Anxiety and Me - Sometimes I feel gay

Hello everyone,

I am writing here because this condition of mine has been bugging me for a good few months now and I would like some answers from people that have had every experience out there, so that I can identify with who I am and stick with it. I am 21 and this is really getting in the way of my work and the rest of my life, because as you know, finding out who you are is a big deal for anyone.

At this point I am at the position where I think I am straight. Here are the reasons why:

- I have been in love with a girl before, as well as had many crushes on girls.
- I have been watching, almost exclusively lesbian porn since I was 12, and have liked it a lot. ( or POV with the camera as the man sometimes).
- Get aroused by lesbian porn without any hand stimulation, whereas that's never happened to gay porn, and most of the time doesn't happen even with hand stimulation.
- Grew up in a boys only high school and have never fancied any boy then or now, emotionally or physically.

These are the reasons that are making me confused:

- I have watched gay porn with rare hand stimulated erections and orgasms.
- The orgasms happen more suddenly and faster than when I watch lesbian porn.
- I am able to fantasize about me with a man (me in a submissive role) and be able to orgasm, albeit with almost no erection, but quite fast.

The first time this came to light was when one night I was unable to obtain an erection when thinking of girls, but was able to when I thought of men. Since then that has happened rarely, but the fact that it did happen won't leave my head. Perhaps I should mention that a few days after I was due to go to the doctors to declare that I had major depression (and still do - based on completely separate events in my life), so I was quite stressed at the time.

After that I have not been able to stop "testing" whether I'm gay or not, but with no conclusion so far, as I am still quite turned on by women, especially if I don't masturbate for a few days, but can also orgasm to gay fantasies.

My theory on this is that because I have no desire to be gay, when my mind decides to think about gay fantasies I get very anxious, through which I can obtain very fast and strong orgasms almost as many times as I'm in the "right mindset" in a day. Again however, I need to stress that there is no genuine desire for this, and in fact the more I resist the faster I finish. I believe that this is because I have OCD and cannot let go of the fact that something like this has ever happened and can't put it to rest in my mind, hence the continued "testing". I also read an article by Dr. Fred Penzel (an experienced and licensed psychologist, whose article will come up as the first option if you type "ocd gay" in Google), which says that the physiological effects of anxiety and arousal are quite similar in their own right, and goes on to say that people like me do exactly what I'm doing now. Also, orgasms are the body's natural way of relieving stress and anxiety, which makes me think that due to the high levels I reach my body is simply reacting in that way to preserve itself. The purpose of this thread is to try and convince my brain that there's nothing to worry about and to let it go.

I have nothing against any type of people, gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender etc. and am happy for anyone who discovers what they like, as well as admire their bravery for coming out. However, I was raised to believe that it's "wrong", and so whilst I have reformed to not have any issue with anyone else, a part of me still doesn't want to be gay at all, which I think is what creates the anxiety in the first place. I have tried to act and think as a gay man would and accepting it, which then stops the orgasms from happening at all, which again leads me to believe that it's just due to anxiety.

My question to the members of the forum is whether anyone straight or gay has been through a similar stage in their life and how they got past it, and whether gay men can have the same sort of anxiety orgasm when thinking of women? I am sure I'm not alone in this and hopefully this thread could also save other people from the torturous period I've been through.

Thanks, Typo

 

First of all thank you for reading my long first post and for taking the time to try and help me. I'm going to share my thoughts on your advice:

qwr42,

I would be fine with being gay or bisexual and am not scared of it really. If that was who I was I don't think I'd run away from it, I'd most likely embrace it. The problem is that I really don't think I am, but this anxiety and OCD is working against my conscious and logical mind. I don't think being gay or bisexual would change me as a person, I'd still have these compulsions most likely, now that they've started, they'd just be about "Am I straight?" if you know what I mean, and it would be the same deal. My problem is that despite almost overwhelming evidence from my own "testing" and past experience, I still put myself through it all unfortunately, just because of a few past occasions that I forced myself into. Actually talking about it here has genuinely helped me in the past day or so, because I had not told anybody previously to that. I'm a lot less anxious now than I was before . I had thought that I might be bisexual and was fine with it, but that's the thing, I don't actually like men in anywhere near the same fashion as I like women. I still admire, respect and even love some men, but it's more of a brotherly sort of love if you know what I mean and has never been anything else. Otherwise I'd just like to settle the issue so I can stop all the worrying that's distracting me so much these days.

