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I could use some help from those who know it best!

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by anon12, Aug 2, 2013.

  1. anon12

    anon12 Guest

    this is a long one...if you have the time or care, give it a read and let me know where you think i am at orientation/emotional wise. because i am lost. its long because i want you to really see my entire story as a whole and not just base judgment off one experience..

    ok folks..i am identifying as a straight male but for the past 2 and a half months, ive been in a weird funk, so to speak. all of my 22 years of existence, i have been extremely attracted to chicks. id fantasize about kissing, hugging, sex, dating, marry and growing old together. everything about girls just gave me such wonderful and happy feelings. hell, even when i would be turned down by a girl or found out she didnt like me, id throw on some van morrison and fantasize about what could have been and start to become happy again.

    my issue always (and still is) rejection. I got rejected a lot in middle school, in high school and in college. my first real heart break came in the 8th grade when i met a girl who transferred to my school. we spoke online all the time which then moved to texting (when AIM wasnt cool anymore) this girl had it all. I mean she was the whole package. she was smart, funny and incredibly sexy. i really felt something for her. i was incredibly attracted to her. but like i said, i was friend zoned and was rejected upon asking her "out" not once, not twice but three times and then a fourth time towards the end of high school. i remember the heart break i had for weeks when i found out she not only didnt like me the same way i liked her, but liked another guy (a good friend of mine) Literally went into a depression you could say. ive had half serious girlfriends. by that i mean 4th 5th and 6th grade puppy love stuff. but i have never had a "serious" relationship. In high school, i fantasized about girls, girls and more girls. never once had a thought about a guy. no crushes on guys. but like i mentioned, rejection in middle school and high school just completely killed my confidence. add to that my short stature, severe acne and an embarrassing incident in which the entire high school thought i shit my pants in class, i was always very anxious around girls. always afraid to make the first move. but i knew i wanted them. i never doubted that. i never once felt like i was forcing myself to like girls just because thats what society deemed right. a wife and kids actually felt "right." so because of my lack of confidence and just absolutely awkwardness around women, i masterbated a lot and by a lot, i mean easily 2 times a day, sometimes 3 and on rare occasions when i was really lusting women, 4-5. pornography was always straight and lesbian porn. i remember on one occasion, i accidentally hit a tranny video and started watching and tried to enjoy but it was just to weird for me. i think i also remember just out of curiosity what a gay video looked like and was really weirded out by it. so i just happily got off to kim kardashians sex tape (sorry if your reading this kim) paris hiltons and all other types of straight and lesbihonest pornography. still no girlfriend. i mentioned my confidence was extremely low with women but as a student, i actually wasnt too bad. by that i mean, i was funny, energetic. i was a class clown, so to speak. people liked me. i enjoyed being the guy who could make people smile and laugh. but with women, i was a complete goofus. got my first kiss at 18 years old with an incredibly attractive girl. i really liked this girl. but was sort of in an awkward position because she was cheating on her boyfriend with me and all i could keep thinking was "if she cheated her boyfriend for you, she'll cheat on someone else while with you" add to that the fact that i was a senior in HS with jut about 2 months left and she was a sophomore, why try and start something that would prob not work out. graduated high school, made out with a few girls but still had not lost my virginity, which for me was big. all my friends were talking about how much poon they were slamming and i was just like "yeah man, poon" went to senior week and finally got some action. did just about everything but sex with this one girl and loved it. i felt like a boss. it was great. i went to college with more confidence then ever.

    then i went to college and ... the zits and pimples on my face broke out like NEVER before. i had welts, my face was always red as all hell and at some points, i would be bleeding. i obsessed about my acne. literally looked up anythin and everything that might help or take it away. so just as my confidence and self esteem was on the rise, it plummeted. plus i gained weight ( like 30 lbs.) it took about 2 years to finally rid my face of acne and drop the weight but it happened. last summer (2012) i started talking to a girl i knew from high school. i had a crush on her then (was rejected by her) but we started texting again and met up a few times. (we both go to the same college) i met up with her one friday night and started drinking with her. we left her house to go to a party and she grabbed my hand and started holding it. guys, the feelings i got from that was incredible. im embarrassed to say, but i actually got a boner walking down the street while holding her hand. i remember having to adjust my pants discretely. we continued to talk through the summer, went to movies and stuff and lunch but i just could not make a move. i was SOOOOO nervous and shy that i could not do it. i remember watching TED in theaters with her and thinking to myself "hold her hand " or "put your arm around her you idiot" but i just couldnt. what if she pulled away? or walked out of the theater? i thought this girl was going to be the one. she was everything i ever wanted. i wanted to call her mine. but as ive come to realize, girls dont wait forever for a guy to make a move, so she stopped talking to me.

