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Confused at 29

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by chaitea, Aug 21, 2013.

  1. chaitea

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    Throughout my dating history, I've really only dated men. When I was younger I worried a lot about whether or not I was gay because my parents were very unaccepting so I never gave myself the head space to really consider it as a possibility, only as a fear. (Ellen came out and the TV was turned off during her show, my friend came out in middle school and she was no longer invited to come over to the house....) Regardless of the fact that I didn't consider it, I did have occasional sexual dreams about women in college... but I never gave them much credibility because those feelings never translated in real life.

    I also became an extremely open-minded, accepting person in college and I think this gave me the ability to not shut down these dreams down quite so quickly. I've had many more of them in the past few years and I started really thinking that I might be, at the very least, bi-sexual. I do find myself looking at women a lot, but I can never figure out if I am looking at them out of desire or just curiosity. I look at men with often the same confusion.

    I dated a guy for 7 years and was sexually disinterested after the first year or so. I've been dating another guy for about a year and have reached the point where I am disinterested again. I really wonder if it's because there is something else going on.

    I have openly admitted to myself and a few close friends that I am bisexual, but I've never been able to explore these feelings. I'm 29 and I don't really know how to go about exploring this. Am I gay? Do I just get bored easily with guys? Is my infatuation with Ellen just in my head??? :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: Are my dreams nothing since I've not had romantic feelings for a girl or have I not had romantic feelings for a girl because I really never gave myself the room to feel those things?

    Extra information, just for kicks... I mainly make friends with guys. I have trouble talking to women. They make me nervous and I have trouble knowing what to talk about. I dress girly but my personality isn't overly feminine. Sometimes I wonder about this fact as well....

    Any thoughts or advice or people who have been through this (especially those that have felt this way in their later years) would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks! :slight_smile:
     
  2. Anthemic

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    In my opinion, I think you're either a Kinsey 4 (leaning more toward homosexuality) or gay. The fact that you were with a guy for 7 years, and lost sexual feelings for him after 1 year is definitely questionable. The reason I think that is because if you were sexually attracted to men, then you would have searched for a man that you found sexually attractive and dumped the guy you were with for 7 years. You stayed with this guy for so long, probably because you were confused. And I'm only saying this as an opinion. I could be wrong.

    You asked if your infatuation with Ellen is in your head. No, it isn't. You don't find yourself being infatuated with someone and being confused about it. Either you are, or you aren't.

    You also said you're nervous around girls. That's another indication. Why are you nervous around them? Probably because you care about what they think of you. Probably because you fear rejection from them. You're probably worried about making a good impression. When someone cares more about what one gender thinks about them, that usually indicates sexual attraction for that gender. Some would argue that you're just a nervous person. But wouldn't you be nervous around guys too? Yes. But the fact is, you're only nervous around girls. Correct?

    But truthfully, the only way you will truly know, is if you try it. Some people know right away, even if they haven't had experience with the same gender. But for people who are confused, they need to experiment to truly know.
     
  3. Dragonbait

    Dragonbait Guest

    Chaitea (LOVE your name, btw, as well as the real stuff!) I read your post, wondering if you'd somehow been in my head. All I can say is that I wish I had taken a step back at 29 and taken the time to question myself then. I've been married to a man, coming up on 21 years, and had no desire for sex with him even before we married - and I'd only known him 6 months at the time.

    So kudos to you!

    Unlike you, I did do a minor bit of experimenting in my youth. VERY minor. In my coming of age period (13 - 14) with a girl who lived far away that I saw occasionally when I visited family in her area, but somehow those experiences with her must have been so far removed from my "real life" at home in a strict Roman Catholic household in which I was the "last great hope" for the perfect child, that I never entertained thoughts of her or the things we'd done together once I'd returned to my real world.

    Then, in college, my boyfriend suggested I take our summer separation to experiment with women if I could find the opportunity. Funny I had forgotten that little detail until a month or so ago when a recently outed friend asked me if I was gay. I did always recall the fact that I did experiment that summer, but had forgotten that I was urged to do so by the man that held the most sexual insight regarding me. I do have to say that my experience that summer may have been what cemented me in a hetero life for the next 25 years. It was a hook-up, kind of, with someone I knew as a friend of a girl I actually had a huge crush on but who was in a relationship. So I tried it, with someone I had absolutely zero emotional attachment to, it was a one-off, and it was not only stressful and uncomfortable, but was quite painful as well. The bitch broke skin, in the most sensitive of places!!!

    As I said, almost helps me understand how I could convince myself, for the next 25 years, that I was just not wired with a sex drive. But that leaves me here and now, feeling exactly the way you do, and still wondering. Am I gay or was I right when I convinced myself that I'm asexual. Which I embraced wholeheartedly for decades - until that recent day when my friend asked if I was gay and my stomach started fluttering at the idea.

    I doubt my response is of any use to you, since I'm apparently without answers myself, but I couldn't help reaching out when I read your story. Maybe it can just help knowing you're not alone. I know reading what you had to say was a comfort to me. (*hug*)

    ---------- Post added 21st Aug 2013 at 10:50 PM ----------

    Thanks Anthemic, that was one of my biggest sticking points in trying to analyze my own orientation and your perspective just makes so much sense! I love logic!
     
  4. Anthemic

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    Thanks! I'm glad you appreciated that. :grin:
     
  5. chaitea

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    I have a feeling that you are completely right about this. My problem is actually doing that. How do you "try" without feeling like you are using someone? Meeting someone is just another level of complication altogether.

    Thanks for your kind words and wisdom

    ---------- Post added 27th Aug 2013 at 08:27 PM ----------

    Dragonbait, thank you so much for commenting. It was so nice to have someone say that they have felt what I felt at an age beyond college. Our stories are even more similar, to be honest. I was married as well. He and I were engaged 7 months into our relationship. 7 years into our relationship and 5 years into our marriage, I knew that I wasn't happy with our intimate relationship (for a long time really) nor other aspects of our marriage so I ended the relationship. That was a year ago.

    I really identify with what you must feel as well. It's been very tough for me because I don't understand why I'm so confused still and I don't want to settle for a life that is not as full and happy as it could be, but figuring it out isn't exactly the easy road!! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and struggle.
     
  6. Anthemic

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    Well, I wasn't sure until I tried it. I knew I had feelings for women at the age of 14, but I wasn't sure if I'd enjoy the company of a woman on a more intimate level. But once I tried it, I was 100% sure I liked women.

    Honestly, I rarely ever hear about someone who is attracted to women emotionally and not attracted sexually, unless they're asexual.

    My advice for you is to try to connect with a female you find appealing, if it be online or in person. The more you connect with that person, the more confident you'll become as to whether or not you are a lesbian. Let that person know that you're a bit confused. If they're not willing to understand, then they're not worth your time.
     
  7. Dragonbait

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    Not at all, is it? But you know the saying, nothing worth having comes easy, so I'm holding tight to the belief that my chance at real happiness is still out there, somewhere, but I've lived enough years to realize that it's not going to just knock on my door. I've got to go after it - and that's what I'm in the process of doing, one step at a time.

    I'll be sure to wave if I see you out on that road! :smilewave