ElliaOtaku,

What I meant by trying to act gay is actively checking out men etc to see if I liked it in any way or not, as part of my "tests". It just increased my anxiety and I didn't really enjoy it as I thought I would (at the time thinking I was completely gay).

As for the fantasies, I also have fantasies of me with women, and a lot of them can give me an erection without hand stimulation, whereas that has never happened with gay fantasies. Also, the only reason I have gay fantasies isn't because I enjoy them, but because they're part of this chronic testing I keep doing, i.e. they're thought of on purpose, not when I want to be aroused. I don't get them accidentally when I'm looking around at people or when I don't notice what I'm thinking if that makes sense.

I have also tried to lay off the self-service for a few days (which is a long term habit that I need to get under control, but that's another story), and every time I do that I get urges for women and I always wonder "What was I thinking before??!!", but as soon as celibacy ends the doubts come back. I have never yearned to masturbate to guys like I would to girls, after all I went a good 9 years with only lesbian porn and fantasies about girls, so I don't think that that's something that'll happen. I think I'm looking for a way to stop the compulsions and anxiety. For example if I'm "testing" and not anxious, which can happen if I relax or think that "I should be turned on by this", then there is no gay fantasy that can do anything for me. But, when I let anxiety increase I can masturbate to almost anything, including gay fantasies. It's just that they make me anxious to such a degree that the orgasm happens quite quickly and suddenly. I've had this from a very early age, where I can orgasm to any anxious moment, fantasy or real. That's not to say I'm turned on by it though. On the other hand I can think of women when I'm not anxious and I'd still get turned on. The problem is that these anxiety orgasms are quite strong (I guess because the body has to release more chemicals to counter the anxiety), and they are different in feel than regular orgasms.

Adi,

I agree with everything you've said, except that it won;t help me to write in this thread. It has helped me to just write everything down and reread my own arguments along with everyone else's. I am honestly a lot calmer about it now that I've shared, which in turn has lowered my anxiety and I don't have any reaction to anything gay at the moment as a result. It seems I just need to control my anxiety and then my compulsions.

Thanks to everyone for reading and posting here, it has helped a great deal and I really do appreciate it.

Typo

 

Thanks for the paper KyleD, it was an interesting read and shed some light on it all. The thing is, I am fine with gay people, I have a very good friend who's a lesbian and I get on with her an her girlfriend really well, there's no stigma there. Also, one of my best friends in high school was bisexual and had a boyfriend and I had no problems at all socializing with either of them. In fact I ended up defending them one time when they were afraid that some bouncers in a club were going to beat them up for being gay together.

I think with me it's the fear that I might be gay that triggers the anxiety. I'm not consciously homophobic, as I have realized over the years that it's not wrong or bad, but I guess subconsciously I still wouldn't want it to be me, so it brings on anxiety. I think the OCD definitely doesn't help either, or the chronic masturbating... I went a day without it and the morning after that I couldn't stop thinking about girls, but then once I climaxed 3 or 4 times within the period of maybe 2 hours there's no urge left in me, and that's when I start doubting again whether I'm gay or not, because the contrast between arousal from straight and gay fantasies is blurred at that stage, and anxiety sets in because I'm not able to get aroused by girls as well. It's a vicious cycle that has to be broken with a bit of self-control on my part I guess.

Thanks for replying and reading all my posts, I know they're long, but I had to write down all the arguments my brain had, and I've been doing a lot of thinking . I do feel much better and less anxious about it now that I've read what people here had to say, so I hope none of you change, because you're good human beings!