1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Am I going crazy?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by ijustdontknow, Aug 6, 2013.

  1. ijustdontknow

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2013
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    I think I may be crazy, or at least may be going crazy. If you would have told me a few months ago that I would be posting on a site like this, questioning my sexual orientation, I would have told you that, "You are the crazy one." And yet, here I am.

    I'm a male. Early 20s. I am attracted to women. I have only really thought of women in a sexual way. I don't find myself attracted to men. I have never really thought of men in a sexual way. Except for one guy.

    I have a friend, let's call him 'John', that has been my best friend since grade school. I grew up in an abusive environment. John was always there for me. Because he was always there for me, I loved him. I always thought I loved him in a friendly or brotherly way though.

    Early teen years, I experimented sexually with John. Mutual masturbation and oral sex. It happened somewhat frequently, lasted about a year. He is the one that initiated it. It was enjoyable to me, but was always just really a curious experimentation. When I look back, he always tried to take it a bit further. He wanted to incorporate some anal stimulation, which I was never interested in and told him so. He wanted to kiss me, but I never wanted that.

    Eventually, I stopped the whole scenario and got a girlfriend. I had a very meaningful, long term relationship with her. John then came out as gay. John was angry with me, and now that I look back on it I realize that he had feelings for me. He told people we did stuff together, but I denied it. He even went as far as specifically going to my girlfriend and talking to her about us, which I denied to her further. It's not that I was particularly ashamed of what we did, I just live in a very conservative area - and it was just a lot easier to deny the whole situation. I wasn't sexually interested in him, I was just young and horny and I was just getting off. I was very sexually interested in girls (especially my girlfriend), so I didn't really see a problem.

    We weren't as close after that. We'd see each other in class. We'd occasionally hang out in a group, but never just the two of us. I was mad at him for telling people, because he had promised me he wouldn't. I didn't realize at the time that he liked me... that the situation hurt him too. I felt like I was the victim in the scenario, not him.

    One day while still in high school, I had a big family problem... and realized I had no one. John was always the one I would turn to, and we didn't really hang out any more. But it was bad... so I called him. It was so nice to see him, to talk to him. I told him about my problems, he just hugged me while I cried and poured my soul out to him about what was going on in my life. We ended up kind of cuddling. It wasn't sexual in any way... And yet, it felt amazing. It just felt so good to hold him in my arms. I could feel the love I had for him. Stronger than friendship... stronger than the love you would feel for a brother... but not sexual at all either. I didn't know what it was, but I needed him...

    So we did that for awhile... when I had an explosive family problem, or when he had problems, we'd just cuddle and comfort each other. Nothing sexual ever happened. It was just purely blissful to have my arms around him, to feel his around me. I knew then I loved him, but still wasn't sure exactly HOW I loved him. As cathartic and innocent as these experiences were for me, he wanted more. He tried to kiss me once, but it just honestly wasn't what I wanted. We had an argument about it... and we both realized we couldn't do it any more.

    Years went by. I had girlfriends, he had strings of meaningless sexual encounters. We graduated high school. Went off to separate colleges, though not too far away. We'd text or talk on Facebook occasionally, nothing of substance though. I always missed him. I always wanted him back in my life. But there was just this distance between us that we couldn't quite overcome.

    I went to his college town to visit some friends and we both ended up at the same party. We drank alcohol. We talked about how it was so nice to see each other again, how we should keep in touch more...

    At the end of the night, when we were both very intoxicated, we were sleeping in the same room. Him on the couch, me on the floor. We just sat and talked for a while. That was always our thing, staying up late at night talking about anything and everything for hours. Then he attempted to start talking about our history... put his hand on my chest and started rubbing... so I took his hand off and changed the subject.

    He ended up leaving and walking to a friend's house after I fell asleep shortly after. When I woke up in the middle of the night, I realized he wasn't there and texted him, asking where he was and if he was ok. We met up and walked around campus.

    That was the first time we ever really talked about us... about our history... Years had passed. I always just pretended it never happened. He just never brought it up again. We just went year after year, never addressing the tension between us.

    All these years, I had felt like I was the only one hurt by what happened. He broke my trust, told people about us. But while talking to him, I realized that he was hurt just as badly as I was. He liked me... I had rejected him (albeit unknowingly) time and time again. What was harmless experimentation to me was a meaningful experience to him.

