Hello, everyone. So, this is my story: I was never sure what I was throughout whole my life (even though I am still only 16) but mainly I was attracted to girls. Never was I attracted to a boy I knew IRL. I would watch a lot of gay porn and then just start watching some straight porn, never had any problems with that, it was just the way things went for me. So, I have a male best friend with whom I would do everything: talk about all the stuff happening around, go to a lot of events together, etc... We know each other for 1,5 years, I think. The thing is, he is gay. He came out to a couple of friends (me being one of them) and that's about it. I never had any problems with that, our relationship wouldn't change just because of his sexual orientation. And of course, I was openly straight, had a lot of female crushes, and, as I said, not a single male one. Well, things started to change about three weeks ago, when he told me he was in love with me for quite some time. It was... it was a shock really. I just stared aimlessly at the sky trying to figure out what was going on, and well, you get the point: I was shocked, wanted to be just friends, he was sad, and all that regular stuff. Problems started to arise once he started ignoring me and avoiding me at all costs! I couldn't bear it! It wasn't my attention to lose a best friend! Once I had rejected him, I thought it would all be back to normal... Yeah, right. I realised that I really missed him as a friend and wanted to set things straight. We talked for hours about our relationship and it seemed that we made up and that he would be my friend again so he invited me over to his house to hang out. I knew what he was aiming at, but still, I accepted the invite. Since then, I was terrified. All sorts of thoughts would just crash about in my head, the fear, the anxiety, a lot of questions, it was unbearable. I was freaking out. When I came to his house, things went smoothly, but at one moment he started... doing stuff. He kissed me on the cheek, and I could think of only one thing in my head: I don't know, I don't know, what is happening, this is so awkward, arghhh'. Nevertheless, we started kissing, but I would still think of all those things I mentioned earlier. I could see how happy he was about what just had happened. I wasn't. I was terrified, creeped out, and I'd repeat to myself over and over 'I don't know, I don't know'. If you ask me if I am attracted to him I can tell you that there is something there, but... guess what: I don't know! :tears: He invited me over again, but I refused. I could see that my answer angered him a little, but oh well. I don't feel comfortable thinking about our relationship, I thought that if I gave it a try that I would instantly like it, but it only made me feel awkward like hell. And also I feel as I am being pressured by him, with the constant invitations and all that. Maybe I need time to adapt. To think thoroughly about everything. And the thing that scares me the most is that if I put and end to this that I would lose him again, and both of us would be unhappy. I can't risk losing my best friend. Maybe I get more attracted to him? Maybe I am too scared? And yes, I am hell of a lot scared, at the moment. Thanks for reading this quite long post and I would really appreciate any response, because I am going through hell right now! :bang:
I would ask him for some space. Go over but sit in a chair rather than a couch type thing. Just let him know you need time to process and hopefully you can get back to normal. If you don't show interest but don't treat him different he will get the idea. If he values your friendship in the way you value his you should be able to recover from this. Also if you want to experiment don't do it with him. If he likes you then that is just leading him on and is really quite mean. It is a difficult situation and I'm not sure if my advice is good for your situation but I hope I was able to help a little. It sucks to lose friends; I can say that from experience, but I can also say there are other people out there if this doesnt work out. Sorry I'm not more help
I think it's pretty clear that your friend has not respected your boundaries; you are not comfortable with this, it is obvious from your post that you were not quite willing to accept certain advances from him, but you value your friendship so much that it didn't matter what he did...and that was a mistake. Normally, if you were bi or gay, this would not be so difficult, so follow your true feelings and take a break from him for a while, it's important that you keep your integrity as a straight guy rather than giving in to advances that are not wanted.
While this may sound odd at first hear me out. To me it is obvious that the two of you love each other. It is clear in what way he loves you, but the issue is in what way you love him. You say that you are questioning is it just him that has made you question? If it is just him you may want to do some self examination. I do agree that if you decide to experiment you should not do it with him as it would be extremely hard on him if you decide that you don't like it. What I would like to make sure you understand is that sexuality is NOT binary, it is a spectrum. the most common representation of this is the Kinsey scale (0-6 scale 0=Heterosexual, 3=Bisexual, 6=Homosexual). Just remember that you are the only one who can determine your sexuality and that you need to be careful in this situation not to hurt either one of yourselves.
It seems like the attraction is there. Slow down, take things easy. Get some space between you two. No need to rush relationships, I've made that mistake. Get back to the "friend zone" because if he truly respects you, he'll do it. Work things up, think about it, and just let it all happen naturally. Also, there's no rush to put a label on yourself. Labels are simply that, labels.
I think it is naturally very stressful, especially when we are young, to deal with a friendship or relationship that threatens to change our concept of ourself, or how others might see us. I think you are doing great just to put all of that into words and try to sort out all of the conflicting feelings and pressures you are under. Even though a lot of things get easier with age, confusing situations of one kind or another are part of life. I continue to try to sort through confusing situations in my life at 48. I agree with a lot of the advice given. Know that you are OK, being confused about what to do is normal. It's ok to be gay-straight-bi or questioning for as long as you need. I would say, try to figure out what you do and do not feel comfortable with right now with your friend, and communicate that to him, then see how things go, and you can always re-evaluate or change your mind later. I think it's important to show respect and to be respected. If someone is not respecting you, then as painful as it may be, I think it is best to distance yourself from that person. And there is always the option of finding someone you trust to talk through these challenges in person. Sometimes we grow up thinking we shouldn't talk about same-sex related stuff, or like we don't want people to label us. I know I used to feel that way. Then I realized it was mostly just paranoia. Sure there are some jerks out there. So choose someone who you feel will be supportive, and if they're not, move on to someone else. Best of luck.
Yeah, it sure does. I'll try and talk to him, we'll see if everything goes well. Thanks for the help and the reply! Maybe I gave him some kind of signals that I wasn't aware of, who knows. I guess it was a mistake, the uncomfortable feeling I get even of just thinking about what happened and what could happen next isn't a very good signal, I assume. Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate it! Yeah, I told him I need some time to think things out, because I'm not quite sure what's happening in my head. Confusion all around. And yes, I did look at this as an experiment, but firstly I gave into all of this to save our relationship (the chatting, hanging out). I just went for it, hoping for things to get better... doesn't seem so, at the moment! I guess it would be best if we sat down together and talked everything out, because I can easily mislead him and hurt him afterwards... aaand make myself uncomfortable. Thank you for the reply and advice! :icon_bigg That friend zone sure sounds safe and warm now that you mention it. I am only worried that he doesn't get mad when I reject him... AGAIN. He might think that I play games with him and get so mad that he wouldn't listen. Or maybe those kind of things happen only in movies, but the main thing I am afraid of is letting him down again. I've been through it once, I guess I'll need to go that same path again with only hope that consequences won't be bigger this time. But being best friends for some time now, let's hope he'll understand. Thanks for the advice, I certainly needed it! I'll certainly have to talk to him about everything and there is no point in avoiding that. The thing is that I might not be able to go back once I make everything straight with him. The main fear is actually losing him again because I could really see that happy look in his eyes once he kissed, and the only thing I could feel was awkwardness. Argh, maybe I am just to awkward for social stuff... Always have been. Well, since we are in a small group of friends, talking to someone withing that circle could compromise his 'outing process' because he isn't out to all of them, and to those that he is out, they are quite against he being around me 'cause I put him to a lot of suffering when I rejected him 3 weeks ago. So I guess the only person is him... Thanks for the reply, I really means a lot! I really didn't know people would actually read this AND reply to it, thank you again, it really does help! (*hug*)
