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Confusion reigns

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by TTSP, Aug 14, 2013.

  1. TTSP

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    Hey all,

    I am looking for ideas here, I'm 28 and a virgin both straight and gay. Basicly I was really badly bullied in school classic outcast stuff and I never felt worthy of any kind of relationship for years. I went to college and I although alot of women did lay out signs that they were interested I for some reason never found them acceptable and never went further. I often thought to myself 'they couldn't possibly be interested in someone like me I am nothing'. But I never really felt any strong chemistry either if that makes sense I never really wanted to go further. But I had one or two girls that I really liked when I was in school I would fantasize over them and imagine myself going out with them. It was always their faces that attracted me, I had a certain type that I liked but in hindsight it was really their personality that I dug not necessarily their bodies I always went mainly free spirited hippy type chicks that I thought were a bit alternative. It was always personality more than looks, I hated good looking woman with horrible personalities.

    Anyways after a one night stand about 6 months ago when I couldn't get it up I realised that I have a problem so I finally got around to getting myself a girlfriend I just went online dating and found a nice girl she isn't perfect but I just went ahead despite not feeling massively attracted to her. So we have been taking it slow she is not experienced herself which helps alot but after all this time I am starting to doubt my sexuality as I'm not finding it particularly enjoyable to be intimate with someone and I am having trouble getting erect in her presence. I think this is normal enough for late virgins like me. I quite like the intimacy with someone we are both so guarded and I think she is a bit repressed like me. But that is what I am clinging to her personality more than her looks I don't find her hugely attractive as she is quite overweight but has nice eyes and smile, this is not a game changer for me as I realise that it is just a temporary thing like virginity and that she is working to overcome it.

    I always thought it would be so much easier to be gay when younger. I kind of naturally knew which men I would go for and I had a type that I liked. I also thought it would be simple to attract them.

    Now I am having a good look at myself I do the limp wristed thing a good bit and I always notice men when out and about I spot men much more than women when walking down the street, for instance I would be out with friends and they would say 'check her out' I almost never notice good looking women. For instance when I look at friends now I often think 'he really let himself go'. Now it is hard to say if this is just due to the emotional abuse I suffered when young as any chance of being with a good looking woman has basicly been beaten out of me so I might just be a case 'why bother?'.

    years ago a friend in college that is still friends with me told me upfront that I was gay and that he was bisexual. He said did I not get a little rush when I saw a man this was exactly what I felt but I told him no. I still do to this day I tend to notice the man in the photo of a couple if he is good looking first and then the woman unless the woman is better looking than the man. Now I am a very attractive man and I definitely should have had loads of girlfriends by now. It's just that I am now terrified of them judging me for my inexperience as I am 10 years behind everyone else this is fair enough, but at the time in early college I knew of a few women who were inexperienced and looking back on it I could have easily got with them if I had really wanted to.

    I was also making loads of efforts to make friends as I felt that a large part of my childhood was so barren of friendship as I just didn't have friends so would just sit on the computer looking at other people living lives. For instance at that time the internet was new and I really loved coding and playing with websites, there were a group of people nearby that also did this as I knew from their online presence that they were doing stuff and I always wondered what it would be like to have friends like that, I knew all about them from afar. I am so happy I am not growing up now it must be terrible with facebook and ask.fm I can only imagine maybe there are more chances to meet people online... but the result of this that in college I basicly just wanted to make friends, good ones. I am very loyal to my friends now I really appreciate them.

    One of the other problems is that I went to college and did a very demanding course that often made m depressed as I wasn't keeping up with the course work at all. I basicly took on more than I could chew and I took a course in a very mathematical discipline as I felt this was a weak area that I could improve in college.

    When I told my mom I was going out with someone she asked male or female and over the years they have asked me a few times if I was gay or not... My parents like to think of themselves as progressive I guess and it is very unusual to be without a girlfriend so long.

    Now I have always masturbated alot but I tend to masturbate to weird fetishes, my number one fetish are dresses and short skirts. I always masturbated to putting a woman in a dress wearing a school uniform etc. It was never anything physical tho almost psychological to make them feel embarrassed I realised this is probably a deep rooted part of me that has been horribly embarrassed numerous times when younger so it has probably twisted my sex drive. I sometimes look at pics of woman wearing cheerleading outfits etc. I like some S&M stuff too but only relatively lite stuff not horrible shit. But I dont masturbate about their bodies really. I realise this makes me sound like a freak but I am 28 and a virgin so go figure. The key thing is tho I don't find the male cock particularily appealing but I do like the male face, probably more so than the female face I get a little ruch when looking at alot of mens faces not so much the women maybe a very rare woman would give me that feeling.