    I felt like crap. I had been blinded by selfishness all these years... I apologized. He apologized. I told him I just really wanted him back in my life again, but as a friend. He agreed.

    We started talking more. It was nice to be friends with him again.

    One day, I was in his town and went over to watch a TV show we both loved that had a new episode. A lot of crazy stuff had been happening in my life, but I kept it bottled up. No one ever noticed that under the placid surface of the facade that I presented to the world that that I was deeply hurt and disturbed. But he noticed right away.

    He tried to find out what was wrong. I told him nothing. We watched our show, had a great time, but he persisted. I ended up once again baring my soul to him, ended up cuddling with him again. We mutually agreed to. We said it would just be this one last time. I enjoyed it. He kind of tried to advance things to a sexual level, but I told him that's not what I wanted. We were just lying in bed, talking for hours. He wanted me to stay all night with him, but I told him I had to go. He got sad, so we compromised and I waited until he fell asleep. Then I left, and we didn't talk much for awhile.

    Months later, he was about to leave on an abroad trip for the entire summer. I set up a time for us to hang out at my house before he left. We talked, played games, everything was great. But when it was time to go to bed, once again we ended up cuddling again. My intention was to just lie in bed with him for a bit to do our traditional deep, philosophical conversation thing and then go sleep on my couch. But somehow he was irresistible in a way I couldn't explain.

    This time, we really got in to talking about us. He told me he has liked me for years, and reminded me that he tried to kiss me one time and I wouldn't let him. I told him that I loved him. That I loved him mentally, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically - but not sexually. He said that he wanted a relationship with me. I told him I would love one, but I would never be enough for him because I didn't really want to have sex with him, but would be happy just cuddling with him for the rest of my life, and I was definitely not interested in anything anal related or otherwise. He said he would be happy just doing the stuff we did in high school. He attempted to initiate sexual contact with me and I told him no. He asked me to just kiss him, because that was something he had always wanted so badly but I never did... Once again, I told him no, that it wasn't what I wanted. So we just cuddled all night. In the morning, I hugged him and he left.

    Soon after that, love started consuming me. My love for him is all I ever thought about. But he was gone for the summer, with very limited access to his phone. I realized that I am totally in love with him. I was confused, because I have never felt this way about any other man. During his absence, I realized that I really want to kiss him. After more absence and soul reflecting I realized that pure love like I was feeling was rare. Why not embrace it? Haven't I always believed that sex should follow love, not that love should follow sex. I realized that maybe I wasn't completely against the idea of resuming our old experimentation practices if we started a serious, long term relationship. Because this time, it would be different. It wouldn't be just casual experimentation, it would be a loving, sexual experience with someone that I 100% deeply care about.

    I've tried contacting him over the summer, but I haven't heard anything back. Granted, he has very, VERY limited access to his phone. But I know that he's seen the Facebook messages I sent him, telling him we need to talk. And I know that he's had the opportunity to call me, but hasn't. So now I'm afraid that I've finally pushed him too far away, now that I am actually interested in him romantically.

    He comes back in a couple of weeks, and I really don't know what to do.
    On one hand, I love him. I could see myself being with him happily for literally the rest of my life, getting married one day, having kids with him. I know that my love for him is true and pure. Even though I can now see myself having sexual encounters with him, it's an extension of the strong feelings I have for him, not necessarily in itself.

    But there are also so many hurdles:
    1. I know I'm not gay. I don't think there's anything wrong with being gay, but I just know in my heart that I'm not attracted to men, and that John is the only guy I'll ever feel this way about. I don't even necessarily feel bisexual, because it is really just him and only him. So if I pursue a relationship with him, it will completely change the way the world looks at me, which I'm okay with. But I worry, if things don't work out, what then? Unfortunately, the world is homo- and bi-phobic. I'm afraid that after having one serious relationship with a guy, everyone I meet will just assume I'm gay. Which I'm okay with. Except if things don't work out, I will only be interested in women. I'm afraid that future prospective girlfriends will have a problem that I dated a guy, and assume I'm just trying to cover up the fact that I am gay by getting a girlfriend, and will therefore not be interested in me romantically.
    2. Several of my close relatives are homophobic, and would probably cut off all ties with me.
    3. Maybe I ruined any chance I have with John because I have been so stupid in the past, not realizing how I feel about him until it is too late.
    4. From what I hear, John is a pretty promiscuous guy, and has an affinity for cheating on his partners. I on the other hand am a serial monogamist, who only has any sexual contact with someone after months of dating, and have not / would not ever cheat on anyone. I feel like I can look past the fact that he has waaay more sexual experience than I do, and that he has cheated before. But I worry about me. I'd like to think that what we have would be real, that he would be satisfied on all levels with our relationship and would never cheat on me. But I also know I'll want to go slow. I know he'll be ready to just take off sexually, and I won't be. I mean honestly, I never EVER thought I would have another sexual encounter again with a male, besides what I had with him. So regardless of the fact that I've done stuff with him before, it will still be all new and scary to me... And I know that he's into anal sex, and I don't know if I'd ever feel comfortable
    bringing that into the relationship... Could he possibly just one day be like "Well, all the stuff we are doing was fun for awhile, but I really just need more."
    5. What if I wake up one day and realize that I just really like girls and it was just a curiosity thing or that I wanted what I couldn't have? I honestly 100% do not even see that as an option, because I'm head over heels in love with John. But still... I would not be able to live with myself if I ever hurt him again.