    start of my junior year of college. the girl of my dreams moves on and im 21 and still a virgin. but by some miracle, i was able to seal the deal. i unfortunately had to settle for less than i wanted, per say. meaning i met a girl who i knew i could hook up with. she wasn't really that great looking but i liked her body. so whatever, i went for it and i did. it was awesome. we had sex 3 times that night and once in the morning (before i went to class(!)) i felt great and the experience was great. it was awkward because it was my first time and i was trying to play it off like i had been there before. she was a virgin too. did i wish it could have been this girl from my high school ? yes. after that, i started worrying she was going to get pregnant. i started freaking out. my friends were laughing, calling me paranoid. she even said she was on birth control but for whatever reason i was like "what if one of my guys got past the birth control and shes preggo??" we did it with a conny all but once. i really had nothing to worry about, but the fear and panic was still there. we hooked up 1 more time after that, but she just wasnt my type for a relationship.

    i met another girl at the bar a month later. (i know right? look at me. the ladies man) we hooked up and we did it. once again, felt great but through most of it, i had to imagine it was a hotter girl. she just wasnt that great looking but she had some tig ol' bitties. whats not to love about that? i remember leaving her apartment the next morning and doing the jump kick in the middle of the road. but i could tell she really wanted more, as in a relationship but i was not feelin her like that. plus i heard she was kinda crazy. so i split from that real quick.

    january 2013..started talking to a girl i knew from work. she was 2 years younger than me and was also in my little brothers grade. (which was kind of a turn off..didnt really want to be with girls my brother went to school with. i always thought he would think i was a loser for doing that.) i thought she was pretty cute. i thought about it and thought maybe i could date her. she was def cuter than the other girls i've gotten with but idk, she was 4 years younger than me and an acquaintance of my little brothers. it was a little weird for me. but i really wanted a girlfriend. i felt like my family was wondering. i still hadn't really brought a girlfriend. my grandparents would ask if i had a girlfriend yet and for the last 10 years, the answer was also NO. always, we hooked up at a party and it was great. i remember having sex with her for about 30 seconds and after she told me she was not on BC and i was not wearing a c-dome, it needed to stop. i left, jerked it, went to bed. woke up the next morning (hungover) as all hell, had to go to work and then i had to work with her. me and her were literally paired together for the night. it was kind of awkward ill be honest. it was like "hey, remember how last night, we were both hammered and you blew me in your car?" and plus i had this nagging feeling she was going to get pregnant. i mean, i didn't c*m, but ive heard horror stories where it can still happen. i freaked out about that for 2-3 weeks. i was terrified she was going to be pregnant. overall, her attraction level just went down big time. i certainly couldnt think of her as a girlfriend anymore. the whole awkwardness at work thing, the pregnancy scare (which really wasnt anything, i just made this up in my head) i guess it sort of changed my entire view of her. maybe a hookup, but nothing more. even though i knew she wanted more.

    went back to school, really started feeling something for a girl i had met through a group project. she was someone whom i really enjoyed. she was really smart. (i dont consider myself a brainiac so i normally like girls that are smart.) she was also incredibly attractive. she was perfect. i started putting my charm on her, felt like things were going places and then BAM..found out she had a boyfriend. soooo things came to a halt.

    (!)---heres where im lost --- (!)

