Hi, So I am currently in a pretty bad place and am struggling to come to terms with everything. I am currently 22 and at university. Ever since I was about 18 I would say I began to see guys in a sexual way and began to watch gay porn and just seemed to get more excited by guys. However, I can still say that I have felt an attraction to girls as well. I never wanted any of these feelings and over the past 4 years have been trying to deny it to myself and convince myself that I am straight. I still feel as if I do like girls. I am still a virgin and am convinced that this has something to do with it. I know that there is a girl interested in me at the moment and am thinking that I should just do something to see. I don't want to get too many people involved though. I really hate myself for feeling like this. I do not want to be gay. There have also been some recent events which have also confused me and made me feel even worse. I recently met a bunch of new people and my living situation changed for school so I am now surrounded by many people of the same age etc. One of the guys, who I was told by others was gay, messaged me one day in the early hours of the morning asking to chat. I thought it was a bit weird because I got it the next morning. Nothing really happened and things went back to normal, however , we would often make eye contact and I feel that it was more than just normal. A couple of weeks later we were walking home from a party together and I definitely thought there was chemistry. He didn't really say anything. That night he asked to come over to chat. We just ended up laying in bed chatting and then he suddenly held my hand. We layed like that for a while and just fell a sleep. The next morning he left and I asked him to not tell anyone. It has now been awkward ever since. I have never done anything like that with a guy or felt chemistry before and we know all of the same people so it is really awkward. I don't know if I am gay, and I could never come out as I know my family would never accept it, especially my dad. I hate myself at the moment. Please help - sorry for the long post.
First, please don't hate yourself. There is no need for that. You might not be gay, you just might be curious and exploring your feelings. If you are gay....and only you can say that for real, that is ok. It is also possible that you are bisexual....have you considered that? If that is the case, that is ok too. If you were either gay or bisexual, would you need to come out to your parents?
