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Questioning sexuality (along with other problems).

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by myname, Aug 10, 2013.

  1. myname

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Hello,

    I really need some advice from people from the gay community on how to find out if you are really gay or not. The problem that I have is that I suffer from OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), have a depressive personality and am extremely love-shy and specifically at the moment my OCD is turning into a HOCD crises (i.e. I am having obsessive thoughts that I might be gay, every occurrence that happens to me is being contrasted to this backdrop, which is slowly devouring my life). Along with that I have always had severe intimacy issues (maybe I'm asexual? but none-the-less I still have sexual urges).

    The thing is that I have never had homosexual thoughts, despite maybe the occasional wonderance of 'what would it be like', until now (I just turned 21).

    I remember my first light 'sexual' experience that I had was when I got aroused when I was 9 after seeing my 4 year old cousin (female) naked, in case early indicators are anything to go by.

    During my school time I would always crush on women and I even had a full out limerance in high school where I would be constantly thinking about this one girl nearly 24/7 (probably again part of my OCD) and had the occasional sexual dreams about her. The only thing about these crushes was that I always kind of skewed the women as men, in a way. I always had the fantasy that they would have aggressive sex with me, with them on top performing on me. At the same time I had no real friends or social life what so ever and just sort of hanged with the -womanless- nerdy outcast group in school, meaning I lack adolescent experience and bonding with the opposite gender.

    I only had two experiences with women the first when I was about 16 in a way I was just really shy around her and didn't know what to do and she kind of lead the whole time literally saying to me "kiss me" and stuff, but when I did I would get aroused but there was still always this very strong barrier between us, but it wasn't a lack of emotional or sexual desire (like I got erections for her) it was more me being to scared to take any initiative whatsoever, or maybe just intimacy issues?

    The secound time was not to long a go, I met her at a festival and was completely drunk, which gave me the courage to take certain initiatives like kissing and groping her and ended up in her tent grinding and stuff, again no problems with erection then I slept with her and it was enjoyable, but I still had the feeling something was missing and again some type of barrier, beyond emotional and sexual like I simply don't fit mentally with women, a strange urge to shy away from them.

    Now over the past months I've just been having repetitive thoughts that I might be gay and my ocd is injecting a ton of homosexual thoughts into me the thing is at the start I would sort of feel uncomfortable and ashamed with these thoughts, so I was still under the impression that it was my OCD infusing me with unwanted thoughts, but evermore I'm becoming comfortable with them and the thought of a big muscular man (instead of a women) is becoming evermore sexually arousing in a sort of perverted way (no prejudice against this community, but for me subjectively, if I imagine gay sex, especially as a submissive, I think I'd be left with a sort of 'used' feeling afterwards). I'm just unsure if this is me giving into OCD or my true colours shinning through?

    But there are a few things that bother me. One is that I have never attained the emotional connection to men that I can get to certain women :bang: and secoundly if I imagine myself with a man I still get this feeling that I'd have severe intimacy issues and I'm not sure if this 'barrier' is because I might be gay or because I simply have intimacy issues.

    Also this has all sort of spiraled me down into yet another depression so I'm having problems with my libido and it is making it hard to 'test' my sexuality further.

    And just to point out how severe OCD can be, during my last obsession I was certain I was becoming schizophrenic, despite obviously not becoming schizophrenic to everyone else, just an example of how much it can make you think things that aren't actually true. I would spend my whole day on the internet researching schizophrenia and eating omega 3 fish oil pills (since I found out they lower the chance of an outbreak during the prodromal phase).
     
  2. unknown17050

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    First off, welcome to EC; second, I think you are just scared and afraid of commitment, there is nothing wrong with that, I too also was like you who did not fit in with the crowd and often veered off from the "normal" people.

    First off, try think about both men and women; see what gets you going; then think about men and women in a romantic marriage sort of way, don't let the fear of being in a relationship affect how you are with anyone, you just thought of something that never had lead to anything and now it has; so it of course is going to mess with you alot. You need to first calm down and realize just how little this situation matters!

    I was once like you who lived his life, No doubts what so ever, the thought never occurred to me, but then one day I read and article that turned my head UPSIDE DOWN so to speak, and it was an article about homosexuality and it made me question quite often what if I was, I eventually joined this site and in time, I just learned that I was simply Bicurious really.

    So keep a journal with you to record your feelings; sexual and romantic, do not let anything wear you down, and just go with the flow. I could give you my opinion on your sexual orientation and romantic orientation (they can differ, otherwise hookers would not exist) but I feel that is unnecessary because only YOU can figure that out for yourself.
     
  3. myname

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
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    Problem is that I'm unsure if I'd be mixing up platonic friendship with the same sex with romantic attraction like I've never had full on crushes on men but I did have some very fulfilling friendships. But I only ever become obsessive, jealous and possessive with women although I suppose all those emotions are all related to romanticism (and passion) in a way it's something that I just couldn't imagine to pull through a marriage since the emotions are more on the destructive side and my guess is that it would probably all end in abuse. But the feelings for women are defiantly much more intense. Yet, at the same time I sort of become frightened and shy away of having sexual intimacy with them, although I can perform, I just feel overwhelmingly vulnerable in sexual matters. Maybe I just need the right women who will slowly lead me through intimacy and make me feel secure with it?

    With men I'm starting to think I would have less qualms with intimacy but I'm still unsure if this is my natural orientation or just a scape route because the sex would be more impersonal, I just wouldn't ever feel the same emotions for men, there would always be a certain distance between me and another man, it simply wouldn't be an emotionally vulnerable situation since there would be less romantic feelings (including vulnerability) present on my part.

    I think I probably need extensive therapy to fix other facets of myself before I can dig through to my true identity :icon_sad:

    Maybe my problems with women is simply that I want them but can't have them, due to my orientation, which just keeps sending me back into frustration?
     
  4. myname

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Ok something just happened, after a few hours struggling I decided to completely and utterly accept the fact that I'm gay and even impulsively Skyped my parents to tell them, only to find that the OCD vanished my mind went back to normal and I recollected all the instances were I thought I was gay simply because I was talking to men to find that really all I was doing was talking to them, like any normal human being and that just because I happened to have looked at a man on the street did not mean that I wanted to have sex with them, that masturbating while watching gay porn will obviously give me an erection, along with many other things.

    But none the less I've somehow become comfortable with the idea of having a potentially relationship with a man so I'm guessing I took a few steps down the Kinsey scale probably somewhere between a 2 and 4, but My attraction to women that I've always had did not just suddenly vanish after saying to myself I was gay (like I thought it would), I realized that I defiantly have an attraction (sexual as well) and that the issues hence can't be due to orientation as such, and then there's the fact that I'm only attracted to a rare kind of women i.e. sexually aggressive women.

    But most importantly I've come to the conclusion that I just don't care anymore about my orientation and labels and that obsessing about them and their consequence will NOT bring my life forward but will just stall it. From now on I will just react to any desires and feelings that I may get for others and see where it leads me.

    Hope this piece of advice will be of use for anyone else who is obsessing about their sexuality. Once you give into your HOCD it WILL vanish and most likly have changed your perception on your sexuality somewhat but not to the extent that it makes you believe it would :slight_smile:

    (I just hope this whole thing doesn't restart tomorrow morning though)