    march 2013.. i was on spring break. my license was suspended because was smoking weed whilst driving. i was car less. no body was home at my house. i was all alone. i smoked a lot of weed. woke up, blazed. ate food, blazed. watched the cosby show, blazed. a week prior, i texted the girl from january 2013 about hanging out. i guess i was just looking for a hookup. i asked her to a movie but real crazy about going out with her. she picked me up, we watched the movie...not really crazy about watching a movie with her, together. idk, my intial feelings were that she was an awkward girl. she came back to my house and we smoked in my basement. i smoked 2 bowls and i was torched. i mean i was lit. so it came to the point where i figured i needed to make a move. i went up stairs, got a bottle of water and took a deep breath. i had done this with her before but for whatever reason, tonight was different. i was really high and was off. we started making out. i pretty much jumped on top of her. it was not a sly move. i felt myself breathing heavily on her. i sometimes was opening my eyes and looking at her. she tv was blasting some basketball game, the lights in my basement were on..it was a weird mess. it was awkward..incredibly awkward. it didnt feel right. i felt like she wasnt into it. (she was also very high) which in turn made me not really that into it. this lasted for about 20 minutes, until she decided she was going to leave....AND THEN IT HIT ME...Why was I not into it? Why did it not feel right? Why were things so awkward? Did this mean I was gay ? and ever since then i have been in an on and off paranoia state and questioning of who i am. i always enjoyed hooking up with girls. granted, i wish they were hotter and more attractive than they were. My initial thought was that we were both very high. ive never been able to talk to a girl whilst high and hooking up with one...forget it. plus, with everything that happened before this (the pregnancy scare, the awkwardness at work) it just seemed like this was the logical answer....but what if that wasnt the case??? what if i was gay? the question lingered in my head. i did some research online and found out about intrusive thoughts. i figured this was it. i did even more checking and decided "Ok, ill watch some gay porn and see..." wasnt turned on at all so i turned it off. and it was at that moment when it all went away. i was comfortable again.

    may 2013...i was literally one the cusp of having my first real girlfriend. it was another girl from work. she said she wanted to "talk." this girl was someone i could see myself dating. the day after she told me she wanted to talk, she told a co-worker that she just said that to me to make me happy. she didnt actually want to. i heard this and was pretty hurt. damn i could not find a women and this girl did a pretty lowsy thing. before this, i enjoyed texting her. i got excited when i saw her name on my phone but this sort of sent me into a depression. girls just continued to to beat me down. I was continuing the weed smoking. And i heard the song "Careless Whisper" by George Michael. I thought this name sounded familiar so i looked on the wikipedia page for him to see if i knew him and i saw that he was gay. It said that he was sexually intimate with women but knew he was emotionally attracted to guys. I remember being high and once i read that, i freaked. What if that was the cause for my problem with the girl over spring break? It was just lingering there. I started shaking, panicking. I had a final in the following days so i was somewhat stressed over that. I thought I was going to have my first girlfriend and that blew up in my face. I was just an anxiety mess.

    And now here I am..Still in a state of paranoia, 2 months later. I look at guys when I am in public to see if I feel anything for them. I do not. I cannot see myself emotionally attached to a guy nor can i see myself sexually attached to a guy. I have never had a crush on a guy or felt an attraction to a guy. I can notice when a guy is good looking or know he is an attractive individual but I do not want to be with a man in that way. If i see a guy who I think looks good, my mind seems to jump on that. I once got physically close to a co-worker (we were in a tight spot and our heads were nearly touching) and I had this image of kissing him. I was freakout and I backed away. Its like..Ive felt so confident in my sexuality for 22 years of my life. And then a bad hookup comes and I just cant shake a nagging feeling. I know you folks aren't to fond of HOCD and find it a denial technique. Ive looked it up and it gave me relief for a little but it all came back. While I don't think I have severe OCD, I would most definitely say I have anxiety. Never have been diagnosed with it but I can say there have been many points in my life where I have found myself worrying. I've checked with gay porn many times to see if I can feel anything and I don't. I don't get aroused and I never got an erection. I've tried to imagine myself with a guy and its just not there. My even bigger worry is that my attraction to women has sort of gone down. I know the attraction was there. But with this whole bout of depression and anxiety, that has all but left me. Now, thats not to say, my attraction for men has gone up..because it hasnt. I feel asexual somedays and when I find relief, heterosexual. But homosexual has never "fit."

    Any and all help or advice would be appreciated!!
     
  2. anon12

    anon12 Guest

    little help folks
     
  3. Unsure201338

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    Maybe you are just curious? It is always ok to ask yourself the questions or even fantasize (like the thing with kissing the guy), but never actually act on anything. Ultimately the question to ask yourself is - what kind of person are you attracted to. When you answer that, regardless of anxiety or stress, you have your answer I think.
     
  4. anon12

    anon12 Guest

    the answer to that is women. sexually, I desire them. I could see myself in a romantic relationship with a women. and when I think about being intimate with a man as well as being in a relationship with a man, I can't. I force myself to think about these situations everyday but each time, it's always a no.

    but the anxiety and stress is still there..your saying that's ok ?
     
  5. Unsure201338

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    Yep, I think it's ok. Part of what a lot of people go through regarding sexual orientation or identity, regardless of where they end up.
     