    I apologize that this is probably the longest post in the entire world. I know that when I was younger, heck, even just a few months ago I was insensitive and a jerk to him. It took him being gone for me to realize just how much he meant to me... I literally feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know what I'm going to do when he gets back, and he'll be back soon now... I just... I really need to talk to someone about this. I have no one in my life that I can talk to. I wish I did. So instead, I am throwing myself into the mercy of your guys' wisdom and compassion. Any advice or perspective would be much appreciated. Thank you...
     
  2. Doshyboi

    Doshyboi Guest

    Well there is a term for what you two have and that is soul mates. You don't and by no means should presume a sexual relationship with him. It's just the way you are made. You'll just hurt him even more if he thinks he can swim in you're warm love and then when you find yourself falling for a girl he'll get hypothermia!
    You don't wana break harts. He needs the fix his hart strings too and get on track and find himself a guy. FORWARDS PEOPLE not back plz. I'm sure that he can compromise and be you best friend ever! You can't go against how you were made. UNLESS it what you can know what is right and know can make it happen.
    As far as I can see he's just another part of you.
     
  3. chuckzero

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 19, 2013
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NY
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hey man. This site is here to help, so welcome! And, no. You aren't going crazy. There are a lot of really great threads about people in similar situations, and they have been really helpful for me. I would suggest taking a look around and reading a bit. There is a wealth of help already available.

    That being said, what you're going through is something a lot of us here have been through. There are also a lot of us that have been on your friend's end of the situation, and hearing some stories about what he is going through could also be a good start.

    What you feel for your friend is so incredibly lucky and beautiful. That kind of a connection is rare, and when you have that with someone it can be scary, even for male/female relationships. When you throw in the face that your feelings are for another guy that is an incredibly different, but equally beautiful thing.

    It sounds like you really are soul mates. But, I would caution that you not run into it haphazardly. John is probably ready and has been ready for years to have you as a boyfriend, have sexual relations and be open about your relationship with others. They key is probably just to be as honest as you possibly can with him when he gets back, and move slowly. If he really does care about you, he will respect your needs. And, it seems like he has done a pretty good job of that in the past, considering how he feels and the circumstances.


    For a lot of people, its incredibly hard to even acknowledge feelings for someone that doesn't align with how they identify themselves, so that is a huge step, and you deserve congratulations for staying true to yourself in the face of such uncertainty and confusion. But the real answer you're looking for isn't one that I, or anyone else on here can give you. You are the only one that can decide what you want, what you need, and what will make you happy.

    As for other people, if you live your life being afraid of what people might think, you're not really living are you? If you live like that, you're letting other people define who you are, and it sounds like you'd be missing out on something that could potentially be the most meaningful, rich relationship in your life. Are you willing to sacrifice that so that you can live up to other peoples (and perhaps your) arbitrary and discriminatory expectations?

    Things to think about. You'll be fine, if your honest with him, and yourself.
     
  4. rusteejay

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    74
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cheshire, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    That was an amazing story! Thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I also really feel for you. I think I'm probably a bit of a John cuz I've had the exact same experience with a lad but he won't accept it either. I reckon he has feelings for me really. Thing is, I don't want to see him st the moment, especially since I came out. I'm afraid I'll make a move on him. Thing is, even though John has been off with you, I think with a bit of time and effort he'll come back. He obviously loves you too, so I wouldn't worry about him being promiscuous. That's probably because he's trying to forget about you. That's probably the reason he went away for so long. Don't be surprised if he doesn't want you back when he returns. Like I said though, time and effort! It all sounds like a romance movie!! :slight_smile: best of luck! Just follow your heart and don't worry about hurting him. He's a big boy now so he'll be prepared for all that (or should be).
     
