Hi all, I've been reading for hours this evening and I'm still not finding any satisfaction in others' experiences. I'm a terribly confused gal today. First, some background, I split from a long term hetero relationship a year ago after coming to the conclusion that I could not longer ignore my growing desire to be with a woman. I have had limited sexual experience with women previous to entering this last relationship. I spent years beating myself up over the feeling that there was something wrong with me... "he was such a great guy, why couldn't I just be happy" sort of thing. Sex life was damn near nonexistent for the last few years before the breakup, and I had even gone so far as to have bloodwork done to confirm that my hormone levels were all ok, trying to justify my absent libido. I spent some time talking to the awesome ladies of the AskJoanne community, as well as working with several counselors, one-on-one. I know that I am attracted to women, and want to be with women. There are some great LGBT social events to attend in Toronto, and I have been getting out and making friends. I have met (and danced with) women I have been attracted to, but haven't found anyone to truly lust after or date. Then I meet my (platonic) roommate's brother. I met him for the first time last year before Christmas, and I definitely felt a spark there. I was thrown at the time, but found out that he was in a relationship with a stunningly beautiful woman shortly thereafter, at which point, the point was pretty well moot anyway. I spent some time around both him & his gf after that, and they struck me as a great couple, and I tried to put the stirring in me to rest. What's the point in fostering something that can't go anyplace and confuses the heck out of me? Fast forward to now, I spent some time with my roommate's family last night for her brother's birthday, after not having seen them in months. I couldn't look at him without being paranoid that They're All Going To Know, just eye contact with him was enough to make me quiver a little on the inside, and I kept getting flashes of imagination of touching him, kissing him, crawling across the couch into his lap... and I mean VIVID. My own stuff aside, he's apparently a serial monogamist with commitment and abandonment issues, and he still has a gf. I'd be concerned about harming the functioning of my relationship with my roommate, as well. Probably nothing I want to risk getting into for a myriad of reasons.... So why can't I get this guy out of my head? After I left his place yesterday, I had some serious flutters and electric-like jumping in feel-good places. I don't want this! I know that sexual fluidity rarely leaves this stuff cut-and-dry. I've come out to lots of people... including my ex, who didn't take any of our split well. I know I can't control who I fall for, this is totally beyond me, but I've been SO certain of the direction where my future lies in the last while. I'm shaken by the intensity of what I find myself wanting around this guy. I'm confused as to where this leaves me. Any others have experience to share in a situation where you've been surprised by an unexpected/unlikely attraction? Please?
