Hi! I'm female, 30 and have gender identification issues since childhood. People still occasionally mistake me for a boy (I feel flattered when this happens) when my hair is cut short , but I mostly look feminine and fragile even when I strive to look manly (which frustrates me, because this is not how I feel inside). As for sexual orientation, I have always considered myself straight until very recently. When puberty hit, in fantasies I've usually imagined myself as a guy with women which later turned into imagining myself as a guy with another guy. That's how much I liked men, so much I wanted to be one:lol: I never had any serious intention to try it with another woman in reality. My experiece with men comes down to: a marriage which only lasted a couple of years (I was in love and enjoyed intimacy, but it was never perfect), then a one night stand with a guy I was supposedly attracted to until a pathetic and repulsive attempt at sex, and some years of on and off (mostly off) sexually and intellectually thrilling but emotionally devastating relationship with a man I was hopelessly in love with. So, three people in 13 years, all of them men. Most of my mannerisms, habits, clothing, hobbies are not what a man expects in a woman (not scandalously so, but still, I am not every man's dream, hate skirts, hate make-up, act butch on occasion etc) and I had to adapt. At times I felt really unhappy trying to look attractive (means girly), like I was trying to be something I'm not. Anyway, my attention was always on guys, but those were two guys I fell for. Have I been a straight guy I would probably have fallen for them anyway because they were just that gorgeous and that smart... I sometimes wondered what it would be like to kiss and touch a girl, can say I enjoy lesbian porn, but that was all. My heroes have always been men. I have not even had female celebrity crushes but Sharon Stone. But recently, after I decided to break off a traumatic relationship, and after I tried unsuccessfully to find a boyfriend, I suddenly started, well, wanting girls. I look at women and wonder what it woud be like to be with them. I can picture myself having sex with a woman, sharing my life with a woman and these thoughts are arousing, comforting and hopeful. And it would be easy to say I'm bi or bi-curious and leave it at that. But the thing is, I'm not looking for a label. I don't want anything casual with anyone, I'm tired of being lonely and i'm looking for a life partner. This is where my fears interfere... I know I feel disappointed in men, not because there aren't wonderful people out there who are male, I just know that there are parts of my soul which in a straight relationship are destined to be misunderstood, ridiculed and in the long run just spoil the relationship. Not that the relationship with a person of my own gender is safe from that... But it is suspicious that one day I was disappointed, despaired to find the man I could love, had this idea and then it just happened - I woke up the next day and realized that I should possibly give women a try because apparently they turn me on! But what if I'm not genuinely interested in women? What if I only want to try this change of orientation thing because I have logically deduced that this could be the solution to my problems with men? If so, I would be leading someone on. On the other hand, the last three guys I have been on a date with - I feel repulsed at the thought of kissing one of them, simply unattracted to another and the third one could be a good friend. All three of them are good looking, two of them are nice smart people... I just don't feel like there is a possibility of developing anything romantic or sexual with them when I think about them. I don't know what to do anymore, my impulse is to try dating girls but my confusion doesn't let me make a step in that direction. I mean, what if it's just a phase... I'm 30, for heaven's sake! I should not be this indecisive, I should go out and try things, but there is this fear that I'm not what I want to think I am, you know? With men, lately I feel like I'm about to cheat on myself. But what if they are just wrong men for me (if so, I haven't met another right one for about a decade, but it's not like I've met a right girl in that period either - or maybe I was too busy at the moment). What if I'm that bisexual chick everyone hates because she cannot decide who she wants... What if lesbian sex would not work for me... Should I even try dating a woman or is it obviously a bad idea?
