I feel so confused.

Am I really finding out that I'm gay?

It is just something that I can't understand, I have had two HUGE crushes on women (with many minor ones) were I would just fantasies about how great it would be being with themhow we'd understand each other unconditionally gallivant around fields catching butterflies and stuff, where every love song playing on the radio was made just for me and her. And I'd become really jealous and possessive whenever I saw them merely talking with someone else, but is this really sexual orientation? like I'd also masturbate and and have dreams about them, but that wasn't really what was exiting about the crushes, it was just the whole package.

But just this last while I've been wondering about gay sex and it does turn me on, and I'm finding myself checking out men more hen women, like today on the bus there was a man sitting in front of me and I sort of just imagined what it would be like, then I just froze up like a deer before getting run over and I got really horrible arousal and erection. I actually have the feeling that my orientation is shifting although all that I've read so far says it can't? (or maybe I'm just finding out that I was repressed all these years) makes me feel extremely guilty and depressed because I feel like the aforementioned fantasies will never get fulfilled with a man and I won't be able to have those elaborate experiences that I once fantasied about.

Does this just sound like a denial stage :icon_sad:

I really don't want to be gay, not because of societal or familial pressures, but it has to do with the fact that I just WANT women but my attraction to them is diminishing, I'm just so confused at the moment.

 

I used to only be attracted to women, never really thought sexually about men before the last while, so I did get erections for them, and they were my only source for attraction, but it is becoming less since I started having same sex thoughts, which is bothering me, I feel like my whole identity I had the last 20 years just took a sudden blow (I also used to find gay porn 'disgusting' back in my youth when I experimented with sites, so it never really showed that I might be gay/bi before). But yeah in certain situations I still get sexually attracted them, like when they do their preening moves and such. But does bisexuality really exist? on these forums it just seems to be frowned upon as a parking ground for gays.

 

Is it possible to suppress one half of bisexuality and try and go along with the other half, or does it end in just constant inner flux? I'd just imagine it difficult to integrate two different attractions?

Or would sexually satisfied by one simply just be sexually satisfied?

 

But I suppose I still always would have the option to rebel, if I wanted to. I'd just need to veil myself into asexuality and divert my libido into something else, maybe I'll write a romance novels about that which I cannot have? Maybe I'll even title one of them with a slight twist of irony: 'my child'.

 

I would prefer cuddling with women and I think kissing them too, like in the past whenever I had I know I enjoyed it, got butterflies and everything, but there is always some sort of hesitation with women, like I have more fears and anxieties to overcome, I'm just unsure if it might be a gayness within me holding me back or if if it's something else. I also find women intimidating in a certain way which makes me anxious and awkward around them, it's like I just don't know how I'm supposed to act or what I should do. like with guys I'm just in my natural habitat where I can be myself but whenever a women is around I just sort of change and retreat into a shell (although It has gotten better the last while), but I think many 'love shy' heterosexual men have similar problems around women?

I think a relationship with a man would just work specifically due to a certain distance kind of like a friend I could probably sleep with and have a good time, the question is just if my problem with women is merely love shyness of sorts, I'm sure it can be overcome, but if it is really an orientation issue I'd just be tilting at windmills.

I'm also on SSRIs and depressed so my libido is basically gone (along with all my self esteem) and when I do get aroused it just seems sort of random, without any fantasies, it isn't exactly helping with trying to determine my orientation. But I feel that at my age I just need to figure out an answer so I can move on in some direction.

The only other maybe 'subconscious' indicator I have that I might be gay is that I noticed that I tend to stare at mens faces more then womens when I'm out and about (I like to stare at women's legs though). Do any of you gay/gay-leaning guys do that too?

 

I'm thankful for this, it describes me pretty well.