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Never-ending questioning

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Hadron, Aug 17, 2013.

  1. Hadron

    Regular Member

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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
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    Not out at all
    I wrote a wall of text and my computer crashed.

    I'll try to sum it up.

    I started questioning around ~1.5 years ago.
    When I was 14-15, I was curious about sex with men, but thought it was only a fantasy and didn't think much of it. I thought I was bicurious and didn't care much.
    I've only had crushes on girls. Two crushes (after puberty). They were very strong, but I think that they might have been just emotional, not physical.

    When I was 16, I started going to the gym. I felt attracted to other men working out there.
    I also began watching gay porn. At first I was confused. I liked it, and I was ashamed. Then, the shame went away.
    Straight porn after that felt... Fake? Seeing a girl also turned me off.
    I have never liked lesbian porn, I thought it was boring.

    This, combined with the fact that I have never been very much into girls as everyone else around me, made me question my orientation.

    Since I started questioning, I began checking out guys.

    When I'm hanging out with friends, checking out girls seems... forced. I have to consciously focus myself or I'll start thinking about something else in less than a minute.
    I automatically check out guys, though.

    At school, there is a boy I "like". It's purely physical, and I wouldn't even call it a crush.
    I don't continuously think about him, but it does affect my behavior when I'm near him.

    I also daydream on how it would be like having a boyfriend.

    From this point of view, it seems easy. "You're gay!".
    Looks like it's not that easy.

    At first I thought I was bisexual, but then I realized I was not attracted to girls.

    Now I'm alternating between "I'm gay! Of course!" moments and questioning again.
    It's frustrating.

    I told a friend of mine. He told me it's a phase, and that he'd been through a "gay phase" too.
    He told me that I only had to find the right girl, and then I'd become attracted to them.

    I honestly don't know, it feels like lying to myself.
    I don't even care if I'm gay, straight, bi, asexual, whatever. I only hate feeling so confused.
    The fact that I've never had crushes on the same sex does not help.

    I hope all this makes sense. To me, it does not.
     
  2. Adi

    Adi
    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Well, your friend is clueless, so don't mind him.

    Regarding your questioning. There is no test you can take that will tell you whether you're gay or not. Ultimately, just go with whomever you are attracted to and click with, and click with and shares your feelings. If it's a girl, fine. If it's a guy, fine again. You yourself said you find men attractive, and don't really find girls so. So just go with what you like, and stop worrying. Saying that you're gay isn't signing a sort of contract stating that if you ever meet a girl along the way that tickles your fancy, you won't be able to hook up with her or something (not that this will happen necessarily, don't spend your life chasing phantasms). It's simply a reflection of your current situation, which is that you like guys and not girls.