More than just bi?

Hi everyone, I'm 29 years old and I'm at least bisexual, possibly gay. Heres why.

I have used craigslist to meet guys before from about 2008 til about 4 months ago. I did this 6 times over the course of that time. First time I got oral and tried giving oral but quickly didn't like it. Every other time it's been me getting oral. I still fantasize about giving oral but not sure I'd like it although I think I'm coming around to trying it again. One of the times I tried to “give sex” (Don't know how to phrase that) but I couldn't keep hard. I think it might have been nerves but I wasn't particularly attracted to the guy. Sometimes I wonder if its the thrill of meeting a guy and the perception of illicitness that turns me on. Then I remember that I think about penis too much for that to be the only thing driving me.

Recently I met a girl that for 4 months I was madly in love with and I am still in the relationship. Its a long distance relationship and we've seen each other for a total of 12-14 days since mid Feburary over a few weekends. I care about her hugely but now I'm worried that I can't be what she wants me to be. Moreover, I'm pretty sure I'm more attracted to guys that girls. I do love her but this lack of physical attraction is upsetting me. I've been trying to test myself with pornography on the internet and I'm coming to the conclusion that men get me more excited than women. I'm sad to say that womens bodies are beautiful and sexy just they don't make my penis erect easily or sometimes at all (same could be said for guys though). I never watched gay porn before but now I'm starting to enjoy it. Most of it is bad but some of it is very sexy.

Women are beautiful and I like all their parts and can look at more of them from all ages and picture myself having sex with them but its different with guys. It's like a primal urge with penis that I can't seem to resist. I feel submissive in those situations and I like it.

I told my girlfriend that I'm bisexual a month or so ago and she's naturally worried that I might be gay. I've tried to reassure her that I'm not and that I will always like women and that I like her body. I do like her body but I'm just not turned on by it the same way as I am with a man. She's quite supportive but just a little insecure about the situation. She has every right, and from what I'm experiencing lately, every reason. She knows I've used craigslist, I've told her just about everything and she still wants to give us a go. I had a panic a couple of weeks ago after I told her everything that I wasn't able to give her what she wanted and that I'd hurt her. She is still keen to continue but I'm afraid of losing my attraction on her.

The distance makes this situation very hard cause due to the lack of physical intimacy we have not had the chance to get used to each other physically and sexually. That means this whole process is being dragged out over longer than maybe it should be and it is becoming stressful for me. Even though I try to accept that I've told her what I am. She has gay friends and she has one that tried girls before settling on guys and I told her that I'd never be like him. I'm just not 100% sure of that anymore.

I don't want to hurt my girlfriend, she is very prepared for this I think and she has told me what ever will be will be, and that she has enjoyed all of our time together so far. I don't want to end it cause I love her but if I'm not as sexually attracted to her as I should be is there any point in continuing the relationship?

I'm asking if anyone else can relate to what I'm saying...I need some support and guidance.

Thank you

 

Hi again!

I was hoping for some kind of response by now but how and ever.

I don't think I'm gay after all but I constantly have the fear of letting my girlfriend down. I spoke to her again and saw her and it reminds me of how much I like her and want her. I'm beginning to think this is a psychological barrier in my head. I'm in love with her - she's brilliant in everyway and theres no one else I want to be with but I have huge guilt for being bisexual and craving mens bodies sometimes.

As I said before I've told her about my past and she's been very good about it, as much as I know it makes her a little uncomfortable. She has moments of fear and uncomfortableness with my bisexuality - it doesn't disgust here from what she's told me but it unnerves her. It unnerves me too. I just want her to be my everything, I don't want to look at other women even. Its so weird. My mind is in one place and my desires are in another. I feel so guilty and fearful when I want sex with a guy. I've told her there are times when I want a guy and I'm just kind of not that interested in women. I've read its called sexual fluidity or sexual fluctuation. Apparently its more common in women. I'm yet to fully understand my own fluidity or fluctuation but it is causing me stress in my relationship.

If anyone can give some help I'd be delighted to hear from you please!

 

Hi, Am i being unreasonable here in asking for a reply? Am I being too impatient? Is there a reason I'm not getting any replies? I really would like some help!

 

Adi thanks for the reply. I know and you know that all these posts are far more complicated than they appear. I love my girlfriend, I am not going to try to hide anything from her and as soon as I know what's going on the sooner she will know. I know that I have to look after my own interests at the same time. That's not something I'm very good at, I'm no Saint but I'm kind of not being selfish here. If I was not in a committed relationship I would try to see what gay life would do for me but I'm not going to walk away from love. I will do my best to understand my self, my desires and needs, inform my girlfriend and hope that things will become clearer, more manageable and ultimately not stress ful. I love her. I do think she is sexy and I am attracted to her. It's just not raw sex appeal all the time. I think I'd feel the same about a guy in the same situation. But I can't know.

I have a slight foot fetish (female only) and I told her about it. She's a little uncomfortable about it but volunteered a photo of her foot in a site which I thought was very sexy. This girl is amazing to me. I'm not going to throw it away until I can know for sure. I will do every thing I can to keep her informed.

 

Maybe your right about the selfishness....God it makes me so sad that I have to end this relationship. I want to cry. I love that girl so much but I can't let this go any further before I get my shit together.

HOW CAN I BE GAY AND IN LOVE WITH A GIRL!!?? THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!

I know she loves me, I know she'll understand cause she's incredible. She'll understand as best as anyone can. I can't have her going around telling people about the boyfriend she loves when he might be lying to himself and hurting her in the mean time. Thats just not right.

It kills me to have to do this. I can't let her get hurt anymore than will happen when I tell her it has to end. I need to go out and find out/confirm that I'm gay, bisexual or whatever. I won't cheat on her. I couldn't live with myself knowing I had done that.

Like this is crap. She's smart, funny, sexy, cute, fun, brave and shy and I love everything about her except I'm the problem. I'm the reason that I can't have what I want. Who can I blame? No one. Thats crap. I can't make an analogy to compare to it but it's like finding happiness and discovering that it's not for you. I know people will say that I'll find something similar blah blah. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. A bird in hand is worth two in the bush.

She's coming to see me in about 3 weeks. I can't wait that long. I need to tell her this week. But first I need to talk to someone about this first. I need to know for sure I'm doing the right thing. I "know" I am but I need more of a push. I'll have to tell her on video chat. Wow, how shit is that. I don't care whether I'm gay or not anymore, this is the hardest thing I will have to do.

I love this girl. I love when she smiles, I hate when she's sad, I feel her pain (or so it feels - in my own way). If this is not being in love then my head will fall off if that ever happens.

Life sucks.

 

Thanks for posting biguy. Can I ask how you still identify as bisexual? What was it that made you think you couldn't be married to her if after your years of experience?

I know this can't last unless we have an open relationship. I don't want this to end but I know it must. It is SO difficult though

 

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both,
And be one traveller, long I stood,
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent beneath the undergrowth.

Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear.
And as for that the passing there,
Had worn them really about the same.

Both that morning equally lay,
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
But knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh,
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less travelled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 

Can't edit a post?? Weird.

That poem is by Robert Frost btw, silly of me not to give credit.