  6. InactiveUser1

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    I got an idea but u might freak out. soo that is a an idea based on actions not words

    why dont u try to hook up with a guy ? and actualy do something ? like being TOP not botom and try some gay sex actions THEN what u feel is what u are..

    but careful dont think ur gay if u just get kinda hard the penis has its own brain kinda separated from the main soo it might get hard . and if u DO enjoy it then u might be Bisexual

    sorry if i kinda freaked u out . but in the end u might be giving tooo much atention to this matter u seem kinda the extreme emotion full guy and over thinking something wont make it better or clear sometimes .. soo some thoughts might atrophy .. and an atrophied thought is what messed u up i think .
     
  7. LD579

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    Nothing I've read indicates that you're even slightly interested in guys. Instead, it seems as though you've had one or a few mediocre or odd experiences with women and that has shaken your not-so-high confidence anyways. I think you're working yourself up about this. I don't think you have OCD (Disclaimer: I cannot diagnose and am not a professional and online diagnoses are inherently flawed), either. It could just be your anxiety issues plus some sexuality questioning.

    With that said, again, you say you're not into guys either physically/sexually or emotionally/romantically. It doesn't matter if you can admire a guy or wish your body was like his. Many guys can do that, but it doesn't mean they like guys in that kind of way.

    You say calling yourself homosexual doesn't fit or feel right. Then don't call yourself that =) You really just sound... straight to me. I think you might benefit from hearing that.

    Also, I don't think you should hook up with another guy. It would seem to perhaps maybe exacerbate the problem, and would not seem to help anyways.
     
  8. InactiveUser1

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    1 another idea
    apparently it seems like you have been having sexual hookups just for the heck of it, with women you didnt find *that* atractive. Its perfectly normal to loose interest in sex after bad experiances such as rejection from yer early years that spook like a ghost in yer subconcious and also from non forfilling sexual experiances from yer recent past. its perfectly normal. and whatever your sexual orientation is, jsut relax and let time pass

    and there will come a person that will totally rock yer boat and get that sexual tension right back up again

    dont worry be happy :slight_smile:
     
  9. dfiant

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    I think you need to work on your self esteem and your confidence. You have taken a few knocks over the years and it is 100% OK to question everything.

    I normally say to people that question their sexuality and want to know either way 'Trust your gut, you are the only one who knows.', but in your instance there is absolutely no glitter or rainbows...you are straight, you just have poor self esteem the you must over come in return to boost you confidence.

    It is not a weakness to reach out and ask for help, it is a strength to reach out and ask for help, and there is no shame in perhaps finding a counsellor to help you over come your poor self esteem.

    all the best :wink:
     
  10. anon12

    anon12 Guest

    damn son, thank you, this helped me. (at least for now)
    it certainly benefits to hear from someone who identifies as gay that my story and issues don't sound like a closet case but rather a more anxiety issue case, which I've always thought this to be.

    since mid may, constant checking and reassuring has been a daily occurrence. I've ruined holidays, vacations, and racked up my cell phones data charges, trying to sneak someplace quiet where i could read things online. (some which spiked me, some which did not and reassured me)

    like i said, i have tried to call myself gay. i even came out to myself and said. "ok man, your gay." it didn't work. it didn't fit. i can't really describe it but it was like a jarring feeling. but i then would say to myself, "well your just not accepting it yet. your not coming to terms with it."

    ive read denial posts and "signs of denial" posts on here and i can't relate to most of them. they were a few were a member mentioned "oh yeah, i just kept telling myself i was straight" or "yeah, i just thought it was a phase." or "yeah i felt love before with a women so i cant be gay." the last one in particular got to me. because i believe, although i was never in a relationship with these women, that i felt love for them. by that i mean, looking forward to waking up and texting them, hoping you can make plans with them, going to dinner with them, maybe watching a movie with them and ultimately wanting MORE with them. i feel as though i have had that with 3 women in my life. my crushes i had in high school were similar, but i did not become extremely close to some of them so the feelings didn't run as deep. but with at least 3 of them, we become pretty close and i felt something, even if they didnt.

    Sectisun, you mentioned that some bad experiences sexually can sort of disinterest one from sex. I gotta believe this is my issue and maybe where my interest in women has fallen. I havent done anything with a women since my Spring Break 2013 incident. I am almost afraid to. What if it happens again ? Maybe in that sense, I am blocking myself from anything with a women because I am subcontiously fearing what may or may not happen.

