the "grieving" process. However, I'm confident you'll figure things out and that, hopefully, I will too! Things do sort themselves out eventually, so just keep your head held high.
Oh, I'm sorry! I misread what you were saying! You're right, sometimes I have to remind myself that doubting is ok and normal. *accepts hug* Thank you both so much. (*hug*) This is just so frustrating and draining...but I will do my best to not let the doubt bring me down. I'll think more about the whole "bi" possibility as well. I often forget that it's not always 50/50 and it does make me feel a lot better to remind myself of that. Thanks again, this whole site is really such an amazing place! (&&&)
