Okay, so as some of you know, I've been having doubt about my sexuality because of something someone said and plus, some other factors. All in all, It's one sole reason why I regret coming out. I hate it so much because i've been questioning for 2 years and its just driving me up the wall and I'm trying to control my anxiety and stop questioning and just relax but i can't. i've tried everything and right now, i'm just going crazy, it seems. I have tried going with the flow and I have but it's not working. I have tried distracting myself, talking it out and other things but nothing is working and after I was having doubts again, i tried to put the pieces together by taking note of where I am now but I'm not sure, If I should include the past as well. I'll be a little organized so this won't be so complicated. What I know about girls - I've had a crush on a girl when i was 8th grade and had crushes 10th grade and up - I notice girls over guys - I daydream about being in a relationship with a girl or being sexual with one - I want to kiss a girl and hold one - I want to be happy with a girl...so date, a girl - I remember being nervous around girls and still am - I got my heart broken by a girl what I know about guys -i've cried about 3 guys. -I find some guys attractive. Here is the whole complicated part of this, My memory...I can't remember how I felt around guys so if you ask me "Are you sexually attracted to guys?" ...Then i can't tell you. I don't like any guys at the moment and The one thing, i'm trying to figure out is if I genuinely did Like guys or were attracted to them because it will ease my mind a bit. The 3 guys I cried over were ...My ex boyfriend, some guy...I liked...and some other guy, i went on a date with. My ex boyfriend and I did some sexual things together when i was 12, we had oral sex and the only time...i can remember being, I guess turned on was ....when we went down on me. It did feel good, I'm not going to lie but I didn't like going down on him. Me and him went on a lot adventures and hung out but it wasn't even like we were dating, it more like we were friends but I claimed, I loved him and all this kind of stuff but I think, maybe ...that's just what i wanted to think, Like i loved the idea of being "in love" I forgot why, I cried but i think, he ignored me after my mother died so, I'm not sure...why I cried, I'm going to guess...he was ignoring me This other guy, I cried over was a guy ...i'm guessing, I liked but again, I can't remember how i felt around him but I do know, that umm, when we were 'dating' that um...he would hold me and I kind of felt something but I always pull away from, he would make me sit by him but I didn't like sitting next to him. it seems to be a pattern to some degree but when he broke with him, I busted out crying... but i got over it pretty quickly. This 3rd guy was some guy, I went on a date with for like, a day ...and i would flirt with him but when we were on the date, he would touch me and I didn't like it but when he said, he wasn't over his ex...I cried for like not long at all but i still cried, again I got over it. i don't remember at all, how i felt around these guys, i liked...but i remember some parts, like trying to impress one guy with my poetry. overall, to shorten this up, I haven't really 'liked' ...a guy in like 3 years but this isn't to say, i won't in the future. I did talk about guys to my friends and told my friends, these guys I liked which really makes me regret coming out because i said "i like girls" in my status and everyone took that as me being lesbian which is what I wanted them to take it as but then, this guy andrew said "didn't you like me? I thought you told me on facebook or something?" and I looked through, the messages and didn't find anything, that said that but I did find message of me in 2010 ..talking about a guy, i supposedly liked and saying, i don't know if he liked me back and other shit and that confused me a bit. I Think, maybe it would have made more sense if I just came out as bisexual because Maybe i did truly like guys but unless, I remember how i felt around them then I can't tell. As of right now, I'm finally getting over my ex who basically tore me apart from the inside out. I don't like anyone right now and I'm sure what the future holds. I just really regret coming out because everyone assumes, i'm lesbian now and probably half of them are confused because i would always talk about guys and what not....and I know, I can tell them that, I dont know what the future holds or maybe i will like guys or something but I dont want to have to do that because Its going to confuse them and they are going to think, I'm just confused. I don't want to think, I'm confused ....but I am and have been for 2 years. When I first questioned, I didn't know what sexual attraction meant, I didn't know what this feeling in my stomach was....for this girl, i was crushing on, i didn't know how to tell if i was sexually attracted to someone, I was so clueless about everything. I use to daydream about guys up until one day, I just got bored and switched it around ...and just started daydreaming about girls but I played around with it to test it and i would switch off between, daydreaming about guys or girls and eventually picked girls....and went from there, I daydreamed about a celebrity, then a real person and I daydreamed about being in a