I know I've been asking the same kind of questions on here recently, but I was reading something before and wondered whether my life had made me feel like this and I'm actually heterosexual. Long-story short, me and my Dad have always had major differences. We have never seen eye to eye. He used to beat me as a child and as I've gotten older I just seek his approval instead. I'm wondering whether all this has been about rebelling (subconsciously) or whether I'm over-analysing. Another thing is that I feel I may have narcissistic tendencies. I like to look at myself naked. At one point I was on this gay-dating thing and I'd take pictures of myself in pornographic positions. It turned me on. Then again I've had relations with another guy who is straight (so he says). Also, when I was about 8-9 years old I did a few things with another boy about the same age (so I wasn't sexually abused) and I was wondering whether that had anything to do with it. I've always had feelings that I wanted to have sex with another male. I've always struggled with girls and had messed up relationships including one girl attempting suicide, another claiming she was pregnant with my child and one I never wanted to get with, yet I craved the attention so stayed in touch just to hear how much she liked me. Regarding men, I've never been overly attracted to them but I've had crushes. I denied it to myself, but in high school I always had a thing for my best friend. We would always do stupid things and get in trouble together. I had fantasies about him sometimes. I'd say that as I've gotten older my thoughts of having sexual relations with another man have increased and become more regular than those of women. Yet I'm confused as to whether all the above just means I have psychological problems... Any thoughts?
I don't think it'd be a psychological reaction. Maybe what you've gone through has influenced the way you view and approach sex, but I don't see why it'd make you attracted to guys the way it seems you are.
I guess it's easy to look at things and assume they're the reason. We're all too quick to do this in a race for reason and destiny.
I have spent so many hours questioning myself like this over being trans, so it's a little different than your situation. But I have decided that the questioning and doubting significantly got in the way of my happiness, and to move on I needed to allow and accept the possibility. I still question but right now I think, all of the reasons that could be clouding my mind, are likely influences that shape who I am now. No, I can't just throw away these feelings, thoughts and desires. They're part of me. Maybe those things in the past planted seeds that grew into this. But what has grown is real, not just a figment of my mind. Some would call it a weed or a sickness and try to cure me. But I have found that transitioning, being around supportive people, and embracing my inner self is a lot easier than fighting and beating myself up for another ten years. Do I want to be trans (and therefore go from being straight, to gay, very suddenly at 23 years of age)? It wasn't in my plans and I would much rather be cis. But i'd much rather be a cis male which paradoxically cements me as being trans. If you don't want to be gay, I completely understand. But I think the reasons for not wanting to be gay are rooted in the behavior and attitude of others and unease with how you will be treated in the future, not because a man loving another man is wrong or bad, or you cannot picture happiness in a relationship with a man. It's hard but I think allowing yourself to try out being gay, knowing you can push it away if it ever starts to feel really wrong, may help you find happiness.
I also thought my psychological and traumatic experiences led me to being bi. whether it is true or not, i am unsure.
Hi RusteeJay, Well, since you were beat by your father, maybe you should see a therapist. Regardless of your sexual orientation. If you are happy with men, date them, if with women, date them. If you are seeking to fill in the gap of love where your father should've loved you, you are the only one who can do that, by loving yourself. If that is what you think is the case, try to love yourself unconditionally. Then date whoever you want.
That doesn't affect your orientation, that's just a lie from conservatives to make it sound like a mental problem that just needs to be fixed, but it really can't be changed. It is what it is and always has been.
Madeleine - I think to some extent you are right, or would be. I've patched things up with him a lot over the last couple of years. We still don't see eye to eye but that's life... Now when I think about it, he doesn't bother me anymore. The last time I felt pure rage and hatred towards him was long ago so I think maybe that was holding me back, now we get along better I feel I can move on with this stuff cuz I've always felt like this. 2112 - hmmm... Interesting you should say that. I'm very political as far as it goes and despise conservative schools of thought... I think you're onto something there. It is more of a biological thing I feel, yet I don't like to just say no to something and not consider it... I think too much instead of just feeling. I rely on my intellect and logic rather than raw emotions... It was only today I realised what kind of guys I like. Which is strange cuz I they have similar looks to my dad... They always say though guys go for someone like their mother (my dad definitely did) and girls go for someone like their father (not so much, my dads a lot like my mum's mum which smashes that theory... Though she is quite like her father anyway). So I'll assume that if I am definitely gay, it must work the other way around. As you can tell here, my parents play a massive role in my life and have really played a massive part in who I am today... It's not till we're older that we realise we are a reflection of those who raised us.
