Seeking out answers

Dear members,

SORRY FOR THE WALL OF TEXT. HOPE YOU CAN TAKE THE TIME TO READ IT.

First of all I would like to state that I've been reading multiple posts on this part of the forum, cause I am not so sure about my current situation. Some stories seem to look similar to mine, but yet I feel there are always parts that differ from mine. Therefore I felt the need to write my own story and would like your opinions on it.

I am questioning if I'm gay or bisexual. I am a 23 year old male. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be able to mark myself as "straight", cause else I wouldn't be using this forum. Below I will write both my straight and gay experiences and then would like to hear your opinions on it. To make the story as structured and clear as possible, I'll note every situation points-wise as to make it less multi-interpretable.

My straight experiences:
Youngster (6-12 years old):
1. Have had a crush on about 3 girls in this period. Two of them were class mates and one of them was my babysitter. I don't think I had really erotic feelings from them, but I just knew I would really love to date them and I liked to slow-dance with them.

2. Had multiple situations that I got turned on from naked girls. Sometimes in movies when I saw nice stories where women were undressing and rubbing on their panties, sometimes when we drove home from family and passed by the red light district street. The tention would turn me on.

Teenager (12-18 years old):
1. Have had crush on 2 girls in this period. Both were mostly from chatting though. One time I remember I went home to one of those girls, we didn't kiss but she showed me her panties collection and I liked it. I think I got turned on from it (erection etc.).

2. I remember going on summer holiday when I was about 16 years old and seeing an older woman (30-40) near the pool, topless. I was surprised and it definately turned me on. Other time on summer holiday I didn't watch porn for almost week and purely on thought I could almost climax thinking about naked girl even without using hands as stimuli.

3. Have had watched tons of porn watching naked girls etc. It really turned me on, but since I was doing it so much (minimal of once a day) after a while it just didn't do much to me anymore. I could still get boner but the climax was less powerful.

4. I have kissed one girl in this period when I was 16. She wasn't exactly that pretty, but I remember I was nervous and when I kissed her I got aroused and got erection. I remember that I really liked it.

5. On a trip with friends of mine to a beach place, we went eating somewhere. I remember seeing two girls topless walking off the beach. It got me erection.

Adulthood (18-23 years old):
1. Still watching porn, still getting turned on with ups and downs. I used to wank daily, even when I wasn't that feeling much horny I would still go and watch. Eventually I had periods that almost look like some sort of "cool off" wherein I just didn't get horny or my climax was just... not that satisfying.

2. I kissed another girl in this period. Again I got turned (erection) on and again I got excited. I also felt really proud as I wanted to tell my friends what I "achieved". In same year I also grinded a girl that was dancing infront of me with her back to mine. It was like a bubble party or whatever. It really turned me on

3. During multiple sessions where I went to look for a room, I had hot girls that I really liked. I felt that I would get horny by the idea of living there and having sex with them.

4. During a trip to budapest 1 year ago, I saw a hot girl in tight shorts. I had a boner from excitement, touched her ass and I really felt like it. That night I masturbated on the idea of sex with her and it was really really nice.

5. About a few weeks ago I saw another girl with tight shorts and it also aroused me. Only then when I realise im aroused and it makes me happy as some sort of "answer" on the gay/straight dilemma it totally kills the boner. Also in trains when I see girls and I can see their legs trough their jeans it can arouse me, or when I stand behind them in train. However, in each of these latter situations I have to actively fantasize with it.

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Oke so these are pretty much my "straight" experiences. Now since I'm asking for your opinions, I obviously also had quiet some gay experiences.

My gay experiences:
Youngster 6-12 years old:
1. When I was smaller, like 8-10 years old, I discovered my body more and my penis. Sometimes I had a friend come over and we'd play with lego's or soldiers or w/e. I remember that sometimes I got an erection when he would like whisper really soft when he was playing with those soldiers/lego's.

2. When I moved schools when I was like 10 years old, I remember I either really admired or was in love for 1 day with a boy that was like 2 years older then me. I'm not sure, but something drew me to him.

3. When there was news item about gay-pride on television, I would get a bit excited (semi-erection) from the male bodies in the underwear etc. It made me worry a bit. Also one time there was program where a guy went in his underwear and had a wrestling fight with another guy and it got me instant full erection which also worried me.

Teenager (12-18 years old):
1. One time during a pool party with high school a guy unshirted himself and I saw abs. I think I got aroused from it (semi-boner). It worried me too.

2. When I heard at end of high school one guy was gay, it more or less turned me on a bit. It felt deep inside like arousing a bit.

3. In begin of high school there was 1 guy whom I had about same feelings for as that guy when I was 8. I didnt necessarily get boner, maybe sometimes, but something made me admire him or w/e. Didn't really see him much so it faded. In later years it was mostly gone.

Adulthood (18-23 years old):
1. Since porn didn't really turn me on much and I could remember the previous situations, I experimented one time where I would watch shemale/gay porn. To my surprise (or not?) it immediately turned me on a LOT. Orgasm was nicer and it was allround easier than straight porn. It made me feel physicially sick afterwards and it would seriously haunt me for days/weeks. I would then proof I was "not gay" and then I tried to watch straight porn. The weird thing was, I was constantly checking myself if it would arouse me. I have had multiple of these "episodes" wherein straight porn didnt do the trick and I watched gay porn. During these periods, when I swapped between straight-gay the straight porn would hardly turn me on, way less even then when I didnt even watch the gay porn. It felt like the worrying might have effected it, but im not sure. The gay porn itself got less intense too. It still felt better but only specific scenarios (mostly when you could see buttfuck or underwear it turned me on) would leave boners, the rest would maybe arouse me but would not give me boner.

2. Only during these "episodes" I would get slightly aroused when some guys got "too near me". I didn't really pay much attention/get aroused outside of these periods when straight porn didnt do it for me, but always when I watched gay porn this happened. It would feel nice but it was kinda weird to me.

3. The episodes usually ended in me feeling really miserable and then watching porno one day to find a "conclusive result". This would in all these episodes (3 of them at that point) end with my penis getting erection from the straight porn and not the gay porn. Strange part is, that somehow relaxed me and I would get again get aroused from straight porn too. Then it would take a few weeks/months before it didn't do anything for me anymore and I'd go back to the gayporn.

4. I have had a few gaydreams and I liked it. It definately turned me on. However, I also had a few straight dreams and I'm pretty sure they also turned me on. However in the gay dreams it was more about the idea of anal fuck and not romantic, while in the straight dreams it was more about "safing the girl and the idea of having sex with her".

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Conclusion:

Personally I have mixed feelings. I'm 100% sure that straight people won't have this, but I refuse to acknowledge that every straight experience I had was all just nothing or a fluke. I one time outted myself to my parents as bisexual, with decent respondses. My dad indicated to me that everybody was somewhere on a spectrum of straight/gay and that it isn't black and white. Strangely, later I "put myself back in closet" as I had a bunsh of experiences where I could get boner from straight porn again. However, after all these episodes I'm pretty sure thats not the case. The most annoying part is that it seems to work in "phases" wherein I can get excited from straight porn, and the gay porn is always somehow laying dorment.

Would like your opinions on this. What you people think I am?