Sexually confused. Considering trying dating women. Scared and freaked out.

I'm a 30 year old woman who has suffered from depression on and off for the past ten years. I had my worst episode earlier this year in which I felt suicidal. I am now having therapy (again) and feeling a bit better. I've been making some good decisions about things and I feel life is progressing a little easier, things are perhaps falling into place a bit more, mainly to do with my career.

One of my 'problems' however has been my 'inability' or whatever you want to call it to find a man I really fancy, want to date and have a relationship with. I've been single for 5 years now and I've dated about 11 different men I've met through online dating or friends. I only fancied one of them who turned out to be a bad egg (just after sex, v disrespectful) and only got intimate with another one of them. Weirdly, the guy I got intimate with I am pretty sure he's gay and doesn't realise it yet. I just felt SO comfortable chatting to him, unlike all the other dates with the other men which were awkward, dull, unenjoyable and exhausting, I could relax with him. It was all very odd how we ended up in bed being intimate since he was so camp and I didn't really fancy him, but I was very turned on when we were fooling around and wanted to have sex with him (but felt it was too soon). After that, I couldn't get over his campness and worried he'd one day come out as gay so I ended it, we were both very sad and then I got into the very bad depressive episode.

Now that I'm a little better, it got me to thinking about dating again. The thing is, the thought of going on more dates with more boring men I don't fancy in the slightest makes me feel very down and 'ugh.' I would much rather stay at home and hang out with my cat, or see my friends, watch a film etc. I do, however, want to find someone eventually, want to have a partner, and enjoy intimacy again.

The reason I'm here is because I....this is hard to admit.....I wonder if I have been suppressing my sexuality somewhat for many years. When I was 15 I remember having this terrible few weeks where I kept thinking I was a lesbian for no apparent reason. It upset me so much as I was and still am very feminine, and always identified as straight. I told my mum and she reassured me saying it was a stage etc. I forgot about it until it happened again when I was at university aged 21. Sudden 'oh god what if I'm a lesbian' horror thoughts re-emerged. I remember at the time feeling there was no way on earth I could experiment by dating women because my friends were so conservative and the whole idea made me feel 'yuck' and like the time before, I felt totally distraught and horrified by my thoughts.

Since then every few years I get the same random thoughts. I often think women are beautiful, much more beautiful than most men, but don't usually think of it as a sexual attraction, more of an admiration? I also want to look like those beautiful women and have always had long hair, kept in shape, worn makeup etc. I'd hate to look butch and masculine (no offense to anyone here, its just I love the feeling of being feminine).

I have had same sex fantasies, but also opposite sex fantasies. I've never had sex with a woman and I'm not sure if I'd like to or not, I feel very confused, but I partly wonder if I just can't admit it to myself because of my own fears and prejudices? During sex with men, I get really turned on during foreplay, but never orgasm with them. I dumped my last boyfriend as I just didn't fancy him, I remember when I first saw his body I felt so disappointed but stayed with him for over a year because I knew he was a good man and hoped things would improve. I did have one boyfriend who was absolutely gorgeous, I really fancied him and loved being intimate with him, but emotionally he was childish and mean and it didn't last. I seem to be extremely picky with men, finding most of them in my city not that attractive if I'm honest. I find foreign men abroad much hotter but in my experiences they have been untrustworthy and not good partners. I find with men my fantasies often involve them dominating me, a bit bdsm-ish rather than lovey dovey romantic stuff lol.

Another thing is, for my whole life, I've noticed I've often felt very uncomfortable whenever there would be lesbian storylines on tv, or if I met a lesbian in real life I'd feel weird about it. I remember almost having a panic attack once when I was watching the episode of sex and the city where Samantha has a lesbian relationship. I was watching it with a group of female friends and felt soooooooooooo uncomfortable it was terrible, and I worried they'd notice my discomfort. Still now I'd hate to watch a lesbian couple on tv in front of other people. I'd be fine watching it by myself (and be quite curious about it too) but watching it with others would make me blush and cringe massively. Although I hate watching any sort of sex in front of others too, it all makes me feel awkward.

I think I've also always had this fear that lesbians are big butch dykes and I don't find that attractive nor do I want to look like that, which has added to my confusion. I also always thought I'd marry a man and have children one day. I'm really not sure I want to be gay and have a female partner, I've always been pretty grossed out by the thought of it and loved being 'normal.' My school was not very accepting of diversity, things are a lot better now.

I've mostly always just thought 'I haven't met the right man yet' but I do partly wonder if maybe I'm not actually straight, and I have repressed a gay or bi orientation under years of fears, phobias and prejudices?

I'm very confused right now and not feeling comfortable about any of this. However, I have been very ill with depression so I'm trying to be fully open and honest with myself to make sure I can be as true to myself as possible. The thought of being bi or gay terrifies me, not to mention going on dates with women, and telling my friends and family.

Any advice would be welcome. Thanks,
La Coquette

 

Thanks for your reply @wanderinggirl it was very kind and you pointed out some important things for me to think about.

I think I have been focusing on the sex side of things rather than the love side of things. I've just seen on your thread you wrote about feeling like you didn't feel capable of love when you were dating men. I think I feel like that too. I enjoy the physical side with men but the emotional side is usually lacking for me. I have met some lovely, kind, good men but I always get this terrible feeling of guilt and sadness whenever I'm in a relationship with a man knowing I have to end it but never being sure why. I then end it, feel miserable for months before the cycle continues. I never, until today, thought it was because I might actually be gay, I always just thought I had intimacy issues or hadn't met the right man. I think I don't think about love much because love with men has never worked out for me and it has been incredibly painful. And I think I never truly considered how I could be gay before because I was, and mostly still am, totally uncomfortable with it as a reality.

I have so much to think about, it's all a bit crazy. I have ignored these worries for so long, suppressed them very well, but if I am gay or bi (which to be honest, I think I'm at least bi all things considered) I don't want to shut myself in the closet for another ten years and cause myself any more unnecessary pain. I have been able to close these feelings down and deny them for a very long time but I partly feel I've come to the end of the line with it now. I suppose my age, or my ongoing depression, and the way I'm still single are all making me question if I am really a regular straight woman or somebody entirely different.

Thanks for your advice and wishing you good luck with your journey of self discovery too.