1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

confused as **** ... i'm a girl btw

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by davaa, Aug 4, 2013.

  1. davaa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2012
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    As long as i could remember i've been mesmerized by beautiful women. and not in the way like "damn why can't i be pretty like her" (though i do think that sometimes, not gonna lie) but in the way that "i just have to get close to her/ i just have to be her friend". i didn't really think much of it though. i thought everyone had feelings like that. i'd catch myself staring at girls, and even to their woohoos :eusa_doh: if they sat with their legs opened. i even remember in the 9th grade when i would stand at my homeroom's doorway just so i could stare and wave at this pretty indian girl that would always pass. i just wanted to be close to her and be friends.

    i grew up in a place where homosexuality was shunned. like really shunned. you can even die here for that. so like i had gotten close to guys in hopes of having them as my boyfriend, but i can't remember if i actually liked them for them or if it was just because they liked me first and/or i wanted a boyfriend because everyone had one and i never did. to this day, though, i've never had one.

    however in the last year of high school i met a girl and had all these feelings i never had before. it was like one day i was trying to get with this guy and LITERALLY the next i met her and it was like "what guy ?" and ever since then i've been with three girls (in a relationship).

    I recently got out of a relationship (like 4 months ago) with someone i can say i truly love (a girl, obv) and well lately i've been having this feeling that i'm gonna end up with a guy -_- like you don't know how much i needed to get that off my chest. like i love girls and all but i do get attracted to guys. as in i can see an attractive guy and be like damn ! like come one, you have to admit that Avan Jogia is really hot lesbian or not lol but like anyway this has been bothering me so i came here.

    so recently something in my head says "how do you know that you don't like guys if you've never been with one" then something else says "how do straight people know they don't like the same sex if they've never been with them" and it's all so much anxiety and stuff

    and i know someone will say i should experiment but it's the case where even thinking of being with a guy makes me feel uncomfortable :/ i don't even know how to explain that. and like penis makes me ... even more uncomfortable and scared ? like penis and sperm and semen just creeps me out. i don't even know why cuz it's not like anything happened when i was younger or all. i had a pretty good childhood from what i remember.

    but i do get attracted to guys. and not in the way where i'm like my god i want to be with him but like wow he's hot i want him to like me. i don't like him but i want him to like me. do you understand ? i'm the type of person where i have to figure everything out or else i get overwhelmed with anxiety so i hope someone can help me. please !
     
  2. anon12

    anon12 Guest

    your situation seems to be very similar to mine. except I am the exact opposite. I believe it's anxiety maybe coming from low confidence, at least for me. I feel like the mind can play tricks on you. we both have known we liked girls from a young age (I'm a guy) but anxiety can be a bitch
     
  3. davaa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2012
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    yea. i just don't know what to make of it
     
  4. iHateThinking

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2013
    Messages:
    422
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    U.S.A.
    There are so many things in this post I can relate to it's ridiculous.

    I honestly have not had a boyfriend. Even the word, for me, sounds weird. Not in relationships for other people, just trying to imagine myself having a "boyfriend". I generally consider guys really good friends and I can relate to them pretty well. I tend to mix up my caring, friendly feelings for guys as reasoning that I must like them more than a friend. But logistically you can care for someone deeply without wanting them in a romantic sense.

    I have, however, had two girlfriends. And overall the relationships were enjoyable.

    In essence, this sums up my current thoughts. I had a guy friend once say to me "How do you know if you've never been with a guy before?" I wanted to throw back "How do you know you're not gay if you've never been with a guy?" (Which would probably have gotten the response of "I just know." and then I'd want to respond "It's the same for me, genius!") But recently I've been going through a heavy doubt phase. My self esteem is pretty low overall and I feel really confused about it all.

    I feel like, even though I like girls I must be a.) faking it, b.) in denial about feelings for guys c.) something else. I also feel like I'll somehow, through all of this, wind up with a guy in the long term. It gives me anxiety and makes my face cringe. However, my thoughts of being with a girl long-term generally come with a more peaceful feeling, as in, I can be okay with this, but I still think I'm somehow "faking it."

    I will admit, there are attractive men in the world. But there are also unattractive men, attractive women, and unattractive women. You can appreciate beauty, there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not constantly attracted to other girls 100% of the time all-day-every-day. I don't know if anyone's really like that, we all have different tastes.

    You don't NECESSARILY have to experiment right away if you don't want to. You can just see how your feelings develop and how things go. I usually feel neutral towards the male form. It's just "eh" for me. I can appreciate guys aesthetically and from an artistic sense (I love to draw people, so of course I'll have to draw guys). But for the most part I'm not interested in the sexual aspect, thinking about it is kind of uncomfortable for me; the thoughts feel intrusive and really annoying.

    I can mostly relate to the anxiety. I feel like I ABSOLUTELY have to know RIGHT this minute. But it really doesn't work that way. I hyper-focus on any doubt that I might have and get a mountain out of a molehill. When I don't really think about it I'm alright with my feelings towards girls, but the minute I'm thinking I over-analyze everything and get anxious.

    I wish I could help more, but do know you're not alone! (*hug*) I can definitely relate to a lot of what you're feeling here and maybe some other EC-ers will too. This forum is a really helpful place to be in for stuff like this.
     
    #4 iHateThinking, Aug 4, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2013
  5. davaa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2012
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    yea being intimate with a man kind of makes me uncomfortable. but then the doubt i have gets really overwhelming. i thought i was alone really. also, even some girl saying she has a boyfriend is weird. like i don't know if that makes much sense. i'm okay with my feelings towards girls. and yes now that you mention it i do feel at peace when i think of a long term relationship with a girl and i can't see myself with a guy. but that little voice just won't shut it. the anxiety gets to me. thank you though. it's nice that there are other people who can relate
     
  6. wanderinggirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    Society has a way of making you have expectations for yourself that don't match what you want. It sounds like you want to end up with a guy but have been in very fulfilling relationships with women. Not everyone needs to experiment to know, so if it's not something you want you don't have to force yourself to sleep with a guy.

    I overthink things all the time. It doesn't mean I have to follow those lines of thought. And though I lean more towards crushes on women nowadays, part of me wishes for a hetero wedding and life with a guy. But you fall for who you fall for.
     
  7. davaa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2012
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    wanderinggirl i'm not understanding what you're saying
     
  8. davaa

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 6, 2012
    Messages:
    15
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone