At first I didn't think my thread would belong in here, I know that I'm bisexual. But, I read the orientation thread for general advice and it made me feel like I should post in here. I just don't want to step on any toes : / So while I do know that I'm bisexual, things past that aren't so black and white. I mean, ever since I hit puberty my sexual fantasies have been about guys gals and several mixtures of the two lol. I know what my sexual attractions are. Though I should say that there are a great many more women that I find attractive than men. In fact, there are very few men that I could find attractive but they are out there. And oh boy when I see them I just want to stop and stare, which I don't. Romantically things are a different story. They are actually a great deal confusing. See, I've always imagined myself with a woman and a large family. It's always been a dream of mine and I still stand by that dream. But then I talk to some guy (as an acquaintance and only such) or see one walking down the street, in the store, or on you tube ; P and its like all I can think about is how amazing he is. When I come across some sweet, mature, adorable, fantastic, handsome, absolutely amazing guy I just want to say hi. Alas, I just walk on by. And I'm not looking for sex. In fact, all of my sexual partners so far have been women. That I know of actually. There was this one time that I was extremely drunk and the last thing I remember before blacking out was making out with some guy. That was the only time I've kissed a guy and the only time I've blacked out, thank goodness (about the blacking out part). Anyway, when I come across a dream guy I get so confused. The reason being I don't really think about sex so much as how sweet he is and how great of a boyfriend he would make. But that's where I hit my brick wall. I'm telling you that I don't think about sex when I see these guys because I want to get across the point that I would be willing to date (in secret, and as far as I can imagine anyway) but where does that relationship end and my picture perfect reality begin? He's not a woman. He can't be my bride. But I can see myself falling in love with a man, truly. But what is my plan? Am I just going to break up with him when I decide that it's time to find a great gal and begin a life? Sure I could try to have a family with a man, but how well does that work out these days? Yeah in a few places it can turn out okay, but seeing that I could have a wonderful relationship with a woman as well I wonder why I should take that risk. And how happy could I be with a man? I only have one life, I don't want to screw it up. I also am afraid of experimenting with relationships with men because I don't want to be a heartbreaker. That's not who I am. So I guess the reality of dating those few men that blow me away, and the reality of the rest of my life don't really intertwine very well. I would love to fall in love with a fantastic man, but I don't know that it could ever work out. I'm so conflicted between the day dreams that I have about these guys and the love I would like to have, and the wonderful life I could share with a woman. I guess I'm scared to fall in love with a guy : / Man, that was hard to even put to words. I don't blame anyone who can't make sense of it. I have a hard time with it constantly. Any help would be awesome though : )
I don't think you are afraid to fall in love with a guy, I think you are just nervous which makes it normal for someone who has a romantic orientation. I think you are just confused as to who you want to be with romantically, and in cases like this; I can understand why and how it would be. I would suggest dating both to see how it feels, you could just simply have a Bi-romantic preference that is fluid.
I just don't want to hurt anyone you know? What if one of the first few I guys I date I develop a great relationship with and then later on decide that I don't want to be with a guy? It would be a big leap to start dating seeing as how I'm not out for the most part.
Here's the thing, no one said you have to engage in a SERIOUS EXCLUSIVE relationship. Heck, being in a platonic friendship can even work in some cases. You two can like, hang out have dinner, just you know; fun stuff, see who you enjoy being with; if the thought of kissing them ore "courting" them comes to mind and it arouses you as well; it might be the way to go. Basically, don't take it too seriously, just have fun and enjoy the ride.
Maybe I can give it a try one of these days. But it'll take someone truly amazing. I'm afraid my standards are a little high. Thanks for the advice : )
No problem bro; also, lower your standards a bit; you never know unless you give someone a chance. I lowered my standards and let me say; I felt never better. (!)