  5. lowkey

    lowkey Guest

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2013
    Messages:
    343
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Long Island, NY
    Gender:
    Male
    My friend is too outgoing.. I think theres a line of outgoing and partywhore outgoing


    That's how he is, I can't help that my body says he's just not captivating all my attention. A few years ago maybe, but I didn't know I was possibly bi
     
  6. unknown17050

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 13, 2013
    Messages:
    464
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Girls are given alot of leeway when it comes to sexual orientation and whatnot; they are apparently "ALLOWED" by society to fall in love with a few of their friends and STILL be considered straight apparently. However, if a man happens to find he has affections for another man; he is labeled by society as a CLOSETED HOMOSEXUAL!

    The thing about that is, Mean are just as capable as women when it comes to having ROMANTIC feelings towards other men, it's just a matter of them owning up to it and society accepting it just as much as it accepts women doing it. So basically, no; you don't have to pursue anything with him, but don't be afraid to at least acknowledge your feelings.
     
  7. wanderinggirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    I think your friend just needs some time away. Give him some space and hopefully he comes back into your life. But if something was holding you back and it didn't feel right to you, I don't know that jumping into a relationship with him would be the healthiest thing.
     
  8. rusteejay

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2013
    Messages:
    74
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Cheshire, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    I think you just need to speak to the guy. You're merely being impatient at the moment. Come back on here after you've spoken to him. At the moment it's a case of you worrying. Find something else to occupy your mind. Alcohol is always a fantastic solution I find! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  9. ijustdontknow

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2013
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Thanks for your response. Now that you used the term, I would agree we are probably soul mates. I've been consciously trying the 'just be his best friend' thing for almost a year now, and probably subconsciously for years. But I am just so consumed with love for him, I don't think I can do it any more. He is literally all I ever think about... I honestly feel as though I love him so much I could make it work with him, despite my predominant attraction to women. Even though I never pay attention to any other guys in a romantic way, when I see him I can't help but think he is extremely attractive, and what a beautiful soul he has. If I knew he loved me as deeply as I love him, I would have no problem being with him, no matter what anyone else in the world thinks.

    ---------- Post added 6th Aug 2013 at 05:42 PM ----------

    Thank you for your encouraging sentiments. I will definitely take your advice and look up threads that will help show me his perspective in the situation. Right now, my plan is to have a conversation with him when he gets back next week, and starting it by saying: "We need to have a very serious, very honest discussion about us," and then telling him everything.

    For too long I've let the fear of loving him and what people may think stop me from expressing my true feeling for him. I feel stupid, because I have been looking for true love for years, and it has literally been right under my nose the whole time. But you are right, I definitely shouldn't miss out on the possibility of an amazing relationship just because I'm afraid...

    ---------- Post added 6th Aug 2013 at 05:54 PM ----------

    I'm so sorry you've been in John's situation. I don't know if it will mean much, but I apologize for what your friend has put you through. I know it wasn't me who specifically put you in the situation. But coming from someone in the reverse role, I can tell you I now see the pain that I have caused over the years, and wouldn't want that to be inflicted on anyone. I have felt rejected and tortured for just the past 3.5 months while he's been gone and hasn't made the effort to contact me, so I can't imagine how hard it must feel to feel those horrible emotions for years... But he'll be returning next week, so luckily I'll be able to address the situation soon. Thank you so much for the advice, hearing your perspective was very helpful.
     
  10. ijustdontknow

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 3, 2013
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    I've noticed the huge double standard as well. It is very unfortunate. I think we, as a society, should focus less on labels and preconceived notions, and just be happy happy for individuals that find love. I never thought this way before, but now that I find myself in this situation, I now 100% believe and realize that sexuality is very personal and fluid, not the strict and rigid set that we are made to believe it is from a young age.

    ---------- Post added 6th Aug 2013 at 06:07 PM ----------

    I am impatient. He will be back in the area as early as 5 days from now. I plan on letting him initiate contact with me first, so that he has space and doesn't feel any pressure from me. But after I talk to him, I will certainly keep everyone informed of the outcome on here.