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Do people alway know?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by babybop1224, Aug 17, 2013.

  1. babybop1224

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    So I've been wondering do people always know when:grin: they are attracted to the same sex?
    how young do most people know?
    Are people always attracted to the same sex in childhood?
    When does one know it's not just a phase?
    :smilewave
     
  2. Adi

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    I didn't know what attraction really was 'till my mid-teens, but in retrospect, there were several instances of me being attracted to people of the same sex well before that. I think this is really the main issue: people often don't know what attraction is, and assume that they're attracted (only) to the opposite sex, because that's what society tells them.

    The earliest I can remember being attracted to the same sex is when I was about 6. Many people I know who have such attractions (gay guys only, as I have no lesbian friends unfortunately), felt such them from an early age, but this is just anecdotal experience. You'd need to try and find a scientific study on this issue to be sure.

    If you're asking if people in general (even straights) are attracted to the same sex in childhood, I think that's something Freud would say, but it's totally unsupported by empirical evidence (as is pretty much his entire work).

    I'd say that if it's persistent over time, then attraction to the same sex is definately not a phase.
     
  3. Tetraquark

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    Not everyone "always knows" who they're attracted to. Aside from a couple odd thoughts here and there, I didn't seriously consider that I was anything other than straight/cis until I was 19. I wasn't attracted to anyone for most of my teenage years, let alone my childhood. This is somewhat atypical from my understanding, as I believe the one or two studies done on the matter have found that the average age of first sexual attraction is 11 to 13 years old (I don't remember exactly when).

    As for when you can know that it's not a phase, there isn't a simple answer to that because it varies from person to person. However, I think it's more important to learn to listen to your feelings in the here and now rather than worrying about how they may change in the future. In other words, it doesn't matter whether it's a phase or not. If you want to date/have sex with/whatever with women, then do it (though I would recommend being open about questioning your sexuality). It's okay if things change, and it's okay if they don't.
     
  4. Pat

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    There's a phase for curiosity usually, but that wouldn't involve the emotional aspect of things. That would normally be a physical thing like.. "I see johnny naked a lot, I wonder how big his thing is erect" And not "I see Matt naked a lot, I just want to cuddle with him and stare into those big blue eyes" lol. Those are emotional thoughts to have and to me, that's the first sign of something being a little more than a phase. It's hard to say if there's a time for everyone when they know because I know for me, I had so much success with guys (never got turned down growing up) that I figured all guys hook up with each other in some form or fashion (I still believe that shit too lol..) so for me it took a while to understand that my feelings weren't the same as the guys I was messing around with. I was actually invested in every aspect of being with them. I didn't consider myself gay until I was about 18.. So I wasn't very in tune with my emotions or what they meant. Now, if I were in tune, then I would have known for sure around 9 years old. That's about when kids start to differentiate and identify attractions. I think the easiest way to know it's not a phase is to pay attention to how the person is making you feel.
     
  5. smokey-knows-all

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    I've gotten those 4th grader crushes on guys and i was sexually attracted to one once but i guess that went away or something. Maybe it was just the first surge of crazy hormones when I was 11 lol. I could just never really imagine myself doing sex things with guys like for example I figured out something was wrong when I was trying to sext my boyfriend and I kept having to think "wait, he doesnt have that, uhh what do I say....." and it eventually just got depressing and I started crying. I kind of ignored it and then one day I kissed a guy and realized it wasn't right. This happened in ninth grade. I've also never imagined myself having a husband and in my future things I always see myself as a single mom, so maybe that's been why.
    To figure the orientation thing out, are you just curious what sex would be with girls or do you want to cuddle and snuggle and giggle with them? Like being at a female friends house watching tv and just wanting to lay against her.
    Not sure how much sense this makes cuz my mind is being scattered and stuff and I cant focus but good luck!
     
  6. Laura27

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    I've had my fair share of questioning :slight_smile:

    When I was 12 and younger I assumed I was straight because I had mayor boy crushes on cartoon-men (weird, I know). Real boys were not on my mind at all. I had a weird thing though: I would always tell my parents that I would NEVER marry a man and would never have a longterm committed relationship with one because I couldn't see myself dating any type of man.

    When I was 13 I started questioning why I didn't like any boy and I figured I probably was a late bloomer. I was really fond of my female best friend. I noticed I started looking at women in a different way but I ignored it.