    Unsure & Luthan, I do appreciate your words. My question is, where do I go from here? It stands to reason that my fears are illegitimate. Yes, its questioning but thats ok, and theres nothing wrong with that - but why can't I move on from this. Maybe I need to find a girl? Maybe I need to wait for the right one? I sometimes worry that if i push myself into a relationship just for the sake of a relationship, its going to back fire on me. Like I said, its been a daily reassurance battle.

    Thanks guys, seriously, your all good people!!

    ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2013 at 06:20 PM ----------

    for a long time, i was afraid to ask for help, fearing my story would confirm that im something i am not. you guys really are helping me. thank you!
     
  11. anon12

    anon12 Guest

    hey guys. Thanks again for the reply the other day to my post. it helped me a lot.
    I was wondering if I could ask you some more questions about some stuff I've been going through. you mentioned in your response that it seems like it's a confidence thing that I am going through. I've always had low self esteem and confidence so this really does make sense. but what I'd like to know is this:

    I mentioned in my post about the work incident where I had this image of kissing a coworker. I can't really call it a fantasy as to me, a fantasy would be something I PURPOSLEY thought up and enjoyed it. this,I did not and was freaked out and backed away. it was almost like a fleeting thought that sort of stuck and I analyzed. the issue is, everytime I see that co-worker now, I get nervous and uncomfortable. because it brings me back to that moment when that happened and it freaks me out. plus with daily questioning, it's gotten a little worse.

    do you think this could be me over analyzing a situation and freaking myself out. I've tried to ask myself if I "like" this person. he's cool but like I said, I can't see a sexual or emotional relationship with this person. yet the uncomfortableness leaves me questioning and in a constant state of anxiety.

    what are your thoughts ?
     
  12. dfiant

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    To you, what is a kiss symbolic of?

    Sometimes these sorts of things need to have the literal meaning removed and a symbolic meaning added.

    Do you respect this person? Do you think this person is open and honest? Do you trust this person?

    I don't think there is really much to the image/dream...they are often no more than symbolic of our thoughts and feelings.
     
  13. AwesomGaytheist

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    First of all, don't ever say the word "tranny" out here, as that can be really, really offensive to our trans friends on this site.

    I think you're curious and you're questioning. Don't identify as anything other than a sexual being, and if you feel it's right, then go ahead and have a few experiences with the same sex to see if you like it.
     
  14. HEREIAM2

    HEREIAM2 Guest

    Listen....you are 100% straight....there is not one once of evidence here of any attraction to guys.....there are some people on this forum who are actually somewhat destructive in a rather typical gay way (they need to justify there own homosexuality with fantasies that ALL men are really gay)...so a guy (you) gets on here, gives all the evidence on the planet that he LOVES women and makes it clear that he NO attraction for men AT ALL.....and absurdly start with their "maybe you are a little bi" or "give a guy a try" nonsense.....on what basis???? You made your preferences clear. What you have is OCD and a rather common HETEROSEXUAL fear that you might be gay...basically a compulsive disorder......if you start trying homo-sex (as much as that sort of thing might suit some of the bottoms here who would do anything to have a straight boy give it to them)to prove to yourself you are not gay, well that is self-destructive behaviour.....so calm down, seek help for your acne and get a psychologist and start building the confidence to meet women with success.
     
    #14 HEREIAM2, Aug 3, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 3, 2013
  15. anon12

    anon12 Guest

    this co-worker had just helped me pick out some good weight loss supplements as well as advice on how to eat better when this all happened. we played basketball that day. he's also just a good, trustworthy individual. so maybe this was just a sudden burst of emotion, although something I could never act on.

    I have to believe that I am in some sort of homosexual anxiety phase. maybe it's hocd, maybe it's just me blowing everything out of proportion. I'm 22 and sometimes think that Maybe I'm just going through puberty late or my hormones are catching up to me. but I also know that I know I started puberty around the age of 14 and with no hint of an attraction to men then growing up, it wouldn't seem plausible now.

    also, last night I was at a party. this girl who I know was very drunk and I could tell she wanted to hook up. she pulled me into the basement and we started Hooking up. she blew me and then we had sex in which I finished in a solid 2 minutes flat. her body was attractive but once again, another girl who I didn't really feel anything for and that scared me because my head starts playing games with me like "you don't really wanna be doing this." or "you would rather this be a guy." and it's like "NO! I do not want this to be a guy." in some ways, it took me out of the mood. because its like I can't escape it, even when I'm with a girl.