It's awesome that doing that made you feel better, but I don't know if I can achieve it man. When it comes to the guys, only a very few light me up : /
I think I understand what's going on in your head/heart/penis. Let's see if I have this right. You're know that you're bi, but haven't explored the male side of things very much due to circumstance (maybe?) and fears. You're afraid that if you date a guy you will A) have to keep it secret- which is hard, B) discover it isn't what you want it to be (and leave to go marry a woman), leading you to C) break his heart. I also think you might be scared of the intensity of those feelings, because that level of emotion can be terrifying. So you meet guys (and/or see them on the street), crush on them, and let it sit at that. First of all, there is nothing wrong with finding a woman you love and settling down with her and having a big, happy, queer-friendly family. It wouldn't make you any less bi, and it wouldn't be traitorous to the community or anything like that. However, I think you should really take a good look at your feelings and probably explore your attractions to men a bit more before you do that because those feelings seem to be so intense. So, let's talk about some of the fears you have concerning dating dudes. First, you said a lot about not wanting to hurt someone. I hate to tell you, but that is just life. No one (or almost no one) dates only one person in their lifetime, and that means everyone has breakups. People break up for many different reasons, but I think the least painful one is "We want things that aren't each other." This means, no one cheated, no one lied, but one or both people either discovered that the other person wasn't what they were looking for in the first place, or that they had changed and so had their wants. It's really no different or more hurtful if Steve leaves Joe because he decides his life just won't be complete without traveling the world, or because he needs someone not quite as impulsive, or because he's just not that into men. When you start dating someone, you don't make a commitment to love them forever, that's called marriage. It's okay if you aren't 100% sure they are what you want- almost no new couple is sure of that. It's also okay if you think you want this person, but you discover that your wants change. The only responsibility you have is to be nice, considerate of their feelings, and to do your best. This means no cheating and no making promises you can't keep. Yes, you will probably end up hurting someone, but it could be a woman just as easily as it could be a man. You will also probably end up being hurt by someone, that's called life. Next, it is totally possible to have a large family with two papas or two mamas. I feel very sad that you haven't been exposed to families like this, they're the best. Adoption is a great route, as is surrogacy. Depending on where you live, acceptance can be tough, but if you're willing to move then there are lots of places (and the list is growing every day) where no one bats an eye at a kid having two dads.
What U need to understand about this dream family with a woman is that it is a very manufactured, conservative ideology. I really understand that it's appealing but for the sake of happiness you have to let these dreams go sometimes. Think about being with this dream girl and having the kids... Suddenly you realise that you're lying to yourself and you want to be with a man. You're right, you only get one chance at life and you've just wasted 20 years!!! There's always options for gay couples regarding a family. Some people may scrutinize you, but that's their problem not yours at the end of the day.
He's not being scrutinized by anyone, he's feeling confused about who he should be with because he feels his emotions at least jump around from gender to gender.
Ms. JustAnotherSoul, you pretty much nailed it. That was a wonderful reply : ) There are some absolute dreamy guys out there that just make my heart flutter! I guess I just have to adjust to the idea of possibly having that dream family with a man. When it comes down to it, had I been raised in an area where that was normal I probably wouldn't have ever second guessed it. But I have been raised in an area that pretty much abhors that kind of thing and it makes it impossible to dream of such things. But then sometimes these random guys will just entangle me with their charm and I can fantasize of the emotions I could share with such a guy. But that's about all I fantasize about because I don't want to be creepy : ) Another problem is that when I picture myself married with a man I somehow always picture some forty year old hairy guy with a mustache and it scares me. I truly don't mean to offend anyone, but that absolutely makes me want to cry. I know it's not reality, and I know that if I found a guy I was willing to date and fell in love with him I would probably be attracted to him for ever how long we were together, but the thought still lingers and scares me. Honestly, typing this right now is making me sick just thinking of the repercussions I would have to deal with. Its hard dealing with these attractions sometimes : ( Anyways, thanks so much the replies! You have all been so helpful : D
I'm glad I could help! One thing to think of is that gay dudes (in my opinion and experience at least) are way cooler and better looking than straight guys. Of all the gay and bi guys I know, none of them strike me as the type of people to grow creepy mustaches and pig out on the couch with their beer belly, pizza, and can of Coors when they are 40. I guess another way of looking at it is that you're not filling out a survey to be paired with someone at random. You can pick someone who won't be that sort of person. (Also, I know you didn't mean to offend, I'm not angry or upset or anything at all, but I'm not a Ms. I'm a... hmm... why don't we have a gender neutral title of that sort? I guess I'll have to get a PHD so I can be Dr. :lol
Lol, I'll call you Dr. anyway : ) Dr. Soul ; ) I guess because there are so few gay men around here what I have seen and what can been seen elsewhere are probably two very different things.
