Getting comfortable with a label

It's about the label fitting you, not the other way around. Really, when we come down to it, accepting our sexuality is just one part of accepting ourselves, and this is something most young people struggle with: identity, finding our place in the world. I guess a part of it might be a lack of positive associations with the label, to the point where you can feel proud, say the word, and not feel ashamed. Exposure with lesbians and lesbian-related events, materials, and resources wouldn't hurt at all.

Are you able to say it, even to yourself? If you haven't admitted it to yourself yet, that would be a start. True, it's one of the most difficult stages, but a necessary one to moving forward. If "I like girls" works for you, stick with it. There's really no rushing these types of things... for some people it takes days, others, years. Do keep in mind that you are still you, there are too many people who make a complete 180 after coming out, becoming "someone else", just to show how comfortable they've become with their orientation.

For starters, you're moving past the questioning stage, are becoming more sure that the lesbian label fits you better than the others. It's just a matter of letting that idea settle in, and seeing what it means for you. A bit of gentle prodding might be needed, but you *are* on your way.

 

Perhaps giving the task at hand a break for a while would be a better idea? A lot of people say the "answer" comes to them when they least expect it, like a clap of thunder, and they're able to accept and find peace with that answer for many years to come. These are individuals who have been questioning, denying, or repressing their sexual desires up until that point, and when "it" happens, there's no turning back.

To use an analogy, we sometimes come across a tough homework question or problem, spending hours trying to work through it, becoming more frustrated when we don't find closure right then and there. So we take a walk, watch television, maybe go for a snack, or take a power nap, when the solution magically comes to us. Or if it doesn't, when we return, we're in a better state of mind to find that solution.

Yes, it's a risk, and yes, you might switch labels several times before you're satisfied, and there's nothing wrong with that at all. You're not obligated to follow some "lesbian rulebook" and to please others. Unlike your sex, ethnicity, or hair color, we actually have control over how we identify, and which parts of our sexuality we choose to acknowledge.

If it brings you any comfort at all, I'm still not sure where I fall on the scale, but don't care, either. I know I want to be in a relationship with a guy and experience all the things straight couples do. Everything else is background noise, honestly. What matters is that I'm at peace with my same-sex attractions; labels can disappear for all I care. It took a long time and a lot of energy to get here, more so because friends, family members, and even strangers took priority, thought I was just confused, which only made *me* more confused. At some point, we have to "let go" and just follow our hearts, as cheesy as that sounds.

After all, who else is going to make these choices for us? And who else is going to have to live with them?

 

Well, some people would say MY doubts were signs of denial, but of what, I still can't say. There was quite a bit of homophobia I had to work through first, so I had to tell myself it was okay if I was gay, that I owed myself the chance to be honest with myself and explore this new world. I even tried the label, came out to my friends and family as questioning, and became more comfortable around all things gay.

There were fears that I might fall on the straight side of the spectrum, which a lot of people still think I am, so I had to tell myself that even if I were, that it was also okay - straight people question and experiment all the time, and it doesn't make them any less straight. If this were the case, how can getting an in-depth look into LGBT culture be something bad? I consider myself a part of it, and definitely a supporter and an ally.

Then... bisexuality. A few people suggested this, but I've always had the most trouble accepting it, because let's face it: we're practically invisible and definitely don't have the *fabulous* stereotypes and visibility gay men enjoy. Society likes to think in terms of dualities. It fits best; I feel sexual attraction towards men and women, women more so, yet lately, when it comes to romance and seeing myself with a long-term partner, it's men. Androgynous and feminine men, but men nonetheless. There's a lot of grey area between the extremes, and I like how bisexual communities have a more open-mind to these things... it's also a chance to educate strictly gay and straight communities on just diverse sexuality and experiences of self-identified bisexuals is. I don't regret anything, including my two relationships with women; I felt love, I experienced fantastic sex. Who is to say it can't happen again? And who is to say it can't happen with another man?

Basically, I started seeing my doubts as real possibilities, then questioned my own fears and rationalized them until they made little to no sense. Suppose, by chance, you are on the straighter end of the spectrum... does that mean you are less worthy of love and support, even from the LGBT community? Are you not questioning right now? I'll say it again: you have to learn to accept yourself, no matter what you are, before accepting a label. You'll have to figure out what part it plays in your life, even if it's a small part of our overall identities.

These doubts have as much power as you give them. There's an entire world out there, and honestly, when I thought about it, saw just how much thought I was giving to something so miniscule in the greater scheme of things.

 

Well, yes and no. Again, you're not trying to fit the mold of the label, but choosing a label when you're ready, and sure it fits YOU. What "lesbian" means to one woman might be radically different than what it means for you, likewise your experiences, preferences, and situations. To use another analogy, suppose there's a girl you want to ask out, but you have all these fears and doubts. Well, until you make the move, you'll never know the outcome - she might reject you on the spot, and that's never fun, but it's not the end of the world. There are other fish in the sea.

Likewise, if you feel lesbian "fits" right here and now, you feel a strong draw to the label and the "definition", I'd also encourage you to try it out and see where it leads. It's not always easy to admit, but it does get better. Some might disagree with me here, but I think more than accuracy, you're searching for peace. Forget others for a moment, because honestly, you'll never find true happiness if you try to meet others expectations. How many straight people insisted I was just confused and how many gay men were convinced I was really gay and in-denial? Imagine if I tried pleasing them, gave into their demands, and went against what felt right to me. I'd still be a wreck.

Yes, let go of the doubts. Very few things in life are guaranteed, all you can do is steer your ship the best you can and try to take care of yourself. If you're not ready to close that door yet, then don't. Personally, I've always liked skittles, heh.