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confused female - nice to meet you :D

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Dryad, Aug 1, 2013.

  1. Dryad

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    It's so nice to meet you all! :icon_bigg

    I am close to 18 years old, female, and I've been questioning my sexual orientation from times to times, since i was a little child. Then, I was a tomboy (well, sometimes I still act "boyish" and question very much the traditional gender roles, but that's another long story :lol:slight_smile: and I didn't really care about the gender of my friends or have any crushes.

    Growing up a little bit (final years of elementary school), I thought homosexuality is unnatural or even imposible to happen. I mostly had male crushes, but I had a couple of female ones, too, which I tried to suppress. I remember always being attracted to some girls, but I got so confused when this happened, that I didn't have the courage to approach them or even fully accept my feelings to myself. In conclusion, I'm usually romantically attracted to boys, but there are some girls I like, too.

    About two years ago, I got a boyfriend. He is really cute, I like spending time with him, talking, cuddling, even kissing. However, he can't turn me on. I experiment sexually with him, or I try to engage to some sexual activity to please him, but I can hardly get any pleasure from that. Moreover, I don't like how male genitals look, nor the idea of having heterosexual sex.

    So, one day, he asked me about my erotic fantasies, and I suddenly realised that, even when masturbating, I didn't have any. I tried imagining me having sex with him or other guys, but that didn't have any effect on me. I would rather imagine other girls touching themselves. About a month ago, I was travelling with a group of friends while one of the girls cuddled me to sleep and I felt somewhat nervous, a butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling. The next night, I dreamed of having sex with her and it was so nice I had an orgasm in my sleep.

    Since then, I have many homosexual fantasies and I can imagine myself having a relationship with a girl as well. I look at girls and think that if I was more open to the possibility, I would notice their appealing characteristics more often and even make a move with the girls I was attracted to in the past. I continue to be attracted much more often to boys in a "romantic" way, though.

    I'm very confused. I keep thinking this over and over and can't seem to reach to a straight conclusion. Some days I feel straight, some days I think I'm bi or pansexual, even lesbian. I know I shouldn't rush myself to "decide" a certain sexual orientation, but I feel lost. I told my open-minded mother that I was not sure about it and she said that it might be just a phase, but it may not as well, as I she could remember that I was worried about liking girls since I was little.

    I'm sorry for writing such a long post. :eusa_doh: That was relieving. :lol:

    Soooo, what do you think?
     
  2. rusteejay

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    Its really difficult to make these kind of decisions really. I always ask myself why we have to. I believe it's because society tells us to decide where our place should be. Granted, it doesn't lack freedom, it's not a yes or no question. However it is more on a scale of 1-10 where we choose. I think being bisexual is rather flexible, yet it confuses us. I myself want to just make my mind up and get on with but I can't. I guess you're in a similar position to me. I just want to get with a guy and I believe that will answer a lot of questions. Maybe you should do the same with a girl and see how you feel. There's no answer to these questions and they can be soul-destroying when it comes down to the 'nitty-gritty' decisions of whom to settle down with.

    This doesn't answer you're questions, but I hope it can contribute to your decision! Best of luck :slight_smile:
     
  3. wanderinggirl

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    I was going to say that maybe you're asexual until you brought up the dream where you had an orgasm in your sleep.

    Bisexuality is always an option. For some people it's easy to tell in the abstract and for others they need physical experience, so maybe trying to undo this mental not from afar is more confusing than anything else.
     
  4. Dryad

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    rusteejay: Yes, I thought that bisexuality is about liking males and females equally, simple as that. In fact, it's much, much more complicated... Sometimes I wish I could just pick a certain, straight or gay orientation. I agree that getting with a girl could explain a lot to me, but I can't; i told my boyfriend I want to experiment and he got jealous, i can't blame him for that one :lol:

    wanderinggirl: I thought i might be asexual, too, before i started masturbating, last year. The english:/ language is not my thing, i can't understand your last sentence, i'm sorry
     
  5. unknown17050

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    Well, Asexuals need to masturbate too, Asexual is a state of mind, meaning you want sex, having a libido and wanting sex are two different things.
     
  6. Dryad

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    Maybe I would consider myself asexual if I hadn't have the dreams and the fantasies.

    Also, I should mention that the boys I like are a bit on the "feminine" side. Sometimes I worry that the person I'm attracted to is gay. Traditionally hot guys don't appeal to me. I pay attention to the face and the personality, not the body. I'm attracted to boys in a romantic,not really sexual way. My romantic feelings can be intense, but I don't feel an urge to have sex with a boy.
    The girls I like don't have to be "masculine" either. Usually, however, they have a "warm", outspoken attitude that is mostly found in "tomboys". They are a much more rare kind of person. (Not that I have many crushes - except from a phase in junior high school, when I desperately wanted to have a relationship like everyone else did, but that doesn't really count, I guess.) But the female body turns me on.

