Sick of confusion. Tired of self-loathing and lying to myself.

Hello EC.

I really have no idea how to start talking about this, but I'm really hoping that you guys can take the time to help me out and you know, offer some advice and all.

So a few years ago, I started having lustful thoughts about the same sex. I'm 17 now. It started happening when I was about 11 or 12. I honestly don't remember what triggered this. It was wholly unexpected. It felt so wrong, but I never tried to suppress my attraction to guys. I'd try to give myself reasons why I'm probably into it. Stuff like "Oh, maybe you just want that kind of body" or "It's just puberty, in a few years you'll grow out of it." Stuff like that. I've had romantic feelings for girls, I think there was three of them, over the past 5 years. Again I'd try to reason with myself why I've had a few crushes (compared to guys my age, many even had girlfriends and all). I thought, "Maybe I'm just really picky." And then there's another reason which I've tried to deny and deny over and over and over again... "Maybe I'm gay... :bang:." I've never considered it at all. Left the thought locked up in a box, and threw it to the furthest reaches of my mind.

I feel like the feelings I have for women are more of an uber-friendly thing, not an actual desire for romance. I think it's because I grew up in an extended family where women outnumber men. I don't know if I'm just forcing these feelings, you know. Right now I'm best friends with this guy (for a year now). There's just something I can't explain when we hang out. This sort of warm fuzz that I never really feel with women. It might sound like a bromance to most people, and for once I thought I found the answer. "Oh, it's just a bromance, after all." But deep inside, I actually wanted more.

As I've said, people say it's a puberty thing. But how long does puberty last? I'm already 17 for christ's sake. In a few years' time I'm not a teenager anymore.

Sometimes I'd dwell on self-loathe. I never wanted this. I am so afraid of confronting these feelings that I'd prefer to just bottle 'em up and try to live normally and continually lie to myself. Right now I'm in the process of accepting that maybe I'm gay, after all. Sometimes I just don't care anymore. Point is, I'm already tired in feeling alone with these feelings all the time. I can only take solace in being in a place where people experience the same thing, which is this web forum. God, is this hard.

Where do I fit? :icon_sad::icon_sad:

And sorry for the overly-dramatic post.

 

Do you think I'm over-analyzing it? It drives me insane sometimes. When I'm with guy friends, most of the time I'll make lewd jokes (i don't know if that's the proper term) about how this woman has got a nice rack, or that girl is really sexy and what not - which I am not sincere about at all. It's really pathetic and sad that I am trying to hold up a reputation as a 100% straight guy. It's a mess that I don't know how to fix.

 

I guess you have a point. :lol: Don't get me started on the "experimentation" thing though, I don't even know where to start. People's reaction to this kind of subject matter over here ranges from aversion to total disgust. At least, from my observations and assumptions.

But hey, thanks for the input. I appreciate the optimistic advice.