    At age 15 I was tired of waiting until I fell in love with a boy and I got into a relationship with one in order to be normal. I was into yaoi so I still thought I was super straight. But come to think of it, I only watched it because they were homosexuals and skipped the sexy parts.

    At age 16 I was pretty sure I wasn't normal because my boyfriend grossed me out while cuddling and kissing me. I had confusing fantasies about him being a girl and me a guy. I also had a reoccurring dream in which he had changed into a girl and asked me if I wanted to stay with her and I really didn't mind :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    When I was 17 I knew what was different about me but I couldn't believe it. I also was struggling with my identity (gay or bi?). Sometimes I felt really gay but at other times I wasn't really sure. I kind of like men with long hair. I consider men attractive as long as they have long hair, but when I imagine them cutting of their hair, the attraction is completely gone. That is so weird because I like girls with all hair lengths (from very short to super long)

    Now I'm 18, out-ish and dating a girl.
     
  7. BubbleGum

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    no, not always; sometimes. there are a lot more who are oblivious to the fact that they are not straight.

    depends a lot on your personality (and maturity) and it differs a lot; people who claim to have known that they were gay "all their life" come out at 11-13 but i honestly doubt that they know the consequences of their actions and the idea of pre-puberty-outings seem weird to me and I honestly believe most people REALLY come to terms with their sexuality when they're around 20 or something. but, then again, i don't think you can ever be 100% sure of your sexuality so "knowing" is pretty difficult :wink:

    not always. some are. in retrospect i could say i'm a lesbian because i've only ever been attracted to women when i was younger (kindergarden etc.) but that's changed and your childhood really doesn't determine your sexual orientation. don't think too much about your own childhood when trying to figure out your orientation, trust me :slight_smile:

    idk... sorry :/ probably when you don't think about your sexual orientation anymore, at least not on a daily basis. when it's just become a part of you you don't doubt anymore and feel comfortable with. but that's quite vage, isn't it :lol:
     
  8. Steele

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    I began feeling attracted to men when I was 11, but I didn't realize that what I was feeling was sexual attraction until I was 14.

    My entire life growing up, I was told that there would come a time when I would find myself attracted to women. I was also told that girls would start feeling attracted to men. I never once heard anything about same-sex attraction. So, because of this, I grew up waiting for and anticipating that day when I would find myself attracted to women.

    Instead, I started feeling attracted to men, and I immediately assumed that what I was feeling was just curiosity, and the thought that what I was feeling was sexual attraction or that it might have anything to do with my sexuality never even crossed my mind. And this was right around the age I was starting to get sex ed in school, and my parents, teachers, etc. were all saying things like "it's normal to feel curious, the curiosity will go away eventually," so this just reinforced my assumption that what I was feeling was curiosity that would go away eventually.

    I realized that it wasn't just a phase or curiosity that would go away eventually when I realized that what I was feeling was not curiosity, but sexual attraction.
     
    #8 Steele, Aug 18, 2013
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2013
  9. Rachael222

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    I can't really speak for anyone except myself, but I certainly never had any inkling as a child that I was anything other than straight - by child I mean say 12 and under. Some people do, but then again, I wouldn't exactly find it surprising if you didn't considering most people are raised in a hetero-normative environment and so the thought that anything other than opposite-sex crushes never crossed my mind when I was young.

    The first time it actually crossed my mind that I might ACTUALLY be gay or at least bisexual was when I was 16 and I was more or less in love with my best friend at the time. It was the first time I could realistically see myself in an actual real life relationship, and not some fantasy one in my head as I sometimes previously imagined with boys in my school.

    That's not to say there were no signs before then, there were more than enough, but I swept them under the carpet sort of without even realising. Just as an example, I used to look at women in the underwear section of my mother's catalogues (from around 13), I broke up with my first boyfriend because I knew I was going to have to kiss him soon (at 15), and a bunch of other stuff like that. Not that there's anything wrong with these things, they just aren't something you'd expect from a straight girl, are they?

    As for the "it's a phase" thing - that one had me hung up for a looong time. It still does sometimes, even though I'm in the process of coming out. But, as I tell myself in my phases of doubt, if you've been attracted to multiple real-life women over a long time period, then it's denial messing with you. It's fine if you find yourself attracted to a man in the future, there are no rules. But you have to go on what you feel in the present and what you have in the past as these are generally reasonably reliable indicators of how you will feel in the future.
     
