My story so far... (long)

I’m sorry this is really long, I really want to get this off my chest. Any suggestions/advice or help you can give is much appreciated!

So growing up I never questioned my sexuality, I was really involved in my youth group at church and became a really well liked leader in my catholic church. My hero was my youth minister and I met in a small group with him about every week all throughout high school. We would have sessions where we would talk about our struggles in life which included struggles of purity aka masturbation. I always hated talking about it and I really just wanted to be able to say I didn’t do it, as I was taught that it was a mortal sin. I never looked at porn and I don’t plan to, so just growing up in this atmosphere never really left me room to even question my sexuality.

I started college with the hopes of deepening my faith even more and meeting a great girl that I could one day call my wife. At the end of my first year of college my best friend told me that he was bisexual, and that I was the first of our friends that he told. I told him that it didn’t change our relationship one bit and I would keep it a secret. Then I shared with him that I wanted to become a catholic priest. Which looking back must have been kind of the wrong thing to announce at that moment…But anyways our second year started and we were living in an apartment with all of our friends. One night he got a little drunk at a party, and he told me that he liked me and had liked me from the first moment he saw me. At this moment I maybe should have felt scared or nervous but I didn’t really feel anything and just said OK. It didn’t upset me or make me look at him any differently other than my best friend.

The next day and the next months passed by without any change in our friendship. I brushed his comment to the side thinking he was blacked out when he said it. We would get lunch together and often times he would bring up his sexuality and want to argue with me about what was right and wrong. I absolutely hated those lunches because I was at a conflict where my faith could not allow me to see what he was doing as morally right, even though I truly loved him and supported him no matter what. As time passed I guess I lost my faith and being a priest no longer really appealed to me and I fell out of what had been my passion for like the last five years of my life.

One night at another party I started to hold the hand of a girl that I knew had liked me for a long time and my friend held her best friends’ hand. And so after this night I had a girlfriend and he then started dating my girlfriend’s best friend a week later. Being with this girl never really felt right to me. I had my first kiss with her and made out with her but I never really enjoyed it. When we watched movies she would want to kiss but I would pretend I was really into the movie to avoid it. Needless to say I ended it with her fairly soon, and my friend also was not into his girlfriend either and so broke up as well.

After we both broke up my friend approached me one day in my room and told me that he knew he had told me that he liked me that one night, and asked me if there was ever a chance between us. He told me that he would get so jealous when I went with my girlfriend to my room and that he started dating just to not be jealous. He then told me that he liked me so much and that if I just told him that there wasn’t a chance then maybe he would be able to get over me. I said to him that I really wanted a wife and that I value his friendship so much but that’s all we will ever be. I knew he was disappointed and it hurt me to see him that way.

As the weeks passed I noticed him making subtle advances like sitting a little closer to me, and even one night giving me a foot massage. I knew I was probably leading him on by accepting these advances but for some reason I didn’t seem to mind his advances. I found myself wanting him to get closer to me and this frightened me, I would stay up at night thinking about what this meant and some nights I would imagine myself in a relationship with him. I could not believe I was thinking these things, and I hated myself for it. But I could not seem to get it out of my head. So I decided, being the introvert I am, to write a letter to him expressing what I had been feeling towards him, thinking maybe he could help me understand myself and my curiosity.

After a week I mustered the courage to give him the letter, and afterwards we started to get closer to each other. It happened pretty fast but we held hands and we even kissed for the first time, which felt much better (it was still a little weird though) than when I was with my girlfriend. We told each other that we were best friends and whatever happened we would always remain best friends. And then we started to get physical, which felt really good but at the same time I felt absolutely sick with myself for doing some of the things we were doing. I felt like such a terrible person lying in bed at night and I felt so fake whenever I went to go spend time with my friends from the catholic club. Sometimes I would initiate a sexual act hoping that if God was real he would see and punish me and pull me out of this “sinful” relationship. It wasn’t all just to challenge religion though, I really did like, even love my friend and we did grow a lot closer together during those times.

The thing is though, I can’t seem to admit to myself I am gay. I wake up some days with the intention of calling our relationship off and just distancing myself from what we have done and trying to find my faith again. But other days I wake up and want school to start again so I can be with him and love him and to make him feel loved. I am so conflicted; I don’t want to be gay. I want a wife and I really want children, I really want my family and friends to accept me. (All these struggles I know are struggles that I share with every LGBT person, which is a comfort but still doesn’t lessen the pain). I would also say that I am more romantically inclined towards women than men, but maybe that’s because I don’t really have many romantic experiences with a man... It just hurts so bad not wanting to be gay but yet being in love with a person who is a man. But I just can’t seem to admit to myself that I may be gay or bisexual, it literally hurts me when I think about it. I guess I am just struggling with coming to terms with everything.

I think this may be leading to problems because we live far apart outside of school so we will Skype or text which I love doing, but I always get uncomfortable when he tries to initiate anything sexual. Does this mean that I am not gay, or why do I get so uncomfortable?


Thanks for listening to my story, I am sorry it’s so long but it really helps to have it off my chest. I am so thankful I found EC!