relationship with a girl and i loved it and THIS was actually before I started questioning or had a crush of this girl. Maybe, i am bisexual....and I know, i am that its....okay. and I know that labels don't matter but i find it hard to not use them because they are a part of life, whether we like it or not. I Don't whether to think, im lesbian or bisexual, I feel like my past would make me less lesbian but i don't feel bisexual either because i dont like any guys right now and I don't remember how i felt around guys so that makes it even harder. I can't tell if I should focus on right now or my whole life span to figure out my sexuality it seems, i just want reassurance...that im not wrong about being lesbian but maybe i am and am just in denial of it. sorry, if this was long...Im kind of asking for advice and venting at the same time
Have you tried not focusing on it at all? By which I mean, not giving yourself a label. You came out as gay, you seem to like girls, great. If you like a guy all of a sudden also great. You don't owe it to anyone to clarify that you might actually be bisexual. The only time someone might get pissed off with you for that is if one guy you know is secretly crushing on you but knows your lesbian then all of a sudden sees you with a man. Otherwise, people might be confused for a second in which case you just say "Well I like him!" and it's done! Try not to focus to hard on reassurance from a label. Because as you've seen, you went for it and came out as lesbian and now you're questioning it. I can't imagine you want to come out AGAIN as bisexual just to discover you are in-fact definitely a lesbian!
I stated in the beginning, i Haven't tried to focus on it at all. Here's my problem, I feel sure about my sexuality ...then i relapse and something will come up in my mind and i'll question everything all over again. When someone reassures me, about something whether its my sexuality or my feelings for girls, are real then I'll feel happy and relieved but then some days later, i'll relapse and question all over again if something random comes up in my head. The reason, I came out as lesbian and questioned it because of something someone said to me then i saw something and I questioned that and I dont know, and by the way, my friends are totally different. they wont be confused for just a sec. they will ask me tons of questions and what not. Right now, I talked to this girl who reassured me of my feelings and i feel happy and relieved again but I know, i'll relapse and question all over again over whatever, I thought of
It sounds like you might have some anxiety issues, is there any way you could talk to a counselor? Not sure if that's what you meant by "talking it out". Again, try not to focus so much on any particular label you've given yourself. But I understand that anxiety isn't something rational. One thing you could try is to write down the reassurances your friends give you, or even better, ask them to write it down for you. Then when you start worrying again you can focus on that sentence (that you know is real because it's written down). I see that you haven't been able to distract yourself from your worries. What have you tried? For me, the best way is playing video games, but your mileage may vary.
I do but i've been to counselors, dont do anything but take your money and i'll try that I've written poetry which is my main outlet but its not doing anything, i've watched movies/documentaries, watched funny videos, played with my dogs, went outside still nothing
I dream about weird ass shit. but i haven't had a sexual dream about a girl, only kissing or romantic most of my sexual dreams that I can remember are about guys
Oh, believe me, what you're going through is totally normal for some people who are trying on labels. Once they get comfortable with one label they quickly have doubts and change their mind. I've been there many times before and it wasn't until I turned 25, that I knew for sure that I am a lesbian. However, I have been with men in the past; I have kids, but it doesn't mean I am bisexual. I was pretending to be someone I wasn't for years until finally I became comfortable with who I am. And so with you, it is going to take some time and that's okay because you are still young. You should not let your past dictate your future or your orientation because in that case, I am bisexual. However, I do not feel bisexual and that should be enough. You've said the same thing and that should be enough. And I don't think you owe anyone anything, so do not feel obligated to come out again. Unless you figure out that you in fact like men and would like to be with a man in the future. I could never see myself with another man ever again, but who knows what the future holds. For now, I'm comfortable with just telling people that like/prefer women. And to me, you sound like you are a lesbian and if you ever want to talk, I'm here for you
Of course! And I think its pretty common for some people. I will admit that I've always been jealous of those people who never questioned themselves.
I totally know that feeling. I do get jealous also, but my life has always been complicated, better make questioning complicated as well
lol. Girls seems to have a more difficult time determining their sexuality than guys. With guys the process is simple but girls are different. I guess you should just give it time.