  10. TheUglyBarnacle

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    I can relate with a lot of that stuff. :slight_smile:
     
  11. Kenny207

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    I'm speaking from personal experience... I guess I didn't know what I was feeling but I knew I was different...I've always known. Though, I didn't understood what it had meant until I was 13. When I hit 13, it also hit me like a train. I remember I was just showering , and then I realized

    "oh shit, I'm gay."

    Some people take longer to understand what those feelings are, and some take even longer to accept those feelings, so it's different for everyone.
     
  12. ItalianBlueEyes

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    My earliest inclination towards girls was as young as kindergarten.
    I guess you could say I was in deep denial for a very long time. I have very distinct memories of, in sixth grade, looking around the room and thinking "X and Y girls are so pretty-I want to make friends with them!"
    At the same time, I remember looking around the room and thinking "Which boy should I say I have a crush on?"
    Society tries so hard to make us straight... even for people who were born gay, you don't nesissarily recognize the feelings until much later, even when they've always been there.

    It took me several "boyfriends" to figure out why I could never really emotionally connect to them. I think I realized, mid eighth grade,
    "Other girls don't *censored* to Victoria's secret catalouges? Hang on--does this mean I'm a lesbian?"
     
  13. ahundredpennies

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    Reading all these previous posts make me feel like a really late bloomer lol. I never thought about boys or girls sexually until I was 17/18. There were a few people who I saw and was like oh they're cute/good looking, but that's as far as that went. I never fantasized about kissing or having sex with anyone. It's just not really part of my nature I guess.

    But I think once you meet someone who you connect with the emotions and hormones kick in. I also think you have to judge your sexuality based on people you actually know in real life. It's easy to look at either a man or women online or on TV and think they're hot because yeah, those are the cream of the crop people! They wouldn't have a job if they're not good looking! LOL.
     
  14. greatwhale

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    "knowing" is a deep philosophical question....

    My take on it is that there has to be some belief system in place before knowing takes place...and if you do not have that prior belief you will not know. So it can be plain as day that you are gay, and yet, without admitting to the possibility, it will be very difficult to know this about yourself.
     
  15. babybop1224

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    Oh wow you just said everything I've been tinking over. I feel like I've had a revelation. When i was younger I didn't actually like any boys and felt woerd so I constantly made up crushes. I also remember when I was in kindergarten I thought this one girl brook was so beautiful and i would just stare at the back of her all day. then there was another girl named sarah who I really thought was pretty. turns out me and sarah ended up going to high school together after I moved back to Texas and our parents were good friends. We didn't realize this until almost two years into HS. Anyway I'm happy to say I don't have a crush on her because she's totally straight. LOL! But once i got older and hit puberty I thought all of the stuff I was feeling and thinking was just normal or a phase. But I never found myself looking at guys like that which was odd. But I figured I was just picky.
     
  16. Idris

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    I did the exact same thing. I used to make up crushes by picking random guys because my boy crazy friends kept asking me if I liked any guys. Truth be told, I barely had any interest and couldn't understand why my friends were into guys or what they saw in them. I knew something was up when the crushes never stuck, and it almost always backfired because my female friends were blabbermouths and told these guys, only to have me tell them I wasn't really into them in that way. I have guy friends mostly, and never really saw them past friendship(i'm always comfortable and not overly shy around them) and whenever any pushed themselves to be more, I reacted really badly when I was younger and avoided. Although now, I push myself to make it clear I'm not into them in that way. Girls, I'm overly shy, really nervous and prior to my ex, very likely had crushes on female teachers(it's all been coming back to me after years of blocking out a lot) and three girls that I had gotten close to(What made me open up questioning was after I caught myself staring directly at a girl in class for thirty five minutes straight without any thought, just zoning out.) I only this past year accepted that I still at nearly 25 am not boy crazy, never will be and that I needed to accept that I do have attractions to women (I've concluded if I had to have a label, I'd lean more closer to lesbian or bisexual with female preference as I'm comfortable with both labels). I still don't see guys much past friendship, and lately I've just been allowing myself to be me, and if I crush on any female, I'm trying to let it happen instead of telling myself I'm weird or wrong, because it's not. I just likely don't really see guys in that way much, and it's not having to do with my past(I've never been hurt by any of my guy friends, or it has nothing to do with the fact I lost my dad at sixteen). It's just how I've been since childhood, and it's not a phase for sure. Most recently I'm just aware that I'm not straight and that I just simply need to be me.
     
    #16 Idris, Aug 22, 2013
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  17. ahundredpennies

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