    So I went online to find a man today, I did get little rushes of sexual feelings when I was with him talking to him but it is the same when I am with my girlfriend sometimes I get the same feelings there wasn't any major moment when it all clicked and I went this all makes sense now.. It was good but about as good as being with a girl. I was pretty nervous as well. I'm not in a rush to repeat it but I was back on the hook up site looking at pics of men later... something about the eyes and I know instantly when looking at men if I like them or not... unlike women normally with women I would just be happy if they even decided to look in my direction. Me and this lad kissed and cuddled I realise that this is probably very bad as it is a form of cheating and normally I wouldn't do anything like this but... I guess I just had to know and if we have sex and continue the relationship I will not stray again but it seemed a little unfair to get her involved further if I was gay.

    The kissing was fine.. I think first time kissing sucks anyway I am definitely more a get to know the person kind of guy. I didn't get an erection so I would say it was about the same as with my girlfriend.. kind of awkward. I really have no idea maybe I am asexual and just have perverted fantasies?? All I know is that I take it one day at a time and I've come a long way from the severly depressed and in denial person I was several years ago. I will accept it either way it's just maddening not knowing!
     
  2. TTSP

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    I always had a really sensitive side when I was a kid still do I guess and I love to dance to dance music especially shake hips etc in fact I distinctly remember telling my parents when I was four I wanted to be a ballet dancer... I also felt that I'd be way more suited to creative industry being a writer or even producing plays, I write poetry a good bit but I always felt I would never make enough money to support a family doing that and I needed a good job to support and attract a future wife. I basicly thought if I had a good job I would get a wife. I also distinctly know several straight lads I had crushes on now that I think about it can't really say the same for girls. Fuck it, the more I write the more gay I think I am but still the idea of having a dick in my backside doesn't really do it for me.
     
    #2 TTSP, Aug 14, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2013
  3. BookDragon

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    If I ever wanted proof of time travel I found it, 'cause this sounds like me in a few years time...(except the good looking bit).

    A couple of things stand out to me in there. First, those are NOT weird fetishes...those are common as can be, so don't feel bad about it...secondly the whole 28 year old virgin thing, while not as common isn't something to feel bad about either...
     
  4. TTSP

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    It used to annoy me a lot more than it does now... I suppose I just feel I am missing out.

    The fetishes don't bother me too much more it is the fact that I tend to get aroused over putting people in embarassing situations and clothes than actually their physical bodies I guess.

    I also strongly wanted to kiss my friend who told me I was gay years ago when I was at his house but I resisted the feeling. I really have no idea I feel that if I found the right person in either sex it would work frankly but I think the female one would be much harder to find.
     
  5. BookDragon

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    I understand that. Finding the right person...hell finding ANY person is hard. I think you just have to give it a go! Although I don't dare offer any further help as I have less experience with relationships that you do! Hopefully someone with more can help :slight_smile:
     
  6. TTSP

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    Some clarity

    Just a short update on this situation. I am now fully convinced I am gay. I check out men constantly and for some reason for years I was in complete denial that I ever did it at all. After stepping back I realise how ridiculous this is it happens constantly. I notice the good looking bar man, the man across the street in the corner of my eye all subconsciously. I actually understand what all the fuss is about now when my straight friends talk about good looking women, it is an instinctive desire. I am also looking at my body in a new light, it is pretty feminine really, I have unusually small hands with thin fingers and no chest hair at all.

    I was in complete denial but now the walls are crumbling down. I am also recalling why I was so badly bullied in school when I was younger I was really effeminate I would cross my legs, wave my hands etc. Now what happened was that I was conditioned by bullying not to do these things over the course of several years and I retained the habits over the long term right up to now. My body is really tight as a result and I notice that I have learnt to stop doing 'gay things' all the time and I spend an enormous amount of energy all the time doing this this was all subconscious and automatic.

    This whole situation is terrible really it is a cruel and unusual punishment in which you program a person to act a certain way against all his natural inclinations using pain as the motivator and break them in like a horse. What a terrible thing to do to someone for no reason except that they were different and with such long lasting emotional and psychological effects. I suppose one of the reasons I held out for so long is that I was always called gay when younger and I imagined that being gay was a really terrible terrible thing and I didn't feel like a terrible person so I kept telling myself if nothing else at least I'm not gay as I am not a terrible person.

    I am still in recovery and I think it will take some time for my sexuality to fully express itself after being mentally suppressed for so long. But I hope my life will now get better but I must say that I am bitter it has taken me so long and the best years of my youth have largely been wasted unfortunately :icon_sad: