Hello again. I've posted here a couple of times already. I first came here with needing to find support because of my feelings towards women and not having any support in my life about what was happening. I have been in recovery for drugs for the last two years, and a lot of stuff has been coming up, mostly trying to understand myself and take more responsibility for myself. About 2 years ago I was also diagnosed with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) and I am living with my mother and am not financially independent at the moment. I'm trying to build my life because I feel like I have never really grown up, to be honest. I've always been attracted to women and have hooked up with some, mostly during my using days. I've also always been in long-term relationships with men. Earlier this year, in January, I worked up the nerve to come out to my mother as a lesbian and it was very difficult as what she thinks about me is very important to me, and the fact that she had a close gay friend at the time made me feel more comfortable telling her. My mother really did not say anything about it, and I felt very uncomfortable about the subject and felt like I could not talk to her about it anymore. None of the people I told were supportive, or they just kept insisting I'm really bisexual. I was also on an online dating site, but I was not making much of an effort to meet women as I really just don't feel good about myself to approach other females in a romantic way. I can have sex but I really don't feel comfortable going any further. I did get a lot of flirts and in April I received an e-mail from a woman that I felt quite comfortable with. We e-mailed back and forth for a few weeks, but I began feeling uncomfortable with her because I felt embarrassed for my living situation and I didn't really open up to her about myself. She stopped writing to me, and I soon canceled the lesbian dating account. A few weeks after that, I joined a dating site for people with AS. I didn't hear much from many people but met a man from another country who I got along quite well with. I felt very comfortable with him, and we started writing each other every day. Everything is great but I just can't get the idea of being a lesbian out of my head. He would like to have something serious but I can't stop thinking that I'm doing this just so I can get out of here. I know that's not the right thing to do, and that I should get a job and start a life on my own, if that's really the case. I just don't know what my intentions are, and everyone gives me different advice. Some people tell me I'm bisexual, and that makes sense, as I feel more comfortable sharing my feelings with a man. But I also cannot forget the feelings I felt earlier this year about wanting to have a girlfriend and live a life of my own. I feel like I am expected to be with a man, and so I feel more comfortable sticking to what's expected of me rather than trying something new. It would be so much easier for me to just want to be with a man. I also really like him and have come to love him, he is also very good-looking, and very honest and loving with me. We understand eachother's struggles both living with AS, and I have never met a lesbian woman who understood what I am going through inside. Most women think that I am really weird and treat me badly quite soon, which is why I am only comfortable being sexual with them. I really believe that living with my mother is hindering my progress and I am planning to get a job and move out, as soon as I am back from going to visit him in a few weeks. I would really like if it works out with him as he has really become such an important part of my life, even if this doesn't work out I would like to be his friend for a very long time. I have told him I am bisexual and he didn't really say anything about it but I never mentioned my concerns to him about my possibly being a lesbian. I know I have loved men before and used to enjoy being sexual with men as well. I have never felt like I was in love with a woman, but I have developed intense crushes on women that made me very uncomfortable. Am I in denial? Does this even matter? Is there any way I could just stop caring and learn to go with the flow? Am I going to have to hurt the only person who has turned out to possibly be the best partner for me since my last serious relationship long ago?
