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What is going on with me?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Tiger2013, Aug 14, 2013.

  1. Tiger2013

    Tiger2013 Guest

    To begin, for the past seven or so years (off and on) I THOUGHT I had HOCD. From the time I was a little girl I had always had crushes and been attracted to guys. I was that girl who was always boyfriend hopping in elementary and sort of middle school. However, when I was about 12, that's when the whole HOCD thing kicked in. I had somehow found an "interest" in things that were gay. It just interested me. I know that probably sounds strange. I don't really remember why, but I remember telling one of my friends online that I thought I was "bi". I didn't have any supporting evidence, I never found myself attracted to celebrities or female friends. After saying that, I instantly became paranoid. That is when I began rituals and the constant reassurance(at age 12). I think I even convinced myself of having a thirty second "crush" on a girl that sat next to me in class. I quickly dismissed it though. This topic distressed me so much.

    Well, shortly after I turned 13, my family moved states and it's like the problem went away. I had a long time boyfriend in middle school, and it never really bothered me. I had my typical attraction to boys. When I got to high school, it was still the same. I eventually got my current boyfriend when I was junior. He is my best friend and there is no question about my love for him. Anyway, the "HOCD" kicked back in shortly after I became sexually active. I don't really know why, but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I reverted back to my "checking", rituals, and the pit of reassuring myself. The worst part is the intrusive thoughts.

    Anyway, I eventually got smart after I had a panic attack and through some googleing, I found I might have HOCD. I've been seeing some improvement with my anxiety over "being straight"


    Why am I writing on this forum?
    Because I decided that the root of my anxiety was I was so afraid of the prospect of being anything other than straight. Therefore, one morning I told myself "it wouldn't be the end of the world if you were bi." And I don't think it would, but I don't see myself in a relationship with another woman. I also don't think I could be the one doing something sexual to another woman. I think kissing would be fine, but anything more than that I wouldn't be comfortable with. (But I think I may be wrong, I'm always doubting myself about this.) Ugh. It's so frustrating. Also, after I told myself that, it's like I became ultra aware of pretty girls. "Oh, she's pretty" (like i used to think) has turned into "She's hot" or "She is really attractive". But I feel like I might be making myself think that. Regardless, when I think that, it makes me feel weird and excited at the same time.

    I just want to know who I am, cut and dry. I hope that someone on here can help me.
     
  2. GayNerd

    Regular Member

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    You sound like you are mostly Gay, but have minor Heterosexual tendencies. However, the only way to know for sure if you are is this. I need to know if you are making yourself say things like "She's Hot." What will help is calming down and taking deep breaths. Just relax.
     
  3. Tiger2013

    Tiger2013 Guest

    I really don't think that I am gay with minor heterosexual tendencies, if anything I would describe it as the other way around. And I think that I do make myself think things like "she's hot." I say that because before I didn't "think" This all has stemmed from me being aware. When I was younger and didn't focus on it, things like that never crossed my mind. It was always like "Oh, she is really pretty!" now, it's like all of a sudden my brain has associated the word pretty with the word "hot" and it has me in a panic.

    I hope that makes sense.
     
  4. BookDragon

    Full Member

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    (That mostly gay comment may have come from the fact that your profile lists your gender as male...if you read your post again as coming from a gay you totally get 'gay' from it.)

    HOWEVER, As you said, it's not the end of the world if you're bi. It sounds like you're basically straight but can appreciate when another woman is attractive...not really that different than the countless guys I know who can quite happily say "I love my girlfriend but if Robert Downy Jr walked in here and said "Guys drops your pants" I wouldn't question it!".

    If you're happy with your boyfriend then why worry about it. Nothing wrong with appreciating sexy things :slight_smile:
     
  5. Randy

    Full Member

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    Location:
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    Some people
    *looks over at sidebar and sees male* What? I'm confused.