So I'm probs gay... why's it still hard for me to accept?

Well shoot. Ok here's my whole backstory:

I identified as straight til I was 24. For the past several months I've been identifying as bi/pan/queer, but I am now kinda doubting that.

I had moments of panic when I was younger, but kept repressing everything. Even after a couple dare-kisses with girls. Throughout high school and college, I generally felt really unexcited by dates with guys. I enjoyed physical stuff generally and had some crushes here or there, but as soon as a guy would like me back I would decide I didn't like him anymore and run off.

Anyways I decided finally to stop pursuing guys, and enjoy being single... and just like that I realized I had feelings for a girl. It was exciting at first, and then I sank into depression. I never had a spontaneous crush like that before; prior, I would think a whole lot about a guy before deciding to like him.

I told my friends and some family know; but most people were shocked, which made me question everything all over again. Was this all in my head because I couldn't find a guy I really liked to date?

Realizing I'm queer has helped me let go of a lot of stuff: pressure to have long feminine hair and wear skirts and dresses and not dress too tomboy and talk about boys... it was like I was a caricature of my feminine side. Now I can dress however I want, and I'm exhibiting a real preference for tomboy styles.

I still go back and forth, some days thinking I'm gay some days thinking I'm straight. Even though I liked dating guys in the past, I still never totally enjoyed it. And now that I can date girls, it's all I want to date. But why is it so hard for me to accept being potentially gay? What's holding me back? The label itself doesn't matter, but being bisexual gives me some kind of an "out" for potentially marrying a guy and living a completely "normal" heterosexual lifestyle if I want it someday, whereas being gay doesn't allow for that possibility. And because I came out so late, part of me worries that I'm making this all up and that I might be straight; which would suck, because I like being queer.

It's not that I've rejected the bisexual/pansexual label entirely, but somehow it doesn't feel right to me; I feel like I have a clear preference, but it's not clear yet.

But if I like it so much, why is it still so hard for me to get past it?

 

Yeah I know it's not an out and some people are genuinely bisexual, but I don't know if that applies to me anymore. Just because I can be turned on with a guy doesn't mean I want to date/sleep with guys, I guess. I just don't want to fall back on bisexuality because it's more flexible.

 

Memyself, haha one of the dare kisses I had was when two guys wanted me and my friend to kiss and they promised to kiss after... but they didnt! It's really a shame.

Anyways yea labels don't matter, but what does matter is that I fully accept myself, and sometimes labels might hold me back. My point was that if I identify as bi but am really gay, I'm just doing it for the option of being with a guy. Sometimes when I come out to a friend I tell them i like girls but then follow up with "But I still like dating guys" and I don't know why... to what, reassure my friends that I'm not gay? Because they don't care. I'm the one that cares at the end of the day, and when I say statements like that and they feel wrong, I feel like I'm still in denial even as I'm coming out as something else. Does that make sense? Oh who knows. It also makes it easier to deal with the people who are like "but you always seemed so straight to me! You were so into guys!" and i'm like well... yea... i don't know what to say.

That being said, I posted this after a date with a girl. My experiences with girls have been awesome thus far, even though i haven't really had a girlfriend perse I have dated around and I feel like I can see myself with a girl much more than I can see myself with a guy in the future.

There was a really long time, while I was "straight", that I felt like I wasn't capable of love and that I would never be in love and it's all fiction... but turns out that maybe I can't connect romantically with guys on a level above platonic. And so now I'm starting to believe in love I guess.

Soooo long story short labels don't matter, except that they have made it both easier and harder for me to accept myself. I guess the best I can do is just not call myself bisexual.

 

Thanks guys for all your advice, this is gonna take some good ole fashioned thinking. Or rather, antithinking. I'm gonna meditate on this and see what comes up. Actually, when I first started meditating due to general stress and lack of perspective, that was when I opened myself to the possibility and found myself face to face with my repressed sexuality.

hilltophouse glad you can relate! some people have said that i'm not really gay because of those past experiences, which in the moment were enjoyable. It's hard to explain to people. I think I need to not get so hung up on the explaining part.