    So, I think I'm bisexual or lesbian. But I don't like the label, it just doesn't feel right for me. The straight label feels more familiar and safe. But I can't be straight, at least not completely.
    Also, I took this test:
    Klein Sexual Orientation Grid - Online Quiz - Young Southampton and scored a 2,3 to 2,5 in the Kinsey scale, which practically makes me bi with a tendency to like boys more. I don't think that a single - dimentional scale can fit me, though.
    Sometimes I actually like the idea of being bisexual. Some others I feel scared and even have panic attacks. I keep thinking to myself that I'm just going through a phase, even finding excuses to escape from my not-so-fulfilling relationship, and soon I'll go back to my straight self. What "straight self"? I've been liking some girls since childhood, damn!
    Anyway. I hope I don't sound too crazy.
     
  7. Dryad

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    So. I'll try (once again) to put the pieces together. Like talking to myself. :confused: I'm sorry for bringing up the same issues, it just helps me to think over and over.

    1) All my life I've been romantically attracted to boys and some tomboys, while not sexually attracted to anyone. (Kinsey 1,5-2) I was not really comfortable with having female crushes. Felt guilty and "not normal".
    2) For the past months, while being in a relationship with a boy to whom I'm romantically but not sexually attracted, I've been fantasizing about girls and realise that maybe I can as well see myself in a relationship with one. I think it has to be someone special, though.
    3) I think it it may be just a phase. My orientation is a mess, and I can't label myself in no way. Thinking again, though, I realise it's always been a mess and I've always been questioning or worrying.
    4) Maybe I should experiment. But I am in a relationship with a boy (I've talked with him and he didn't take me seriously :bang:slight_smile: and I have no idea how to approach girls, either.
    5) Last night a friend of mine made fun of me for not being "feminine enough", as I don't shave my legs or wear any make-up, I dress in a more "free" way and lately I want to pierce my lower lip. I know it doesn't have a direct connection with my orientation issue, but I've never been a "girly girl". My boyfriend says that I "think like a boy", too.
     
  8. wanderinggirl

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    Nedussa, sorry about my unclear wording. What I meant was that there are people who can determine their sexual orientation through thinking and feeling on their own; and others who can only determine their sexual orientation through being with other people and trying different things until something feels right. I've tried in the past to reason things out by brute force in my head, but wound up confusing myself. It was only through experience that I could really tell. Just do what you feel comfortable with.

    As for (5), screw your friend. Wear what you want, however unfeminine it may be. But this doesn't mean you're gay; only you can know who you're attracted to.
     
  9. spockbach

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    I so understand. I've had quite similar experiences, although I tend to be more romantically attracted to girls than to boys. But a big thing for me was that I don't like male genitalia and could not get turned on. I think you should accept these feelings for what they are, and acknowledge you're queer and somewhere between bi and gay. Which of course you've already done, but realizing that it's a part of you and settling into that idea - as I am still doing! - can be a huge leap forward and enormous comfort.
     
  10. Dryad

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    I didn't believe that determining one's orientation could be that difficult. I thought that people know if they are straight, bi or gay since childhood and that's it. :confused: But yes, maybe I'm one of those who need to try a few different things to fully understand themselves. :rolle:

    Yeap. I am definitely not straight, as I can be attracted to girls and I'm not gay as I can be attracted to boys. I think it's more of a personality issue for me. I'm attracted more to personality than gender... But... Ok, so for now, let's say I'm bi.
    I told two female friends about my thoughts (being the "eccentric one" of the group has its benefits, as I can talk relatively openly without surprising others too much :lol:slight_smile: and they said that they couldn't help, as they always knew they were straight and there was never a doubt about it. One of them was afraid I might hit on her. :lol: So, I understood I differ from them, somehow...
    But, my main problem wasn't labeling myself, but understanding my tendencies.
    Time and experience will show. :slight_smile:

    But, I can't flirt with girls. Most are straight and it will be awkward. And my friends will be pissed off. :confused: That's another issue... :eusa_doh: And I don't necessarily need to flirt, I want to at least meet people around my age with similar concerns. :icon_redf
    I've heard that wearing a rainbow bracelet is a common sign that you are queer, but in my hometown I don't think that will help... :icon_redf Thinking again, I doubt there are any gay people here. I live in quite a homophobic, traditional society. :***:
     
  11. spockbach

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    Oh god, I totally understand. I would love to flirt with girls, but I feel like every last one is straight. I keep crushing on straight girls. PAIN